We need to be better!

I recently stumbled across an article or advertisement for the documentary leaving Neverland. I know there's a lot of controversy over whether people are trying to get money and fame or whether these boys were actually harmed by Michael Jackson because it's heartbreaking.

Here are my thoughts. Lying about sexual abuse is very rare especially having to tell it in such detail. What we need to acknowledge is that a lot of things have changed. The me-too movement has opened a lot of doors for people to speak out, mostly for women but also for men. The thing that we often forget is that boys and men can be victimized as well.

 I personally do not know if I will be able to watch the documentary because of the anger it will create in me. I'd like to believe that Michael Jackson never harmed a child, but I know how much bad there is in the world.

If you think about it speaking up about sexual abuse as a child is very hard. When these allegations came out in the 90's were these other boys still being groomed and abused? If they were to testify in court was their abuser there?

From my own personal story, my sister and I we're asked if the allegations towards my my dad were true while my dad was sitting there in the room. My Dad tried to twist what had happened, by saying that I had walked in on him in the shower and asked questions. I became confused by his denial of what had actually happened so I stammered and agreed. Everyone went to bed that night and the next morning after my dad had gone to work our mom asked us again. I told her my dad was lying. It was the beginning of freedom for us.

Child molesters/pedophiles put a lot of time and effort into grooming their victims. They're able to create a sense of safety and love for their victim and then they use that to get what they want. In the interviews that I watched one of the men states that he loved Michael. I can't imagine what it would be like to have allegations come out against someone you care about as one of these boys. I mean if you were their main object of affection and you found out that they had other objects of affection you would feel betrayed. It would cause confusion about love and many other emotions. Perhaps things like why was I not good enough? Maybe denial that you were a victim.

I was never sure growing up what was going on. Is this what was happening in other people's homes? Was this supposed to be how you were to love someone? Why does it make me sad or mad? How can I still care about his well being? My dad listens to my stories about my school day he must care, right?

It's hard to know what went on unless we allow people to speak up about their experiences. Yes, it may be hard to believe, yes, it may be hard to hear but imagine how hard it is for them to say it. One thing that we need to remember is that allowing people to speak about it frees them from it. The time that they spent silent has kept their fears and thoughts captive. We need to listen.

What I find most frustrating is that media has to play a big part in justification when it comes to celebrities. Celebrities are more likely to pay a settlement. I imagine that there are some people out there who are trying to scam some money out of a celebrity but would you not rather have your name cleared then be the person who shoved money at somebody to keep them quiet? It took a lot of years for the Cosby  nonsense to be clarified but he was brought to justice. I can't understand that the Surviving R. Kelly documentary and things of the like may have been necessary so that people's voices were actually heard. Why do we refuse to listen unless it's big and flashy and noisy?

What I can say is that it is unfortunate that Michael Jackson had passed and that more victims have come forward. Without his testimony or statement there can be no justice or his name cannot be cleared if he was innocent.

One law that I don't completely understand is the statute of limitations. I feel like in the case of sexual abuse criminal charges should be allowed to be pressed many years later. Victims of a crime like this with such mental and emotional damage and Corruption are not always able to speak up right away. If we're not here to stand up for victims what are we even doing?

We need to do two things be better at protecting children, and believe those who speak up.

Testimony time

I recently shared this on Sunday.

As Pastor Paul had mentioned last Sunday, we went to Dominican to be put to work, to allow God to minister to the people there through us. Instead he met us there and he gave me healing.

I know that Sarah had shared with the Ladies group about our childhood but for those of you who weren’t there I’ll share a bit about it. My sisters and I were abused by our father for 10 years of our childhood, it was our own personal hell. Although we were in it together I felt alone. Eventually our older sister spoke up about it when she was 18 and our father went to prison.

We went to church occasionally growing up but I was rather confused by the thought of a God who said I should be honouring my parents when a horrific thing was going on in my household. When my father was in Jail, I opened my heart to God. I realized he was there with us, and counted every tear that was shed. God placed people in our lives who loved and supported us. I had a new Father, whose love never waivered.

Over the years I have struggled with forgiveness. I would forgive my earthly father and try to live my life, but flackbacks and traumatic memories haunted me and hate grew. I tried living my life, forgetting  the memories and forgetting him. With God’s help I have found strength to get up every morning. Even though I was on fire for God for a few years I have since become a very surface level Christian, barely reading my bible and only praying in church.

In Dominican, when I shared my testimony I was very direct and to the point because nerves and emotions took over. Pastor Juan asked everyone to come pray with me. I normally don’t cry in front of people but then my sister began to (in her words, not mine) ugly cry, this allowed me to let it out and allow God into my heart again. The women from Dominican hugged me one by one leaving me with words of affirmation of God's love and power.

I had not realized it before but I still don’t trust God. I have had a handful of men hurt me in my life and betray the trust that I put in them. Although I have started to allow myself to trust a few key people that make me feel safe who I know won’t hurt me, I haven’t completely put my trust in God. I still have a lot of healing to do and I’m grateful that God used this trip to open my eyes to the fact that he’s not done pursuing me yet.

My favorite bible verse is John 15:16

“You did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you so that you might go and bear fruit--fruit that will last--and so that whatever you ask in my name the Father will give you.”

The part that sticks out to me most is in the first line, - You did not choose me, but I chose you. Often times we think we chose to love God but we forget that he first loved us. HE chose you!

Pedophilia is not acceptable!

I literally had to stop watching an episode of one of my favourite shows to vent. 

In this particular scene, police officers were questioning a known pedophile in connection to a new case. Watching shows or movies that deal with child sexual abuse doesn't normally affect me as I think awareness of children victimisation is important. 

What Irked me today was how the character in the show stated that he was "born this way". His character did state that he was on meds, and was now able to control his urges. I agree with the end of his statement, medication may be necessary in controlling this addiction but, No one is born a pedophile. 

I have not done or read studies on the matter but perhaps when I'm not on my lunch break at work one day I will read the statistics. 

If you haven't read my previous posts, I was a victim of child sexual abuse.

This is what I have come to believe....

Sexual preference is something that is cultivated. Before you misunderstand me, please note that I am a Christian and what I am saying stems from those beliefs. I do understand that sexual urges are natural God given desires and as such he created marriage as a way to healthily manage them.

We being human have to fight against urges daily, to prevent our minds from taking things too far.

Basically I think that pedophilia is an addiction brought on by exposure to unhealthy amounts of sexual stimulation. Meaning, Porn or even for that matter, your imagination. If you don't set boundaries for yourself, more and more things become intriguing, opening doors you never thought you'd open.

I should mention that not all sexual stimulation is controlled by ones self... Victims are forced do things they don't want to and to watch porn or any other number of things... they are forced into this unhealthy world of hurt. Who's to say what addiction if any, may stem from this.

All sexual desire happens slowly.

An example would be; as a child you think a boy or girl is icky and has cooties.. one day you are intrigued by them... and want to hold hands...eventually you decide to kiss them only because some kid on the play ground said that is what you're suppose to do....Then that day arrives where a parent has to have the awkward conversation about the birds and the bees, kids find hearing this gross but eventually are intrigued....etc.

This being said, I find it hard to believe that someone could be born sexually attracted to a child, when sexual attraction is something that is developed over time. It frightens me how eagerly accepting the world is. It feels like society is ready to accept this as another sexual orientation.

As a former victim now survivor of child sexual abuse, I will NOT sit quietly as this happens.

We need to protect children. Paedophilia is not acceptable!

If you or anyone you know is a victim of child sexual abuse or if you've spotted child porn, report it!

https://www.protectchildren.ca/app/en/ 

Sometimes I wonder

If you have read any of my blogs before or know me personally, then you know that I was abused as a child. Mostly I don't think about it, mostly it doesn't haunt me. There are times where I think about something and a memory will flashback. It's not a traumatic memory or flashback but just something small and then I get angry.

Today, I have felt a little bit depressed by an unrelated subject and somehow it came back to the same thing. I asked myself, am I depressed because of my childhood? Did he know that what he would do to me would be with me for the rest of my life? Did he even care?

It surprises me how much from my childhood is carried with me. It is intwined into every part of me.  One example is how my family grew up with very little money. For me that meant I never wanted to go without. I've always had a job, I work hard, I try to help others when I can... Those are the positives. The negatives are; I don't like taking a hand up, I can't humble myself to allow others to help even when I need it the most. I let money control my life as I rely on it so heavily. I have a really hard time spending money on myself. I love buying gifts for people maybe even surprising them, but if it's something that I want or need I won't buy it. I wear all of my clothes until they are no good. Currently I'm too big for all of my pants but I see it as wasting money. There is something that I will allow myself to spend money on , and that's food.  It doesn't really matter to me if it's junk food snacks coffee or even just grocery shopping I always buy the best of the best. Somehow I've Justified that I need food and if I feel like splurging and eating a little bit more or snacking on something that's sweet and delicious than I do it. I never restrict myself in that area. Hence why my pants don't fit. It's a vicious cycle.

Does he know that what he did to me has made me so shy, ashamed and embarrassed? Did he intend to steal my self-confidence? He not only took it away but he caused me a physical deformity. I don't know if I've ever had good posture but all those years of hunching over to hide my body has been hard to reverse. When I look at myself in the mirror, I see the Hunchback of Notre Dame.

Did he not know how important it is for a young girl to have a man to look up to? Did he want all men to treat her like dirt? If a girl is not taught how worthy and wonderful she is she will continue to run into the arms of people who hurt her. She will let them trample on her and you use her so that she can feel any sort of something. She will just want to feel any emotion to know that she's alive.

Sometimes I wonder if he knew that his actions would have consequences. Sometimes I wonder if he cared.

It's just another struggle I must overcome

I've been having a rough year. I feel lost. I'm not sure if I know my purpose.

Don't get me wrong, my brain know my purpose on this earth. I've heard it so often in church. The problem is my heart has clogged ears or something. It's almost if it doesn't care what my purpose is, like a teenager tuning out what it doesn't want to hear. Even though I know my purpose is to spread the love of Christ my heart desires more. I feel like I should have a more purposeful career, that I should be a mother and raising happy healthy children.

Perhaps I feel like God can't fulfil my desires because I've become annoyingly good at choosing things over reading my Bible and praying. I have found it so easy to do everything and anything else first. Going to work and going to church and helping out when I can isn't enough. I feel ineffective. 

Mostly I do things to avoid emotions. I keep my mind either extremely busy with work or I distract myself with endless hours of TV or Games on my phone. 

I'm not even sure what emotions I'm suppressing, or where it started. 

Currently I feel extremely depressed. I've gained weight and don't fit any of the clothes I own. If you've ever put on your favourite pair of jeans and realised they were a bit more snug than they normally were, maybe you can relate. It's really a frustrating cycle. I know I am loved by a great and mighty God, (This might be a brain thing and not a heart knowing) and that I should love myself no matter what my appearance, but I can't seem to do that when I feel so uncomfortable.

Weight is my biggest frustration, for as long as I could remember weight didn't bother me. I was happy with who I was even if I gained a few. I cannot pin point when that changed. Perhaps it was when I was rejected by a guy that I liked. The very thought that I put so much worry into what a guy, who probably wasn't worth it anyways, thought about me makes me mad. I hate when young girls say, "I'm fat" It breaks my heart. I felt so shattered when my niece at the age of 9 said to me, "I'm Fat!" When I told her she was not fat that she was a beautiful healthy girl I also asked who told her she was. Her response shocked me. She had said that I did, when I told her I couldn't give her a piggy back ride anymore because she was too big. I meant she was too tall and that I wasn't strong enough. I immediately explained that to her of course. It is frustrating that we live in a society that has made 9 year old kids insecure about their bodies or anyone for that matter. I pray that one day that changes, but I know that is wishful thinking.  

Early this morning I was awoken by another nightmare, I don't remember my dreams often but I hate them when I do. It sucks that such painful memories can haunt and have such a hold on me. It makes me frustrated that my sisters and I were stuck in that nightmare of a reality. It also makes it extremely difficult to forgive and let go. My nightmares are all along the same theme though. Being fooled into trusting and then finding out he hurt my sisters again. It feels like a never ending cycle. I just want to run far from all of these emotions. 

Being and feeling depressed is odd to me. It's at times I feel fine, and others I feel sad. I now find myself thinking of ways to be more alone. I occasionally will not go out and do things that take effort. It's not always like that. I try reaching out to old friends to see if they are available but nothing seems to work out. Eventually I give up. I always put so much effort into friendships, yet they never contact me. I wonder if that means I'm a terrible person and people don't want to be around that. That's why I find it easier to be alone. I only have to be around me then.  When I'm alone, I like me. Other times when I'm alone I feel very alone.

All these things frustrate me. Why can't I be okay with being alone? Why do I desire friendships? Can't I be satisfied with just me? I do understand that people get busy with their own lives and friendships end. It just sucks. 

It's just another struggle I must overcome.

Someone dear to me posted something on social media about fake photos and only showing the happy moments in life. I thought it was about time for some raw truth.

Smiles are nice but mine is hiding my pain.

Today was a rough day.

Today was a rough day.

Just when things seem to be going good or rather ok, I have a dumb day that reminds me that no, everything is not ok. Today was a brutal reminder, an avalanche after you've been stranded on a mountain for a week.

Let me dial things back a bit, okay maybe 15-20 years back.... Growing up we didn't really have much, but being a child you could be creative and and not let it bug you so much. I was never sure how financially poor we were, I just knew we didn't get the same cool lunch treats as other kids or that we were sponsored to be able to go to camp. I never complained when I had to wear hand-me-downs from our cousin, I mean she had great taste. These things did however,  make me decide I didn't want to live like that.

Jump ahead, I got a job at Subway when I graduated. Unfortunately I had the mindset that I couldn't go to college because I'd never be able to afford such a thing. I'm not sure where the negativity in my head has come from. Eventually I got a job as a line cook and thought one day I'd be a chef, that lasted a month as I was fired. (They gave me a lame reason) another blow to my already deflated ego. I continued at Subway thinking I could not do much better. Eventually,  I did quit, as I had been promised a management position and my boss gave it to someone else.

One day,  I wandered into Sport Chek, a job that would end up teaching me a lot and shaping me into the hardworking person I am today. While at Sport Chek, I was able to buy a house just before my 24th birthday, I felt blessed!  Like every job, it had its ups and downs I mean, and this is a reference current chekers will understand, I was new girl, for a very long time. I made so many simple mistakes, but I was determined to do better. I did of course, became head cashier jumped around the store as merchandiser back to head cashier and Sales Support Coordinator. Sadly that's as high on the Chek ladder that I could see myself going. I didn't want to manage a department like clothing as my position allowed me to dabble in management and the lazy new 16 year olds just frustrated me. I didn't need or want the stress of raising someone else's children.

This brings me to my current job which came as a complete surprise to me.  I couldn't have imagined a job where I'd work for and with such awesome people. I have great hours and make more than I did at the Chek. Things were going good and I thought it was about time to buy a car. Remember that I am Miss negativity,  I never thought I'd buy a house and I never thought I could own a car. Things were looking good and I was feeling pretty great.

Then that avalanche hit. What was I thinking? Why did I think I could be better and have better than I did in my childhood? Why did I for some reason think I deserved to have these blessings?

You ask,  why the mental breakdown? Well today was a rough day. I went into work and realized I've made all these mistakes, but I didn't let it get to me and said to myself,  "I will do better!" The end of the day couldn't have come soon enough and I had this bright idea to run home instead of bussing,  so I left my purse at work changed into my workout clothes and I was off! For about 15 minutes I felt pretty great! I soon got tired and began walking and tried jogging every so often. If you don't already know this about me,  I don't workout very often but I'm wanting to get back into it. Suddenly,  I could feel my feet tingling, I'm not sure what that means but it freaked me out! At that point I was ready to give up but the bus stop route next to me was done for the night, I trudged on. I took a break at a bus stop that would take me closer to home and was happy to see it was just down the street. As I reached for my bus pass, I found that I had lost it along with my debit card. Lululemon,  you failed me! I thanked the driver for stopping and told him I lost my pass but he told me to get on the bus and gave me a transfer as well, I'm extremely grateful for his kindness. Once I got off the bus I found that the transferring bus did not come for quite some time so I kept walking. Meanwhile I began to beat myself up about losing my bus pass. In my head I began adding things like "Just throwing money away, no wonder you're struggling financially." Let's just say it was not a fun walk home.

Today was a rough day. I can't seem to get ahead ever, maybe it's because I mentally think I don't deserve to. Maybe it's because I don't have enough faith. It seems when I try to better myself by getting in shape and eating right, by reading my bible and praying more or trying to get ahead of my financial struggles, I get no where. I'm a salmon swimming against the current.

Today was a rough day. 

You've hurt me one too many times and I don't know how to forgive.

Lately I have felt different. I feel like I am wandering through life just to get through it. I am not on fire for the Lord anymore even though I want to be. I have no desire to read the word, I don't get anything out of church services. It's just not the same.

I think that the common denominator or the time frame once when I felt the change has to do with my dad. I can't recall how long ago it was but I had found out that my father was telling people less of the truth of what happened to my sisters and I growing up. I think the reason it affects me so much, Is that it makes me feel unimportant or that The pain that I went through isn't being validated. It hurts me because it makes me feel like he actually has no remorse for what he put us through. So once I heard he was telling people these lies I decided I didn't need to allow him to hurt me anymore. I decided that I didn't owe him anything. I still feel that way but I guess deep down it's eating at me. I don't think it's fair, that he should cause so much pain and I'm still suffering from it.

I have never really understood forgiveness. Well I thought that I had forgiven him a long time ago and let go of all of those things., but I guess I've held onto it. I've held onto the pain, I've held onto terrible memories, I've let it fester in my brain. It's not fair what did I do to deserve this.

 I know in the Bible it says that we should forgive others so that God forgive us. I just can't wrap my head around the concept of forgiveness. I mean I could forgive someone if they were sincere about their apology. But if they show no remorse if they belittle your feelings, how? I don't know, it's really difficult for me to understand. I know that they say not forgiving someone does more harm to you than it does them and I believe that I've seen it in my own life. It's not something that I can comprehend. It doesn't make sense for me to forgive someone and have them a lie to people that you love, and then go on allowing them to be a part of your life.

I suppose maybe my father was so high on drugs that he doesn't remember anything that happened when we were children. Not an excuse.  We were his children. He was the only father we knew. We were supposed to feel protected and safe but he took that from us and used our trust to manipulate us into his sick twisted plans. That is not the definition of a father. No one should ever take advantage of a child ever. He disgusts me.

Why should I feel guilty for not talking to him, calling him, giving him birthday or Christmas gifts and for ignoring his phone calls. Why do I care. It is not fair that this is tearing me up so much. He doesn't deserve the anger and shouldn't get a rise out of me.

Sadly it is affecting my walk with God. I recently discovered that I didn't feel like I deserve to be loved. That I was not worthy that no one could ever love me and yes that was because of my father. Eventually I was able to see that I was worthy and that there was hope for me for a future and a life, For some reason my lack of forgiveness has me at a stand still when it comes to my walk with the Lord. I can't seem to get past this and don't understand why.

Sometimes I think that writing my father a letter would be healing. I did write them a letter when he was in prison and it was very truthful saying that I was mad at him for what he had done to us and all kinds of things but recently someone told me that he might of not actually got that letter that most of it would've been blacked out by the prison staff. Maybe they had to protect him from committing suicide or something I'm not sure. That really makes me mad, he needed to hear those words. Maybe he didn't need to hear those words but I needed him to. It was all things that I think were valid. So when I think about writing him a letter again I do feel guilty like perhaps maybe if he reads it, he might try to kill himself. Sometimes I think that somebody needs to stop letting him live in this lie.
We can't just pretend it never happened and not talk about it. That's how cycles remain. We have to break the chain.
I'm not sure how I want to end this blog. I'm seriously annoyed and lost. Why can't forgiveness be easy.