Still making mistakes, but learning from them.

I watched a porn video today. I felt completely unclean after watching it. It wasn't my intentions to watch porn as I searched the Internet. I was looking for a funny video that my friend had posted online. Once the video popped up I tried to push the temptation away by skipping over to the next page. When I couldn't find the video I was looking for, I went back to it.

I once prayed that God Would help me to hate sexual sin. In my personal opinion sex outside of marriage is sin. I also believe that thinking or imagining sex is a sin. "I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart." Matthew 5:28

A verse that is locked into my memory is "No temptation^[c] has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted^[d] beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted,^[e] he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it." 1 Corinthians 10:13 God gave me several ways out of this situation. I should have ended the video many times.

Why do I give in so easily? I could use the excuse that I am so messed up from my childhood. That's all i would see it as though, an excuse. I hate excuses. People need to own up to their decisions. If I was so corrupted from my past, I would have watched my first pornographic video years ago. I made these choices on my own.

"This is the verdict: Light has come into the world, but people loved darkness instead of light because their deeds were evil. Everyone who does evil hates the light, and will not come into the light for fear that their deeds will be exposed. Whoever lives by the truth comes into the light, so that it may be seen plainly that what they have done has been done in the sight of God." John 3:19-21 I don't want to hide, ever! I don't see the point of keeping my sins secret from anyone. The only one I care about knowing, the one I want to impress and do good things for, He already knows I have sinned.

Not telling people about this sin is me letting myself commit this sin again. I can tell myself that I wont do this again. Lord help me, is what I ask. Unfortunately, I need to see the repercussions of my actions. Think of it like this.... a pup chews your shoe, if you wait ten minutes to scold him he is not going to understand you were trying to correct his shoe munching habits. If you were to teach him immediately, he will have a better chance of learning. I tend to not think of the consequences of my actions until after I have slipped into sin. That is why I need accountability partners. These people can remind me of why It's a sin. They can grab me and give me a good shake if needed. They help me live in the light.

Sometimes I think to myself, God can perform miracles, he can cause me to never make that mistake again, he can break this for me. In deed he can, but Jesus said to the adulteress woman, “Then neither do I condemn you,” Jesus declared. “Go now and leave your life of sin.” John 8:11 We need to put in some work, we can't just wait. The Lord cleansed us of our sins but we have to turn from that sin. Making choices and putting plans into place to prevent ourselves from committing this sin again shows faith and dedication.

I do hate this sin, it makes me feel dirty and unworthy of God's love. I then let the devil feed me off those thoughts. He tells me I am never going to be good enough. He says I will never be free of this sin. He tells me I am disgusting.

I need to remind myself that I am not disgusting. I am human, these desires are natural, God given even. God wants us to enjoy these things. God know the healthiest ways to enjoy these desires. We need to trust that when it is time we will experience these joys and please him at the same time.

Still I pray, Lord help me to hate this sin, take this image out of my head so that it doesn't haunt me or infect my thoughts again. Purify my heart, mind, body and soul. May my mind be filled with thoughts that please you. Lord be my strength when I am tempted. You know what is right, fill my heart with the desire of those things. In Jesus' name, Amen

Sin is like a horrible computer virus, it comes unexpectedly and can take over everything. God is the ultimate anti-virus protection.

All this computer lingo reminds me that I need to find a program that blocks pornographic sites on my computer.

I am stepping out in faith, showing God that I am dedicated. I want to so the work it takes to clean my life of this filth. I believe I will be able to experience the desires of my heart, if I just trust in him. "Trust in the Lord and do good; dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture. Take delight in the LORD, and he will give you the desires of your heart." Psalm 37:3-4

God has planned a perfect time for everything. "There is a time for everything,

and a season for every activity under the heavens: a time to be born and a time to die, a time to plant and a time to uproot, a time to kill and a time to heal, a time to tear down and a time to build, a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance, a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them, a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing, a time to search and a time to give up, a time to keep and a time to throw away, a time to tear and a time to mend, a time to be silent and a time to speak, a time to love and a time to hate, a time for war and a time for peace." Ecclesiastes 3:1-8 I plan on slowing down and being patient. It's going to be a tough road ahead. I can do it. Keep me in your prayers.

You Are Not Alone

Psalm 23:4 "Even when I walk through the dark valley of death, I will not be afraid, for you are close beside me." NLT

If we know that he is beside us, why do we feel alone?
We as a people have alienated ourselves. We can stay connected with others from the comfort of our own homes. Texting, Facebook and other social networking sites have made saying hello a whole lot easier, but are we really connecting?

The best way to connect to someone is face to face followed by Skype, calling someone, text and lastly Facebook and other social networks.

Personally I know that I don't tell everybody everything over text. Why would I broadcast my struggles with sin over Twitter for the whole world to know? When people ask how you are doing over text the easy quick answer is good. Is this connecting? I have had text conversations about what I should eat with people. There's no depth to that. If Facebook and text are the most disconnected forms of communication, why is it our first choice in communication? We aren't being honest with ourselves, others or God when we alienate ourselves like that.

What can we do to change this?
Ecclesiastes 4:9-12 "Two people can accomplish more than twice as much as one; they get a better return for their labor. If one falls the other can reach out and help, but people who are alone when they fall are in real trouble. Two under the same blanket can gain warmth from each other but how can one get warm alone? A person standing alone can be attacked and defeated, but two can stand back-to-back and conquer. Three are even better, for a triple braided cord is not easily broken." NLT

We need to start really connecting. Find a group of people you can trust. Don't hold back. They have your back. They care about you. They are people going through some of the same struggles you are. When we alienate ourselves we trick ourselves into thinking that we are the only ones with this problem. You also need to be someone who is trustworthy. It's not gossip hour, gossip is very uncool. Just be a friend and listen.

Jesus is the third person in the braided cord. He needs to be the center of these groups, in any relationship. He will bind us together. He will give you words of encouragement for your friend. He will give you answers to your problems using these people and through his word. We need to dig into his word and go deeper. The Bible has the answers to life; we just have to find them. The Lord will also speak to you, we just need to spend time in prayer, and listen for him.

We can do this thing called life. We just can't do it alone. So get to know God, with some Christian friends as your support system.

Everyday I get deeper in confusion

I don't know what I want. My problem is I crush really hard. It seems that every guy I like doesn't want a relationship, or doesn't want to date me. I like the fun flirtatiousness and everything that leads to, but I know that this will only set me up for heartache. I keep giving my whole self in these situations. I don't know why I cling to it. Is it because I like being told I'm beautiful? I know I'm attractive. What is it about hearing it from someone else? I keep changing my mind. Saying I want these things and then I say that I don't. These guys... some of them are amazing and so understanding. Frustrates me even more that they don't want to date me. Some guys are nice guys, but will try tempting me. Frustrates me that they don't respect me but it's attention. I like not feeling invisible. I really don't know what I want. I want to have fun, I feel like at the end of the day I will just be alone. I just don't get it. I'm told I'm pretty and funny and that any guy would be lucky to have me. None of these guys want to be that lucky guy. Are they lying to me? Am I repulsive? I am happy being single. I just would feel better about the choices I was making if I knew these people actually cared about me.

to top it off i have this battle going on. I know I shouldn't be making these choices. I keep doing so. Then i try not to but then I fall again. Wish I knew what I wanted

Life, how I love mine.

I went on a missions trip to Dominican at the beginning of February. It was something out of character for me. I have a comfort zone. I don't leave that comfort zone. I'm comfortable there.

When the thought of going first entered my mind I felt I needed to be broken to the things of this world. I like the nice things that I have and I like buying new nice things. I have become very materialistic.

Weeks before my trip I was questioning why I had decided to go. Was it because I wanted to escape the brutal Winnipeg winters? Hey, you can't blame me. I did find myself trying to think of reasons why I couldn't go. I felt that I didn't have anything to offer to these people. I couldn't teach a Sunday school class. I don't know the bible stories. I can't sing or play an instrument. I felt like sending a more rounded person was a better option. However, I did spend so much money on this trip already. Growing up my family didn't have much money, so I do not waste it now. So I went, not knowing what to expect. Not knowing what I had to offer.

I had only been on a small plane once when we flew over Swan Valley. I was nervous about this new experience. At first everything was okay, but then I looked out the window. Was I an idiot? I hate heights, I almost get sick on Ferris Wheels. Luckily the Dickison's had something that would help me sleep. I got a few hours of sleep in. Which was great because I was up pretty late bbming and woke up at 3:30am that morning.

That brings me to one of my favorite people. Alex!!!! I love him. he drove me and his parents to the Airport. So nice of him to wake up so early. Ya right, he did it so he could have the car. We had a great time at the airport just saying extremely random things. He and I need to hangout more on lack of sleep days.

When we landed I wanted to die the heat was so intense. I love warm weather but I get very nauseous in intense temperatures. We got to the hotel and signed up for our rooms. The lady at the desk thought that I was Sherrell and Terry's daughter, and Ashley's sister. We got settled in and met for supper. I'm not sure why Pastor Grant had to go to the front desk but he returned to our table and told us that Pastor Christian was waiting for us. They had already started church and were waiting for us.

I had never been to a church like this. I have attended quiet churches, where you sing hymns from the hymn book and you all say the Lord's prayer every service, and I have been to the new age ones where all you sing is Christian Rock or Hillsong. Our church is in between, we sing up beat songs and some of the lovely oldies, and our Pastors tell jokes in Sermons, we have skits and many more fun things like this. The worship at this Service was amazing. They all had an intense love for God. Their music was 2 beats faster than ours. My wrist got so sore form clapping. You couldn't help but clap along and get excited about the Lord, even when you didn't have a clue what they were singing about. Everyone was so happy to have us there. They barely knew us and loved us immediately. That is what Christianity is suppose to be like.

The next day we went to schools. The kids were so amazing. They ran up to us with drawings and cards, with their names on them. We took a couple Polaroid cameras and were able to give each kid a picture of themselves, they loved this. It did distract kids for the lessons being taught though. Ashley had got some tooth brushes Donated and was able to give them out. lots of kids came back for seconds even though we told them only one. It was so cute to see how happy they were. Later we went to another school and we did crafts with the children. Carol and Sherrell had prepared a puppet show for the children in Spanish, they loved it. There were a few kids who were not in school who came to watch from the windows. We gave them toothbrushes as well. Paul and Jodi even brought them out some crafts.

We had another night Service to attend. This one was even more different than any I had experienced. It was in the middle of the street. This was the Ghetto as they called it. If I had been there by myself at this hour I would have been really scared, but we had all these wonderful Christians around us. It also helped that one of the Church members was an ex drug lord so people knew not to mess with him. The Church had brought out their instruments, speakers and microphones. Motorcyclist would wheel their bikes around us to get through. People stood on their doorsteps and on the roofs to listen. There was even a Rottweiler on the roof behind the band going crazy. We sang two songs that were translated and written down phonetically so that we wouldn't sound too horrible. It even started to rain a bit but the band kept playing, The keyboardist put something over the keys and tried to keep playing Sherrell lifted it slightly so he could see the keys.

wow i forgot about this blog. i will post it cuz there are fun stories but if you need to know more just ask

My Struggles

Lately I have been falling. I wish that I could say it was in love or even on my face, but it has been into sin. It is exactly like the Casting Crowns song "Slow Fade." Slowly I did one tiny thing I wasn't suppose to and then it got worse and all of a sudden I made a huge mistake. The devil was able to trick me. Which is no surprise, he has been Satan for many years, so he has a lot of practice. Why would I be astounded at the thought of the devil tempting me when in Matthew 4 he attempted to lure Jesus away from making the right choice.

One Compromise led to another and I found myself lost... in a place I told myself I was never going to go. It happened so gradually I was able to justify every small sin along the way. Suddenly, I kept running away from everything that pointed me in the right direction. I would hear this song come on my playlist, and think stop fading. The lyrics rang in my head... "It's a slow fade, when you give yourself away." Yet I continued to give into the temptations.

1 Corinthians 10:13 It says that when tempted God will provide a way out so that you can stand under it. I believe this with every fiber of my being. I have seen the way out far too many times. Regretfully, I have always looked away or found a way around it, so that I could continue sinning.

Sin was starting to take over every area of my life. I found it hard to worship in church services, I stopped praying and reading my bible. I knew what I was doing was wrong, and didn't need the reminder. I didn't plan on stopping. I didn't want to make these terrible choices, but I knew I was going to. I couldn't ask the Lord to forgive my sins, when I knew later that afternoon I was going to commit them again. I didn't want to be the kitchen counter that begged to be cleaned, when I knew I was going to have some fine Chicken over later, to muck me up.

I started going to the wrong people for advice, knowing they wouldn't tell me to stop. In fact they encouraged me to continue, and even go further. I was letting the things around me, the things of this world, infect my everything. I wasn't being careful in what I saw, heard or where I let my feet lead me. I was trying to get as close to the edge as I could, but I fell off the cliff and into the jagged rocks that sin is.

I went to a Seventh Day Slumber concert this past weekend. My eyes were opened finally to my mistakes. I had a good cry. I was reminded of who I am and who I want to be. I want to be a strong Christian woman. I love reading my Bible. I love praising the Lord. I love going to church. Living this life of sin was getting in the way of things I loved. I was allowing this sin to drive a wedge between myself and God. I know that I will sin again. I am human and it doesn't mean that just because I am Christian that I am sinless. Only Jesus was and he will be the only one who will ever be completely pure.

I am so glad that I have a graceful God, who forgives. I am forgiven. He has forgotten my sin and I am free to live a new life. I just need to forgive myself and let go of the sin. I don't think this will be an easy road, I know it won't be. I will have to have some accountability partners, wise people who will remind me of who I am. I will have to fill my mind with things of God, rather than all the filth that is out there.

I want my own Jesus. I will not stop fighting until I have a personal relationship with him. I need to be persistent. I don't want to backslide. Pray for me....

I'm a home owner.

I did it, I bought a house. I am a home owner at 23. I think that's bizarre. I'm loving every minute of it. I come home from work to find mail in my mail box addressed to me. I even love having to wash my own floors. Andrea can tell you that they get insanely dirty, we had to get on our hands and knees once already. I have a roommate, we get along well. We even eat the same foods. I'm lucky she decided to move in with me. She started this prayer wall thing, it's a lovely idea. I love that I can have a good Christian friend close by. Thank the lord. I wanted to post pictures but I think I left the cord for my camera at my moms house. I will jump on that asap. I am Lucky that everything fell together so well. I was able to find this cute little house and buy it within less than a month. Pierre and Lisa did great work. They had many bumps in the road but they got it done.

The first night I slept in my house I woke up feeling so refreshed. I had this great sense of peace. God has really blessed me.

Wow It seems I forgot about my blog. I have been up to a lot since I bought my house. I have bought a new washer and dryer, they look pretty and work so much better than my old ones. My roommate and I installed them ourselves. Who needs a man? LOL j/k we had help from Alex and Sarah, for the heavy lifting and some taping. I also installed some drain pipes for my rain gutters. Luckily my dad helped, but this time I did some of the work. I am very skilled at getting out of doing work. It's a skill I have perfected over many years. :P

I built a pantry, okay Sarah and Benji helped... Getting this pantry was nearly impossible! I saw it online when I first moved in to my house, and thought it would be perfect for our towels. It was measured to be just the right size for a certain spot. I finally had some money to go and get it so Paul drove me to Jysk and it was not in stock! Paul had a bright Idea to have them call when they got one in, and when he let me know they had it I had no money so I waited. Finally pay day arrived... I began calling locations to be sure they had the KARL 1 DOOR PANTRY. Two locations were out of stock, I was on hold at the third location for almost 5 minutes, just as I was ready to hang up, I was happy to hear they did have some in stock. Guess what! It ended up being 20% off! How much more perfectly planned could that have been?!

It has been getting chilly, I suppose it makes sense seeing as it's October. I had to turn the heat on a few times already. On one of these days I had to grab something from my basement and I found out that it was really hot down there. I had to shut the vent a bit more down there and open the valves of a few vents. Jacey was telling Chrissy and I about how he put plastic on his windows, how it saves him a bunch of money on bills. I really need to get on that train. This might be another fun project, blow dryer and double sided tape, sounds like a party. LOL

I have started a VLOG! I have only made 3 so far, kind of took a break from my computer days. I guess my blackberry is to blame for that! I just tweet and facebook from there. I will try harder to keep up with this stuff. I Love this kind of thing. That's All I can think of to say right now. GOOD NIGHT

I don't like this feeling...

My stomach is all twisted and I wanna vomit. I didn't know someone could make me feel like this.

I hate feeling bad about myself. Was I not pretty enough? Smart enough? Fun enough? Was I too mean? Not tall enough? Young enough? Did I smell?

I really don't get it. I think I hate him. I don't want to, but he really screwed with my emotions. Kept telling me we couldn't date, cuz he wasn't ready that he had a day picked out. Well he sucks!!!!!!! Now he's already gone on dates with this new girl and it's only been a month and he's "in a relationship". I must be completely unattractive and when he showed interest in me he must have been just settling.

I regret ever giving him a piece of my heart. He didn't deserve any of the feelings I had for him. I wish I could go back in time and erase the moment I told him I liked him.

I'm glad I could keep him entertained until something better came around.

What I hate most of all is that I don't like these thoughts I'm having. I still like him. I still think he's a great guy. I still want him to be happy and blessed.

Apparently It's been two months since he's had feelings for me. I'm offended by that. We had a pretty interesting conversation on easter. Glad I was so easy to forget.

I was the best thing for him. I didn't wanna take anything from him. I only wanted to be there for him. He just wouldn't talk to me about the things he was going through. Apparently I wasn't good enough of a shoulder to cry on.

I hate that I just keep feeling worse about myself. I hate that someone could do this to me. I think being single is the only way to live. Then only you can disappoint yourself.