Inside my tiny head.

Why does everything have to be a battle in life?

I can't decide anything.

I have all these things I like and dislike at the same time.

I like dogs they are cute and great companions, but I don't like their stench and that they slobber or bark. I want a dog but not the responsibility. What am I twelve? LOL I guess having been scared of Dogs for most of my childhood forced me to skip the responsibility test all children should receive.

I like kids, they are cute. I enjoy seeing a mind grow into an intelligent being. It's fun seeing the light bulb go on when Naomi learns something I just taught her. I dislike that kids are such handfuls. Personally I think all children deserve a firm hand when they get out of line. I turned out just fine. Kids these days are so spoiled and don't respect their parents. What I hate most about kids is the thought of me bring one into the world and not being able to protect them from the things of this world.

I like to eat (as I mentioned a few times already! LOL) Food is so satisfying. The weight you gain, not so pleasant.

I'm a terrible person thinking of myself and these tiny matters, when people are facing mountainous ones.

Addictions, Hunger, War, Death.

I have never really faced any of these first hand.

People around me have had addictions and their lives were ruined by these habits. These addictions have harmed me, but now I am much stronger because of them.

There were a few times growing up when there wasn't much food around the house but we still ate. I'm sure the addictions expense helped subtract from you grocery budget.

I know some people in the military. They have been blessed to still be alive.

Death, how can I have lived 22 years and have not had someone I love die? Now that my family may be reading this, they think, "What about Grandpa?" The truth is I didn't shed a tear for him. I saw my dad cry and it broke my heart to see him in anguish so I cried for him. I guess I never really loved my grandpa something kept me at bay, unable to connect to him. I now know that it was because he was a bad man. The only other funeral I remember crying for was my uncle Virgil's. I never knew him well. I once again cried because I could see my cousins falling to pieces. I feel like saying that I never want to cry at someones funeral, but I do. I want to know that I opened myself to love enough and truly cared about someone.

My whole life I have been protecting myself in fear of being hurt. How else are you suppose to move on, when at a young age someone you trust with all you heart hurts you? I find myself pushing my mom away because I know she loves me so much. Why is this? I know she will never hurt me. Is it that I don't want to hurt her? Sometimes I fear the evil that haunted me as a kid will return. After all, everyone is human, addictions can haunt a person again. I will not be able to trust this person again. I need strength to forgive and to trust people again.

I have not faced some of the large battles in life that are out there but for me being a victim of child molestation is a battle I will be fighting for the rest of my life. I pray that any victims out there know that they are not alone, and that there is a way out. May the Lord provide them with the escape from their hell.

I know some of you are thinking, "I can't believe she put this online for millions to read!" That is exactly why I posted it online. Hopefully it helps someone going through the same struggles or helps a child get out of their situation.