I'm So Sad

I haven't blogged in awhile because I haven't known what to write on the subject that has been on my mind.

My birthday is coming up in two days and I don't know what to do with myself. It will break my heart when my birthday ends and I don't hear from Twyla. It may be selfish of me to want to know she is thinking of me on my birthday, but I just do.

I am beside myself, when I think of not being her friend anymore. I told her everything. My deepest darkest secrets well maybe not. I only tell God those, but the ones right under those, the secrets you don't tell the world. She knew them. She gave me advice on guys. I'm totally going to make an ass of myself the next time I find a boy of interest. Not that I listened to all the advice. I have no will power what so ever. Give me a bag of chips, no matter how big it is, it will be gone in one sitting.

Why is she no longer my best friend you ask. Well it's her decision not mine. Apparently I have changed in the last year. I don't see it. I asked many people if I have changed and they all said yes. With that reply my eyes jumped out of my head. They soon explained it was in a good way. Example, I'm less shy now. She says I now go to bars and gossip. I have gone to 8 bars since I turned 18, I'm such a bar star! I have already discussed my gossiping issue. I know that I have a problem and I am dealing with it. So I really don't understand this. I'm still the same me. I have always been a part of gossip, I wrote the "juicy details" to Twyla, Melissa, Joyce and Tracey in letters so they never bit me in the bum before.

So, I haven't changed. But she thinks I have. Twyla also said that she could not be my friend at this time because she doesn't like the person I have become she said maybe in the future but not now. I don't know what to think of this. So I told her not to worry about it that if she wasn't willing to stick by my side through the hard times (my gossip faze) then I didn't need her in the future. I don't know what to do she's irreplaceable. So I will never have a best friend again.

I'm confused as to why she is so angry at me. Perhaps she feels she has out grown me like Ted thought he did Barney, on "How I Met Your Mother." Doesn't she know I too would walk until I reached her if she needed me, I would definitely get hit by a bus for her.

She was more than a sister to me and I will miss her dearly. I don't know if she knew how much I cared. It didn't seem like I ever gave her advice for anything and she never really cried on my shoulder. Was I a terrible friend? Did she just never need my advice because she was too smart and solved her own problems? Did she not think of me as a friend and never felt the need to tell me her fears and thoughts? I probably was too self involved and never gave her a chance to let it all out.

If by some chance Twyla you still care enough about me to check my blog, know that I am deeply sorry that I sucked as a Best Friend. You deserve better. I love and miss you.

BOo to Boston Pizza! I want to be a robot! Vanity!

So, I had fun at Boston Pizza but I hate that every time I go there it's with a big crowd. I end up not getting to converse with the people on the other end of the table. It was nice hanging out with everyone outside of work, but I'm a small group kind of person. I have great one on one conversations. Camille and I had some fun conversations about sports and other things.

Jacey was nice to point out that I wasn't saying much. I just don't do well with big groups. It was funny when Jacey said I don't shut up at work. I do talk a lot at work. I love telling people about my most embarrassing moments. You've all heard them. :) Awhile back I asked Jacey if I talk too much and he said he has gotten good at tuning people out. I felt completely unignored. :) lol

I do talk too much I need to listen more. It seems though that I ask people what's new and they say not much so if I don't talk about how I once flashed a teacher we would stand there in silence. I really try to listen to people so that at a later time I can ask them how certain things went but I really suck at it. I'm such a dude sometimes and my mind wanders. I need to work on so many things. Why couldn't we all just be born as wonderful caring people who were automatically built to do everything right. I want to be a robot so bad! LOL

Sadly I have to buy a car I don't want. Since I have no credit, I can't get one on my own I need my sisters income toward it. She won't help me pay for a truck that uses so much gas. Guess I'm buying my mom a car now and mine will have to come someday in a the far future. :( I have wanted the Sport Trac for a really long time. Sarah's so cruel.

Dudes with long nails is so nasty and creepy. I know this one guy who needs to cut them but he plays some kind of guitar and likes using his nails rather than a pick. Yes, it's just the one hand with long nails. People sure are different. He's a cool guy so I suppose his nail length doesn't really matter.

Why have I become this person of appearance? I never use to care about my looks. I didn't wear make up until 2005. Yes, all through high school I didn't care that I didn't look fabulous. I didn't even notice my weight until I was in grade 11. Not that I was sumo size or anything, I just had a bit of flub. Now I can't leave the house without putting on at least eyeliner and mascara. I go to the gym now but just to keep fit. I hated running up the stairs and feeling tired. Oh and my hair. In school was it grade 6? I was made fun of because I had knots in my hair. I was forced to have long hair and my mom would make me sit there as she would yank my hair out trying to get the knots out. I hated it, so sometimes I would pull it into a pony tail and leave for school. Now I have to wash, blow dry and straighten my hair before I leave the house. Even on a bad hair day I don't look that bad. Vanity is a silly thing.

Well I'm going to research a car that I like that's good on gas gotta go and try buy it tomorrow. Later

Bum floss, Laughter and Friends.

Bum Floss? I do not understand why girls wear thongs. They must be amazingly comfortable. For me to wear one it would have to be as amazing as a hot tub after a day on the ski hill. I saw some girl on the bus today, well maybe I just saw her thong, because that's where my eye was immediately drawn. When I tried to look away all I could see was her reflection in the window. Why blind a poor soul!? Her pants were so low when she sat that all you saw was crack. Don't people know cracks are not exciting and sexy? If you think about it what comes form there? Nasty! Hide your Cracks Girls! Modest is hottest! If you are finding it hard to find pants that aren't made to ride low, get a belt. That's what they were invented for.

I simply love How I Met Your Mother. I find myself laughing at jokes I have seen a million times. I simply love to laugh, and this show makes me laugh. I was watching Just For Laughs the other day some of the things they do on that show are hilarious. I love pranks that are done in tasteful ways. Even Punk'd was a fave for me. If you can get someone and they are able to laugh with you about it, it's priceless! I'm going to miss Jason jumping out of the darkness. He got a great jump out of me when I came down the stairs the other day. Neil will have to step up to the plate! I think what I like about being scared by Jason is his reaction he gets such a big kick out of it, really entertains him.

I'm trying to make camping plans with two of my friends from Swan. I think it will be fun. Sadly Twyla says she is all booked up. So I'm guessing she can't come. It's a go though the three of us will book it off. I haven't really hung out with Melissa and Tracey since the day I moved. Every time I come visit it's just dinner and catch up talk. We will get to actually fool around and be ourselves. I always get crazy around my high school friends. Nothing like Lily Aldren where she becomes this black woman in a white woman's body, on How I Met Your Mother, but I can be myself around them. They know everything about me, from the most embarrassing story to the most bragged about moment. They knew me before I was pretty. They know what makes me who I am and they care about me. The feeling is mutual, I would do anything for these girls.

Now Twyla if you are reading this, know that I love you just as much maybe more. You actually know me better than they, for you know me now as well. You know everything that I have gone through since high school. I have become a better person because of you and your wisdom. I love and miss you so much and am deeply saddened that I have to wait to visit you. Perhaps in Sept. or Oct. Jan. even, we can go to Assessippi or something. Love You!

I was watching the Hour today. George Stroumboulopoulos (what a name!) ( I thought Chornawka was long) is probably my new favorite person. He's funny and smart. On my new found quest to learn and be more interesting I have stumbled across him. It was easy seeing as this week is Comedy week on the hour. Tonight's guests, Howie Mandel and Carol Burnett were so funny! go to http://www.cbc.ca/thehour/ to see episodes of Russell Peters, Pauly Shore, Billy Connolly an much more.

well I better go to bed. Good night! God Bless!

Craziness!

I just read this really cool article from following Matt Damon on twitter. you can read it here and watch a video. http://gizmodo.com/5277456/stem-cell-contact-lenses-cure-blindness-in-less-than-a-month I copied a bit of it here:

Here's something that people with poor or no vision will be excited about: three patients had their sight restored in less than a month by contact lenses cultured with stem cells.

All three patients were blind in one eye. The researchers extracted stem cells from their working eyes, cultured them in contact lenses for 10 days, and gave them to the patients. Within 10 to 14 days of use, the stem cells began recolonizing and repairing the cornea.

Of the three patients, two were legally blind but can now read the big letters on an eye chart, while the third, who could previously read the top few rows of the chart, is now able to pass the vision test for a driver's license. The research team isn't getting over excited, still remaining unsure as to whether the correction will remain stable, but the fact that the three test patients have been enjoying restored sight for the last 18 months is definitely encouraging. The simplicity and low cost of the technique also means that it could be carried out in poorer countries.

Isn't that so cool and exciting. If people can use stem cells from eyes to correct eyes. There is no limit to the possibilities. Perhaps they will not need to get them from fertilized eggs for the Parkinson's cure. It's amazing what scientist discover. Can you imagine being completely blind and being able to see for the first time? Like in the movie Blind Dating he gets these glasses that allows him to see shadows, pretty cool go see the scene here. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U_u4ZAVslu8&feature=related Really good movie by the way, funny, there is lots of sex jokes in it though. It also starrs a lovely Indian actress. You should watch it!

Matt Damon is awesome. Smart, talented actor and funny check out his impersonation of Matthew McConaughey. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RqWbxDlMo9Q&NR=1 jump to 3:59 tho hear Matt Damon.

Well. I'm a terrible person. My biggest vice has been revealed to me. I'm a gossiper. And I will not take that crap anymore. I will not get sucked in by it's evilness. I don't even mean the things that come out of my mouth I came clean to the person I talked about and apologized for my part in it. I feel terrible that it hurt her so much, she's a good person. I'm sad that it affected others, they should deal with their stuff when they are ready. Sorry. I will not say another word. If I get the urge to say anything negative about someone I'm going to stop myself, think of something I love about them and say that instead. I will out grow this childishness. Gossip eats away at your soul. I don't even understand why I do it. I didn't gossip in high school. Is it the environment? Am I trying to fit in? It's frustrating and I'm not going to let it take me over any longer.

I enjoyed the Bible study today. It goes something like this. Our Physical selves need food so we feed it whatever is around. We sometimes chose to feed it healthily. Our spiritual selves need to be fed too but it is always feeding, On everything in life that we take in; movies, pictures, songs etc. We can chose to feed our spiritual hunger with healthy things like the bible and prayer. Deep stuff!!!

I chatted with one of my oldest friends today, Tracey, I miss her. Glad she helped me decide to be real.

Well I wrote a lot of thoughtful stuff. I wonder if anyone still reads this? Am I even a bit interesting? Oh well It's my way of venting.

Good Night!

la de da da

Should we destroy someones way of life and history to keep ours the way it is? So, there's metals, gold, diamonds, and oil and gas, beneath the Arctic Ice. Should we go get it? Is it right to melt all the ice and take away everything these people know? They shouldn't have to adapt to accommodate us. We can live with out these things. Gold and Diamonds are materialistic, there's no need for them. Gas and oil, If we run out we can find other ways to run our automobiles. We're smart enough, have some patience. Gees.

I have been sick lately and so bored. The fever kept me busy, having to wash my hair with ice cold water and jump in ice cold showers but once that was gone I was bound to my bed. I really wish I hadn't cancelled most of my tv channels. I just felt I was never home and there was no need for them. Until of course the day you get the flu and have nothing to do. LOL Sarah just gave me season 2 of Scrubs and brought back How I met your mother but after four episodes you get bored quickly. I get to bring them to work for everyone tomorrow. I hate when I get colds. I seem to have a never ending fountain nose. I keep blowing it and it never ends. At least my sore throat has disappeared.

My birthday is soon, I hope I work the morning otherwise I will be so bored, waiting for the weekend. I wonder if I can get a few people to go out to dinner with me. some sport chekers perhaps. The weekend will be fun. The Islendingadagurinn, I'm camping in my grandparents yard with some friends. We'll enjoy ourselves. I have so many things to buy; chicken, a volleyball, frisbee, football, coals, matches. so much to do.

I got to go find some other entertianment oh so bored!!! later

High school!

High School...

I hated High School. The cliques. I can't say I was in one. I was the loner. Not quite a nerd and not popular. I never got picked on I think people were scared of me, and how I would react. I was once given the nick name Carrie. Marcel said I was the quiet girl who would one day go insane. I had a few friends and a lot of people knew me.

I couldn't imagine going back to High School. Why would anyone want to face that again. I would do it differently if I had to, study harder, be nicer to people.

Big Brother 11 has done that sent everyone back to high school. Of course they chose people who haven't changed at all. Popular people who are still snobby and full of themselves. Jocks, need I say more. Geeks, as to why they got the label is oh so obvious. The Off Beat crowd aka the sore thumbs.

It will be an interesting season. But why, why Jessie? Do we really need to see his nasty muscles? Do we need to hear his air head replies?

oh well, guess I'll be okay.

chat another time.

I am domesticated!

Or almost anyhow. So, My mom is visiting her parents and my aunt in Gimli so I have had to fend for myself. LOL It sounds like I'm a Little kid, yet I'm twenty three and still live at home. When will I move out? I have had to pay bills this week, not that I haven't payed bills, it's just that I usually give my mom the money and have her do it. I also had to go grocery shopping luckily Sarah is here because I didn't get around to it and probably wouldn't have. Who likes to bus with multiple bags of groceries?! She found a ride.

I have cleaned house this week as my facebook status stated. I wouldn't call it Desperate Housewives clean or even baby safe clean but I cleaned. I now look around the house and see that I didn't really clean. My cleaning job kind of looks like a red neck's back yard with random appliances and couches spread around. Only my couches are high heels, gym bags, a Karaoke machine, toys and tools. Can I be any more of a slob? I did just Clean the toilet and throw some towels in the laundry but that's not much, before that there was a huge pile of wet towels on the bathroom floor. I'm sure I mentioned in an earlier blog that I have a tiny bathroom so the clutter makes it look smaller.

It gives me hope that I'm not a complete moron and that if and when I do move out I will clean. Perhaps if I had someone coming over to my house more often I would feel the need to clean. I'm gonna say that if I had my own place perhaps I would bring people over. You don't want to bring a dude over and have your mom sitting right there. That was awkward! LOL

Well I must work harder to be a Stepford. Off to finish that load of laundry and to get ready for work. I suppose if I were a Stepford wife I wouldn't have a job. I'm not sure which appeals to me. Would I rather stay at home all day and make a lovely home and make delicious meals for my family? I love going to work and making a living. Maybe I will have a part-time job when I get married. I know I will love home life caring for my husband but I would need to get out of the house. I would go insane otherwise.

I wounder if I will still blog then or spend as much time on the computer as I do now. So many questions about the future and who's to say I will live that long or get married. The unknown....

Later

Silliness

Today at work some funny things happened;

Jason scared the crap out of me. I was sitting in the cash office counting my till and he burst in and yelled hey. My reaction was priceless, ask Jason. I love being scared. I get a jolt of excitement. I like the quick pulse and surprise. Also because in these situations I'm immediately assured every things okay. That's why I like scary movies, they give me the thrill but it's not happening to me.

I made a comment about Nicole S from the P.C.D and Jamie over heard me, so I had to explain myself. I mentioned how I didn't like pretty, skinny people. He said your pretty skinny yourself. I found it funny how he didn't catch the comma that was there. I know I paused when I said it. Apparently I am not pretty and skinny just pretty skinny. LOL

Dale told me one of our customers were creepy. Apparently the old guy was watching my every move and then watched another dude punch in his pin. The funny part is how Dale was being the creeper and watching the creepy customer's every move. j/k your not creepy Dale! lol

I'm a wee bit annoyed with some family members, they basically told me my church was no good. The reason they left was because they needed more. It's too bad they spent the last two years at my church wanting out that they have missed how amazing our church has grown and become. It's sad that they think I feel lost and distant because I'm stuck at Bethel. Glad they found something that works for them.

I'm still lost. Why do I believe what I do? I no longer question if I believe it. I catch myself saying praying or talking to God. It's subconscious. I do it without thinking it comes so naturally. Is it because I was told this was the answer? I always find myself working so hard to pray or talk to God. I don't like that it's so hard for me. I look at others and it seems so easy and natural. They don't doubt for a second that God can do anything in their lives. Example: a parking spot. I have heard people say they need a parking spot that's close so they ask the Lord and get it. I don't see this as important. I wouldn't waste time praying for silly things. I see so many people break into prayer every moment, because they have complete faith. Perhaps that's the key, asking him for the small things in life reassures your beliefs and makes it easier to ask for anything anytime. How do you know it's him though. It could just be a coincidence that you got the parking spot. If you don't get the spot you would say God knew someone else needed it more. Or, it just wasn't your lucky day. Something to ponder.

Why is Micheal Jackson's death such a big thing? He died big whoop! No need to get tickets to his memorial. Why?! Is there going to be some big circus show or something? He's dead get over it! I hope I die in a fire so there is nothing of me to mourn. Anyone who lives longer than I should note that you shall not mourn me. I'm in heaven, hopefully! A far better place than earth, so be happy for me. And if not, I'm in hell and not worthy of the tears.

I was reading a magazine while on the treadmill at shapes today and came across a dessert called Coca-Cola cake. I had to look this up, I, a huge fan of Coca-Cola. So apparently there are tons of recipes for Coca-cola check them out. http://www.thecoca-colacompany.com/heritage/recipes.html I want to try some. yum!

I'm kind of shocked at how Hot some of the older women celebrities are. I watched a movie called Spring Breakdown, and Amy Poehler and Parker Posey are Hot and slim! I wanna look like that in my late thirties early forties. Faith Hill has a gorgeous body! Drew Barrymore is looking hotter than ever! Sadly they all look hotter than I and I'm ten years or more younger than they. Oh well. I like myself so who cares.

There was this hot guy on the bus that wouldn't stop looking at me from the moment I got on. It kinda makes you think Do I got ketchup and mustard all over my face? LOL I'm really enjoying all the summer eye candy. I think hot guys are pansies though. Do they hide all winter? Afraid of the cold? I suppose they are all bundled up and I can't see their full hotness. LOL

I'm surrounded by hotties everyday at work. I'm so terrible, I'm hypocritical. I was complaining how dudes whistle at me and how disrespectful it is, and then at the beach I make tons of comments to my friends about how hot these guys were. I'm sure guys are less likely to take it negatively if someone chick were to whistle at them, but i still feel bad. I will try to control my hormones.

Oh so I was thinking about this today. If a guy were to stop me and inform me that I dropped this paper only to have me find the paper is not mine and has his digits on it I would melt. Is that no super cute?! Yes, boys feel free to steal that for any of your future endeavours.

Bed time now sweet dreams!

Day at the zoo, work, new hobbies, and career choice maybe.

Is glad to have good managers! I was having a bad day, and Doug encouraged me to let it out. I love my managers. They actually care about their employees. I'm greatful they encourage me to talk. They are level headed and smart! Glad I talked to Doug.

I really don't want to lose any managers. They are all simply the best. I'm glad Neil is staying but it will suck when the others leave. Lets hope the new managers will be just as great.

I need my days to go better at work hopefully this chat I had will help. If I keep getting frustrated and I don't find my job challenging enough I may have to quit. I really don't want to.

I took my sister and her two kids to the zoo today. I enjoyed myself. My niece is cute. Naomi has this tiny Hannah Montana Camera she enjoyed snapping photos. She used mine too. Messed up my pixels though. oh well. She didn't like the loud birds. Loved Nemo and Dora. Liked the Leopard. Nicholas, although he cannot talk was very intrigued by the animals. When we were about to leave Naomi asked if we could go see the bears again. Tanya said it was okay and we got to see the other bear walk around while his mate was napping. Taking shifts! On our ride home Naomi thanked me for taking them to the zoo and no one told her to. Usually I have to tell her to say thank you or please. I was so proud! As I was getting out of the car she said thank you for taking me to see the bears. I love her!

The development of the child's mind is so interesting to me. I am so intrigued by baby sign and baby can read. These are incredible advances in human nature. I love that we now know kids can learn at such a young age. I believe we should be teaching them right from the womb. Kids take in so much and are intrigued by everything. Ooh, maybe that should be my career choice. Something to think about!!!!

I enjoyed taking pictures at the zoo! I want to get a camera. Photography is such a great hobby.

Hummmmmm...... so much to learn about myself.

*sigh*

I'm in a rut. I don't know what to do. I love work, and my church life. I just feel like my life is pointless. I go to work just to pass time. I told Camille the other day that I kind of just wanted to work til close after my 8 hr shift. I said it was because it was in between the laziness of just going home and sleeping and the energy waster the gym would be. Really it would be just to keep myself busy.

Sadly I go to church and feel nothing, numbness. I just sit through the service waiting for it to be over. I use to text to make time pass during the service but lately I have been trying to pay attention. I even just sing along to the worship songs, not getting into it. What is wrong with me? I made some posts about my beliefs. How can I say these things when my heart isn't in it?

I hope I can get over this slump before my birthday. I don't want to live everyday having bad days.

I like work because everyone is so funny and amazing, but because I don't know what is wrong with me I have bad days.

What is wrong with me? How come church is routine for me? Why can't I read my Bible everyday? Why don't I completely trust in God for the little things? Why don't I pray more often? Why do I continue to sin? I'm not worthy of God's love but he loves all his children. Why can't I fathom how much he loves me? Why do I push him away? I wish I could give over control to him.

I wish I could have this crazy epiphany, and suddenly know my beliefs were correct. I want to all of sudden not have any reason not to pray and read. I want to hunger to know the Lord more.

Sorry my blogs have been less entertaining lately. I'm just not in the mood lately.

If you have any answers for my post them on my facebook page or talk to me in person. I appreciate your knowledge.