My birthday is coming up in two days and I don't know what to do with myself. It will break my heart when my birthday ends and I don't hear from Twyla. It may be selfish of me to want to know she is thinking of me on my birthday, but I just do.
I am beside myself, when I think of not being her friend anymore. I told her everything. My deepest darkest secrets well maybe not. I only tell God those, but the ones right under those, the secrets you don't tell the world. She knew them. She gave me advice on guys. I'm totally going to make an ass of myself the next time I find a boy of interest. Not that I listened to all the advice. I have no will power what so ever. Give me a bag of chips, no matter how big it is, it will be gone in one sitting.
Why is she no longer my best friend you ask. Well it's her decision not mine. Apparently I have changed in the last year. I don't see it. I asked many people if I have changed and they all said yes. With that reply my eyes jumped out of my head. They soon explained it was in a good way. Example, I'm less shy now. She says I now go to bars and gossip. I have gone to 8 bars since I turned 18, I'm such a bar star! I have already discussed my gossiping issue. I know that I have a problem and I am dealing with it. So I really don't understand this. I'm still the same me. I have always been a part of gossip, I wrote the "juicy details" to Twyla, Melissa, Joyce and Tracey in letters so they never bit me in the bum before.
So, I haven't changed. But she thinks I have. Twyla also said that she could not be my friend at this time because she doesn't like the person I have become she said maybe in the future but not now. I don't know what to think of this. So I told her not to worry about it that if she wasn't willing to stick by my side through the hard times (my gossip faze) then I didn't need her in the future. I don't know what to do she's irreplaceable. So I will never have a best friend again.
I'm confused as to why she is so angry at me. Perhaps she feels she has out grown me like Ted thought he did Barney, on "How I Met Your Mother." Doesn't she know I too would walk until I reached her if she needed me, I would definitely get hit by a bus for her.
She was more than a sister to me and I will miss her dearly. I don't know if she knew how much I cared. It didn't seem like I ever gave her advice for anything and she never really cried on my shoulder. Was I a terrible friend? Did she just never need my advice because she was too smart and solved her own problems? Did she not think of me as a friend and never felt the need to tell me her fears and thoughts? I probably was too self involved and never gave her a chance to let it all out.
If by some chance Twyla you still care enough about me to check my blog, know that I am deeply sorry that I sucked as a Best Friend. You deserve better. I love and miss you.
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