My Struggles

Lately I have been falling. I wish that I could say it was in love or even on my face, but it has been into sin. It is exactly like the Casting Crowns song "Slow Fade." Slowly I did one tiny thing I wasn't suppose to and then it got worse and all of a sudden I made a huge mistake. The devil was able to trick me. Which is no surprise, he has been Satan for many years, so he has a lot of practice. Why would I be astounded at the thought of the devil tempting me when in Matthew 4 he attempted to lure Jesus away from making the right choice.

One Compromise led to another and I found myself lost... in a place I told myself I was never going to go. It happened so gradually I was able to justify every small sin along the way. Suddenly, I kept running away from everything that pointed me in the right direction. I would hear this song come on my playlist, and think stop fading. The lyrics rang in my head... "It's a slow fade, when you give yourself away." Yet I continued to give into the temptations.

1 Corinthians 10:13 It says that when tempted God will provide a way out so that you can stand under it. I believe this with every fiber of my being. I have seen the way out far too many times. Regretfully, I have always looked away or found a way around it, so that I could continue sinning.

Sin was starting to take over every area of my life. I found it hard to worship in church services, I stopped praying and reading my bible. I knew what I was doing was wrong, and didn't need the reminder. I didn't plan on stopping. I didn't want to make these terrible choices, but I knew I was going to. I couldn't ask the Lord to forgive my sins, when I knew later that afternoon I was going to commit them again. I didn't want to be the kitchen counter that begged to be cleaned, when I knew I was going to have some fine Chicken over later, to muck me up.

I started going to the wrong people for advice, knowing they wouldn't tell me to stop. In fact they encouraged me to continue, and even go further. I was letting the things around me, the things of this world, infect my everything. I wasn't being careful in what I saw, heard or where I let my feet lead me. I was trying to get as close to the edge as I could, but I fell off the cliff and into the jagged rocks that sin is.

I went to a Seventh Day Slumber concert this past weekend. My eyes were opened finally to my mistakes. I had a good cry. I was reminded of who I am and who I want to be. I want to be a strong Christian woman. I love reading my Bible. I love praising the Lord. I love going to church. Living this life of sin was getting in the way of things I loved. I was allowing this sin to drive a wedge between myself and God. I know that I will sin again. I am human and it doesn't mean that just because I am Christian that I am sinless. Only Jesus was and he will be the only one who will ever be completely pure.

I am so glad that I have a graceful God, who forgives. I am forgiven. He has forgotten my sin and I am free to live a new life. I just need to forgive myself and let go of the sin. I don't think this will be an easy road, I know it won't be. I will have to have some accountability partners, wise people who will remind me of who I am. I will have to fill my mind with things of God, rather than all the filth that is out there.

I want my own Jesus. I will not stop fighting until I have a personal relationship with him. I need to be persistent. I don't want to backslide. Pray for me....

I'm a home owner.

I did it, I bought a house. I am a home owner at 23. I think that's bizarre. I'm loving every minute of it. I come home from work to find mail in my mail box addressed to me. I even love having to wash my own floors. Andrea can tell you that they get insanely dirty, we had to get on our hands and knees once already. I have a roommate, we get along well. We even eat the same foods. I'm lucky she decided to move in with me. She started this prayer wall thing, it's a lovely idea. I love that I can have a good Christian friend close by. Thank the lord. I wanted to post pictures but I think I left the cord for my camera at my moms house. I will jump on that asap. I am Lucky that everything fell together so well. I was able to find this cute little house and buy it within less than a month. Pierre and Lisa did great work. They had many bumps in the road but they got it done.

The first night I slept in my house I woke up feeling so refreshed. I had this great sense of peace. God has really blessed me.

Wow It seems I forgot about my blog. I have been up to a lot since I bought my house. I have bought a new washer and dryer, they look pretty and work so much better than my old ones. My roommate and I installed them ourselves. Who needs a man? LOL j/k we had help from Alex and Sarah, for the heavy lifting and some taping. I also installed some drain pipes for my rain gutters. Luckily my dad helped, but this time I did some of the work. I am very skilled at getting out of doing work. It's a skill I have perfected over many years. :P

I built a pantry, okay Sarah and Benji helped... Getting this pantry was nearly impossible! I saw it online when I first moved in to my house, and thought it would be perfect for our towels. It was measured to be just the right size for a certain spot. I finally had some money to go and get it so Paul drove me to Jysk and it was not in stock! Paul had a bright Idea to have them call when they got one in, and when he let me know they had it I had no money so I waited. Finally pay day arrived... I began calling locations to be sure they had the KARL 1 DOOR PANTRY. Two locations were out of stock, I was on hold at the third location for almost 5 minutes, just as I was ready to hang up, I was happy to hear they did have some in stock. Guess what! It ended up being 20% off! How much more perfectly planned could that have been?!

It has been getting chilly, I suppose it makes sense seeing as it's October. I had to turn the heat on a few times already. On one of these days I had to grab something from my basement and I found out that it was really hot down there. I had to shut the vent a bit more down there and open the valves of a few vents. Jacey was telling Chrissy and I about how he put plastic on his windows, how it saves him a bunch of money on bills. I really need to get on that train. This might be another fun project, blow dryer and double sided tape, sounds like a party. LOL

I have started a VLOG! I have only made 3 so far, kind of took a break from my computer days. I guess my blackberry is to blame for that! I just tweet and facebook from there. I will try harder to keep up with this stuff. I Love this kind of thing. That's All I can think of to say right now. GOOD NIGHT

I don't like this feeling...

My stomach is all twisted and I wanna vomit. I didn't know someone could make me feel like this.

I hate feeling bad about myself. Was I not pretty enough? Smart enough? Fun enough? Was I too mean? Not tall enough? Young enough? Did I smell?

I really don't get it. I think I hate him. I don't want to, but he really screwed with my emotions. Kept telling me we couldn't date, cuz he wasn't ready that he had a day picked out. Well he sucks!!!!!!! Now he's already gone on dates with this new girl and it's only been a month and he's "in a relationship". I must be completely unattractive and when he showed interest in me he must have been just settling.

I regret ever giving him a piece of my heart. He didn't deserve any of the feelings I had for him. I wish I could go back in time and erase the moment I told him I liked him.

I'm glad I could keep him entertained until something better came around.

What I hate most of all is that I don't like these thoughts I'm having. I still like him. I still think he's a great guy. I still want him to be happy and blessed.

Apparently It's been two months since he's had feelings for me. I'm offended by that. We had a pretty interesting conversation on easter. Glad I was so easy to forget.

I was the best thing for him. I didn't wanna take anything from him. I only wanted to be there for him. He just wouldn't talk to me about the things he was going through. Apparently I wasn't good enough of a shoulder to cry on.

I hate that I just keep feeling worse about myself. I hate that someone could do this to me. I think being single is the only way to live. Then only you can disappoint yourself.

I want to be this complete and utterly strong woman. I may seem like this type of person, but that's just because that's what I want you to see. Only people really close to me know how tiny and weak I feel. Recently it has gotten worse. I didn't know how much I wanted and needed someone to rely on until they were gone.

I have heard people tell me I am strong and kind, for being so young and supporting my mom. I am weak, and the only reason I am able to wake up every morning is because I have God on my side. He is the firm rock beneath my feet. I would much rather crawl back under the covers than go to a job to make money and to watch it disappear.

I finally decided to do something for myself. I am buying a house and moving out. I believe it's a wise choice. How can I really be sure though? Is this the road I am suppose to be headed down? I like the thought of not having my mom call me at 11:50 to see if I needed to be picked up because it's late. I LOVE the thought of not having my sister come home after I have fallen asleep only to have loud conversations and wake me up. It's scary though, owning my own house so much responsibility. I will be alone, I will come home to no one.

I have a terrible addiction

Recently I have fallen back to my old ways. I had tried to give up this habit a few times. I had cut down for awhile there but it has gotten bad again. This one addiction doesn't go along with my love affair very well. I need to work harder on new habits if this one intensifies any, or even remains at this level. It isn't really that harmful, but it, isn't the best thing for me.

I could be doing more important things with my time like, reading the bible, praying, hanging out with friends, blogging. I could be trying to learn a language. Note to self: learn Spanish or French and Sign language. I could improve my cooking skills or start writing again, or drawing. I use to love these things. This addiction is sucking the fun and life out of me.

My addiction is Television. I could sit there for hours and just watch Television. This new creation called the pvr is going to ruin me. My other two loves in life are food and sleep. I have found since I have gotten this new pvr, I do a lot of sleeping and I continue to eat the same as before but, I skip the gym.

I am lazy!

How can this be? How could things have changed so quickly? I remember telling Alex that I couldn't sit around watching television that I needed to be with people because it was boring and I got anxious. I now record lots of tv shows and just come home to watch them.

I record Friends, Scrubs, Grey's Anatomy, Ten things i hate about you, veronica mars, the big bang theory, seinfeld, criminal minds, how I met your mother, and many more that are just mind numbing shows.

I need to cut back on this addiction or I will become this sloth like character.

I feel so vain right now!!!!!

First of all I have this lovely friend who needs a kidney and of course I told her I would donate mine. I'm praying to God were a match. I am not just making an impulsive decision. I want to donate my organs when I die and I don't see the difference of donating one now if it's something I don't need. I have been asking people about it and I want to pray about it until I am sure that it's what God wants and not just my hearts desire. I think it's what God wants. I really want to donate my kidney to her.

I finally got a hold of someone to set up an appointment for me. I had to fax her my blood donor card and she said she would send me a letter with the date of my appointment soon. It will be for the last weekend of April. Then I will be asked more heath questions. She asked me a bunch of medical questions today, things like; Do you have a family history of diabetes?, Have you been sexually active?, Have you ever had kidney cancer?, Do you drink?, smoke? When I said no to all these and others she tells me I sound pretty healthy. I was like I'm glad you think so. Does she really think if I was unhealthy I would be trying to donate my kidney?

Anyways I was researching kidney donations today and saw a picture of where the incision was made and it was a curved arc on the left side of the lower abdomen. I cringed at the thought of having my tattoo sliced open. I know I recently said that I don't like tattoos and don't think I should have gotten one. I don't think there is any good reason to get a tattoo. So don't do it!!! I know you think this makes me a hypocrite but it doesn't I got one without really thinking about it and if I could go back in time I would. My reasoning, now that I reflect upon it was pretty dumb. I may or may not have told you why I got my tattoo. It's a cement cross by the way with a thorn crown above it. I wanted my tattoo as a purity ring, to remind myself that I am saving myself for marriage. Which I am. So, I'm against getting tattoos. I will have mine removed, nor do I hate it. I think it's tasteful. Anyways back to the kidney, I don't wanna slice my tattoo open and have a broken cross on my body, that would look bad! LOL

Who's to say it will be my right kidney that they will take anyways. Luckily I did read something else that is said they go through the back to remove kidneys' I'm down with that. Let's hope that's the case.

My other fer is going through all this testing and finding out I am not a healthy candidate. I guess it's better to know that there is something wrong so we can tackle it before it's too late but it's still a scary thought. One thing that I don't like is that the healing time is so long, six to eight weeks. My sister and I can barely afford the bills on both our incomes. I suppose I should trust that God will provide. Plus my job isn't that strenuous, I'm sure I can go back a bit sooner.

I will you keep you posted. Let me know if you think it's vain if I tell the doctors I will do anything to not have them mess up my tattoo.

Trying to understand my own thoughts

This has been an interesting week.

I have felt so many emotions in such a short period of time. Utter happiness to ultimate hurt, followed by anger and confusion, followed by grief and hurt then appreciation.

I felt so much love early this week. Then I went into shock as my heart was ripped out. I am no longer angry. Just hurt why can't I just have ultimate happiness for a change? None of these downer moments.

I hate being torn, I want this, I can't have it, feelings don't go away. I can't seem to let go. I'm not sure if I want to, but I feel like second chances shouldn't be available. Hurt me once, shame on you, twice, shame on me. I suppose if it's God's will it will happen, I will open my heart again. Maybe third times the charm.

I'm frustrated that God has all these plans for me and I'm not aloud to know what they are. I need to stop needing control. I am becoming self righteous and that just isn't right. He is the only righteous one. I am very good at manipulating things with my words to make them my way. I don't want this ability anymore. I do not want to become proud. I have to stop and ask for guidance. Let him take control for he is the reason I have everything. It's better to have the things he wants for me and the only way I can get those things is if I listen to him.

I can't have a real relationship with God if I keep this wall of protection up. If I don't let him in I will fall hard when there is a problem I can't fix. If I don't ask for his help with the small things I will never be able to get help with the big things because I will try to fix it and make it into a even bigger mess.

I need to remember that I am righteous. By the grace of God. I am free of sin. I don't have to listen to the devil anymore. He can tell me I am a sinner and that going to church makes me a hypocrite, but Jesus died for the sins I have committed and the ones I will commit. So yes, I'm human and I sin. God has forgiven me and as a thanks all I can do is live my life for him.

I like my job and I thought for a moment that I would try to find a new job if I felt like I was being taken advantage of. I began to think of trying to find a new job. It would suck because where would I go? Would I find a place that would give me full time hours? Sundays off? I would definitely be bumped down to minimum wage. I however do feel that they do appreciate me as a cashier. Luckily. I now feel like I may be an employee for life though. How can I ever find a new job if it pays less and for less hours I would rather stay. I suppose I could try some schooling for something, but what? Will it be worth it? I guess can find a part time job where I can do something I'm passionate about. Where I can do some work for God and never have to leave my job.

I have been seriously thinking of moving out. I told my mom and sister I would be moving out if they didn't have jobs by March. I may have been bluffing and my mom may have tried calling my bluff. She doesn't have a job yet. The reason I am considering moving out is that I don't want to live at home anymore. I need freedom and independence. My uncle said something like seven days he could have me a house and only 500 dollars mortgage payments per month. I do have two friends who want to move out too so maybe freedom is closer than I thought.

Every time I look at my credit card I want to smack past Amber who made the Dane Cook mistake. I hate debt. How could I have let myself throw away money like that? ugh!!!!!

anyways this was me trying to crack open the twistedness of my head. stay tuned for more craziness

Welcome to my life or lack there of.

I haven't blogged in awhile. guess I got too busy with the good things going on in my life followed by all the stressful things.

I have met the guy of my dreams. So that's the lovely good thing in my life. Work seems to be going good, I'm getting forty hours and I still love everyone I work with. I also decided to start saving for my future by opening an RSP account.

All these great things were followed by the fact that my sister lost her job and I am now the only one supporting my mom, her and myself. Since when was it okay to have your daughter support you? I didn't mind it at first because I assumed it would only be for awhile. That was the case but then my mom lost her job again. I asked my sister to get a job to help out with the bills her reply was, " you didn't have to get a job while you were in school." So I waited. She got a job after school. and everything seemed fine. Now I'm the main supporter of our household. Does this make sense to you. I'm done I think. It's too stressful. I told them to land a job before March or I'm gone. I would feel terrible for leaving them tho. Really, should I have to pay for someone's loan or credit card. Ugh! I feel like my mom has gotten comfortable. She doesn't want a job. The only way to get her out of this faze is to force her. Shake her comfortable world. She use to be this strong woman who could take anything. I need her to be that mother again. I need to feel secure. I don't like this pressure.

I'm 23 I should be out enjoying life.

Meanwhile, I found out I need glasses. That I cannot afford. My eyes keep getting worse too.

because I'm too nice i will stay here let it eat me alive.

Stay tuned....

That really Curdles My Cream!

So, Alex came into my work today to get a toque. Why is it that on a day when I basically roll out of bed and pull my hair back he has to come into my work. That really Curdles My Cream. Even more so is the fact that I tell this to Benji and Neil and they say who cares! just be happy he came to see you. And, Guys don't even notice. WHAT?! I put effort into looking nice for a guy and he doesn't even notice? I like dressing nicely for him and looking hot. Never again will I wear a dress and heels so my legs look sexy. I told Neil the one time I wouldn't wear makeup would be the one day he would say are you feeling okay you look like death. lol

I wanna move some place warm I hate the cold. maybe I'm a bit of a baby but I like warm weather. Taking off layers is easy but putting them on not so much. I was wearing five shirts today then I bought some gloves to work in. I think I'll have to wear some leggings tomorrow.

Well i gotta go not much to talk about. Now you know what Curdles my Cream. I love that Jacey came up with that saying. :)

Night!