I have felt so many emotions in such a short period of time. Utter happiness to ultimate hurt, followed by anger and confusion, followed by grief and hurt then appreciation.
I felt so much love early this week. Then I went into shock as my heart was ripped out. I am no longer angry. Just hurt why can't I just have ultimate happiness for a change? None of these downer moments.
I hate being torn, I want this, I can't have it, feelings don't go away. I can't seem to let go. I'm not sure if I want to, but I feel like second chances shouldn't be available. Hurt me once, shame on you, twice, shame on me. I suppose if it's God's will it will happen, I will open my heart again. Maybe third times the charm.
I'm frustrated that God has all these plans for me and I'm not aloud to know what they are. I need to stop needing control. I am becoming self righteous and that just isn't right. He is the only righteous one. I am very good at manipulating things with my words to make them my way. I don't want this ability anymore. I do not want to become proud. I have to stop and ask for guidance. Let him take control for he is the reason I have everything. It's better to have the things he wants for me and the only way I can get those things is if I listen to him.
I can't have a real relationship with God if I keep this wall of protection up. If I don't let him in I will fall hard when there is a problem I can't fix. If I don't ask for his help with the small things I will never be able to get help with the big things because I will try to fix it and make it into a even bigger mess.
I need to remember that I am righteous. By the grace of God. I am free of sin. I don't have to listen to the devil anymore. He can tell me I am a sinner and that going to church makes me a hypocrite, but Jesus died for the sins I have committed and the ones I will commit. So yes, I'm human and I sin. God has forgiven me and as a thanks all I can do is live my life for him.
I like my job and I thought for a moment that I would try to find a new job if I felt like I was being taken advantage of. I began to think of trying to find a new job. It would suck because where would I go? Would I find a place that would give me full time hours? Sundays off? I would definitely be bumped down to minimum wage. I however do feel that they do appreciate me as a cashier. Luckily. I now feel like I may be an employee for life though. How can I ever find a new job if it pays less and for less hours I would rather stay. I suppose I could try some schooling for something, but what? Will it be worth it? I guess can find a part time job where I can do something I'm passionate about. Where I can do some work for God and never have to leave my job.
I have been seriously thinking of moving out. I told my mom and sister I would be moving out if they didn't have jobs by March. I may have been bluffing and my mom may have tried calling my bluff. She doesn't have a job yet. The reason I am considering moving out is that I don't want to live at home anymore. I need freedom and independence. My uncle said something like seven days he could have me a house and only 500 dollars mortgage payments per month. I do have two friends who want to move out too so maybe freedom is closer than I thought.
Every time I look at my credit card I want to smack past Amber who made the Dane Cook mistake. I hate debt. How could I have let myself throw away money like that? ugh!!!!!
anyways this was me trying to crack open the twistedness of my head. stay tuned for more craziness
No comments:
Post a Comment