My Struggles

Lately I have been falling. I wish that I could say it was in love or even on my face, but it has been into sin. It is exactly like the Casting Crowns song "Slow Fade." Slowly I did one tiny thing I wasn't suppose to and then it got worse and all of a sudden I made a huge mistake. The devil was able to trick me. Which is no surprise, he has been Satan for many years, so he has a lot of practice. Why would I be astounded at the thought of the devil tempting me when in Matthew 4 he attempted to lure Jesus away from making the right choice.

One Compromise led to another and I found myself lost... in a place I told myself I was never going to go. It happened so gradually I was able to justify every small sin along the way. Suddenly, I kept running away from everything that pointed me in the right direction. I would hear this song come on my playlist, and think stop fading. The lyrics rang in my head... "It's a slow fade, when you give yourself away." Yet I continued to give into the temptations.

1 Corinthians 10:13 It says that when tempted God will provide a way out so that you can stand under it. I believe this with every fiber of my being. I have seen the way out far too many times. Regretfully, I have always looked away or found a way around it, so that I could continue sinning.

Sin was starting to take over every area of my life. I found it hard to worship in church services, I stopped praying and reading my bible. I knew what I was doing was wrong, and didn't need the reminder. I didn't plan on stopping. I didn't want to make these terrible choices, but I knew I was going to. I couldn't ask the Lord to forgive my sins, when I knew later that afternoon I was going to commit them again. I didn't want to be the kitchen counter that begged to be cleaned, when I knew I was going to have some fine Chicken over later, to muck me up.

I started going to the wrong people for advice, knowing they wouldn't tell me to stop. In fact they encouraged me to continue, and even go further. I was letting the things around me, the things of this world, infect my everything. I wasn't being careful in what I saw, heard or where I let my feet lead me. I was trying to get as close to the edge as I could, but I fell off the cliff and into the jagged rocks that sin is.

I went to a Seventh Day Slumber concert this past weekend. My eyes were opened finally to my mistakes. I had a good cry. I was reminded of who I am and who I want to be. I want to be a strong Christian woman. I love reading my Bible. I love praising the Lord. I love going to church. Living this life of sin was getting in the way of things I loved. I was allowing this sin to drive a wedge between myself and God. I know that I will sin again. I am human and it doesn't mean that just because I am Christian that I am sinless. Only Jesus was and he will be the only one who will ever be completely pure.

I am so glad that I have a graceful God, who forgives. I am forgiven. He has forgotten my sin and I am free to live a new life. I just need to forgive myself and let go of the sin. I don't think this will be an easy road, I know it won't be. I will have to have some accountability partners, wise people who will remind me of who I am. I will have to fill my mind with things of God, rather than all the filth that is out there.

I want my own Jesus. I will not stop fighting until I have a personal relationship with him. I need to be persistent. I don't want to backslide. Pray for me....