Trying to understand my own thoughts

This has been an interesting week.

I have felt so many emotions in such a short period of time. Utter happiness to ultimate hurt, followed by anger and confusion, followed by grief and hurt then appreciation.

I felt so much love early this week. Then I went into shock as my heart was ripped out. I am no longer angry. Just hurt why can't I just have ultimate happiness for a change? None of these downer moments.

I hate being torn, I want this, I can't have it, feelings don't go away. I can't seem to let go. I'm not sure if I want to, but I feel like second chances shouldn't be available. Hurt me once, shame on you, twice, shame on me. I suppose if it's God's will it will happen, I will open my heart again. Maybe third times the charm.

I'm frustrated that God has all these plans for me and I'm not aloud to know what they are. I need to stop needing control. I am becoming self righteous and that just isn't right. He is the only righteous one. I am very good at manipulating things with my words to make them my way. I don't want this ability anymore. I do not want to become proud. I have to stop and ask for guidance. Let him take control for he is the reason I have everything. It's better to have the things he wants for me and the only way I can get those things is if I listen to him.

I can't have a real relationship with God if I keep this wall of protection up. If I don't let him in I will fall hard when there is a problem I can't fix. If I don't ask for his help with the small things I will never be able to get help with the big things because I will try to fix it and make it into a even bigger mess.

I need to remember that I am righteous. By the grace of God. I am free of sin. I don't have to listen to the devil anymore. He can tell me I am a sinner and that going to church makes me a hypocrite, but Jesus died for the sins I have committed and the ones I will commit. So yes, I'm human and I sin. God has forgiven me and as a thanks all I can do is live my life for him.

I like my job and I thought for a moment that I would try to find a new job if I felt like I was being taken advantage of. I began to think of trying to find a new job. It would suck because where would I go? Would I find a place that would give me full time hours? Sundays off? I would definitely be bumped down to minimum wage. I however do feel that they do appreciate me as a cashier. Luckily. I now feel like I may be an employee for life though. How can I ever find a new job if it pays less and for less hours I would rather stay. I suppose I could try some schooling for something, but what? Will it be worth it? I guess can find a part time job where I can do something I'm passionate about. Where I can do some work for God and never have to leave my job.

I have been seriously thinking of moving out. I told my mom and sister I would be moving out if they didn't have jobs by March. I may have been bluffing and my mom may have tried calling my bluff. She doesn't have a job yet. The reason I am considering moving out is that I don't want to live at home anymore. I need freedom and independence. My uncle said something like seven days he could have me a house and only 500 dollars mortgage payments per month. I do have two friends who want to move out too so maybe freedom is closer than I thought.

Every time I look at my credit card I want to smack past Amber who made the Dane Cook mistake. I hate debt. How could I have let myself throw away money like that? ugh!!!!!

anyways this was me trying to crack open the twistedness of my head. stay tuned for more craziness

Welcome to my life or lack there of.

I haven't blogged in awhile. guess I got too busy with the good things going on in my life followed by all the stressful things.

I have met the guy of my dreams. So that's the lovely good thing in my life. Work seems to be going good, I'm getting forty hours and I still love everyone I work with. I also decided to start saving for my future by opening an RSP account.

All these great things were followed by the fact that my sister lost her job and I am now the only one supporting my mom, her and myself. Since when was it okay to have your daughter support you? I didn't mind it at first because I assumed it would only be for awhile. That was the case but then my mom lost her job again. I asked my sister to get a job to help out with the bills her reply was, " you didn't have to get a job while you were in school." So I waited. She got a job after school. and everything seemed fine. Now I'm the main supporter of our household. Does this make sense to you. I'm done I think. It's too stressful. I told them to land a job before March or I'm gone. I would feel terrible for leaving them tho. Really, should I have to pay for someone's loan or credit card. Ugh! I feel like my mom has gotten comfortable. She doesn't want a job. The only way to get her out of this faze is to force her. Shake her comfortable world. She use to be this strong woman who could take anything. I need her to be that mother again. I need to feel secure. I don't like this pressure.

I'm 23 I should be out enjoying life.

Meanwhile, I found out I need glasses. That I cannot afford. My eyes keep getting worse too.

because I'm too nice i will stay here let it eat me alive.

Stay tuned....