time to experiment

Lately I have found I don't have enough to do. I use to get off work and be extremely exhausted from the day. Lately I am eager to do things after work. It just seems like my friends are always busy.
I have decided this means I need to find something to do. I don't really have any ideas on what I should do though. I'm thinking maybe a part-time job. It will be a good way to make some extra cash and it'll pass the time. What should I do and where should I go?
It's very interesting trying to find new things to do.
I'm excited!

I feel so alone

                I don't know what to do or say anymore. I feel like I have reverted to the child I once was. 
                As a child I was very scared. I tried to protect myself and my siblings. I had no power to do so, what-so-ever. I hid, I set up traps like the ones Macaulay Culkin's character built in the home alone series to create some kind of security. Oddly I had some strength in me in a situation where I should have crumbled. My sisters and I survived.
                Recently I felt that fear that once haunted my every day growing up. It came on like a bad virus. I can't be alone anymore. I set up traps again so I could sleep at night. I would stay up texting people until I was extremely exhausted because I was scared to let my guard down. 
                I hate this fear, it's looming over me like an umbrella. It stops the raindrops of joy that life has to offer sprinkle it's sweetness over me.  
               I'm tired, not literally but emotionally and mentally. I don't want to fear anymore. I don't want to have to be strong anymore. I want to have someone to protect me. I don't want to feel like it's me against the world anymore. 

Starting with the basics.

I have started a new Devotional book written by Jocye Meyer. It's called "New Day New You" Firstly if you know me you know I hate the color pink for the most part. Since my sister was nice enough to hunt down a devotional book for me I won't make too much off a stink about it.

I have been thinking about my walk with God recently. The road has been a winded and twisty one. I have gone up and down. I became impatient. I want things to happen right now, in my walk with God. I would see people in the place that I wanted to be and wonder why not me? I got bored of waiting. I saw people all around me who seemed happy and I felt nothing. I decided if I wanted to feel love or just to feel anything at all I had to take matters into my own hands. I let myself wander and stopped keeping myselff on the track I wanted to be. I thought that I knew what would bring me happiness. I figured I would fill my time up with things that could maybe one day be... I used everything I could to manipulate things to be the way I wanted them to be, and got nothing.

Now, I just sit here smacking myself on the forehead like the V8 commercials. What was I thinking? How did I cover my own eyes and blind myself from seeing the wrong choices I was making? I know God knows best and has the best plans for my life, but I made my own plans. I have this strong need deep down inside of me to control everything. It's so strong that I rather choose things that harm me than let someone else have control over my life. How twisted is that? The only positive thing I see right now is that I know that my thinking is wrong and that I am trying to turn that way of thinking around.

I am starting at the basics. Day one of this devotional didn't use the good 'ol WWJD question but it spoke to me that way. It was about being Christ like. This doesn't mean we are to be walking on water or dressing like him, but that we are to develop the character of christ. We should be loving people, helping, giving...etc. I am starting there. I am trying to be kind to others; smile, even when I'm not in the mood to, be sweet, even to people who are rude to me....it's a difficult task sometimes but if we can change our reactions to situations we can change other peoples attitudes too.
Day two and three was about giving God your best part. Starting my day talking to him, making trusting him my first priority in life, making choices that will glorify him.

I feel like before, maybe i tried to skip over these things. I wanted a full relationship with God with out taking the babysteps that were needed. I had no foundation for the relationship. so I  am building one now.... hope all goes well.

Still making mistakes, but learning from them.

I watched a porn video today. I felt completely unclean after watching it. It wasn't my intentions to watch porn as I searched the Internet. I was looking for a funny video that my friend had posted online. Once the video popped up I tried to push the temptation away by skipping over to the next page. When I couldn't find the video I was looking for, I went back to it.

I once prayed that God Would help me to hate sexual sin. In my personal opinion sex outside of marriage is sin. I also believe that thinking or imagining sex is a sin. "I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart." Matthew 5:28

A verse that is locked into my memory is "No temptation^[c] has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted^[d] beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted,^[e] he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it." 1 Corinthians 10:13 God gave me several ways out of this situation. I should have ended the video many times.

Why do I give in so easily? I could use the excuse that I am so messed up from my childhood. That's all i would see it as though, an excuse. I hate excuses. People need to own up to their decisions. If I was so corrupted from my past, I would have watched my first pornographic video years ago. I made these choices on my own.

"This is the verdict: Light has come into the world, but people loved darkness instead of light because their deeds were evil. Everyone who does evil hates the light, and will not come into the light for fear that their deeds will be exposed. Whoever lives by the truth comes into the light, so that it may be seen plainly that what they have done has been done in the sight of God." John 3:19-21 I don't want to hide, ever! I don't see the point of keeping my sins secret from anyone. The only one I care about knowing, the one I want to impress and do good things for, He already knows I have sinned.

Not telling people about this sin is me letting myself commit this sin again. I can tell myself that I wont do this again. Lord help me, is what I ask. Unfortunately, I need to see the repercussions of my actions. Think of it like this.... a pup chews your shoe, if you wait ten minutes to scold him he is not going to understand you were trying to correct his shoe munching habits. If you were to teach him immediately, he will have a better chance of learning. I tend to not think of the consequences of my actions until after I have slipped into sin. That is why I need accountability partners. These people can remind me of why It's a sin. They can grab me and give me a good shake if needed. They help me live in the light.

Sometimes I think to myself, God can perform miracles, he can cause me to never make that mistake again, he can break this for me. In deed he can, but Jesus said to the adulteress woman, “Then neither do I condemn you,” Jesus declared. “Go now and leave your life of sin.” John 8:11 We need to put in some work, we can't just wait. The Lord cleansed us of our sins but we have to turn from that sin. Making choices and putting plans into place to prevent ourselves from committing this sin again shows faith and dedication.

I do hate this sin, it makes me feel dirty and unworthy of God's love. I then let the devil feed me off those thoughts. He tells me I am never going to be good enough. He says I will never be free of this sin. He tells me I am disgusting.

I need to remind myself that I am not disgusting. I am human, these desires are natural, God given even. God wants us to enjoy these things. God know the healthiest ways to enjoy these desires. We need to trust that when it is time we will experience these joys and please him at the same time.

Still I pray, Lord help me to hate this sin, take this image out of my head so that it doesn't haunt me or infect my thoughts again. Purify my heart, mind, body and soul. May my mind be filled with thoughts that please you. Lord be my strength when I am tempted. You know what is right, fill my heart with the desire of those things. In Jesus' name, Amen

Sin is like a horrible computer virus, it comes unexpectedly and can take over everything. God is the ultimate anti-virus protection.

All this computer lingo reminds me that I need to find a program that blocks pornographic sites on my computer.

I am stepping out in faith, showing God that I am dedicated. I want to so the work it takes to clean my life of this filth. I believe I will be able to experience the desires of my heart, if I just trust in him. "Trust in the Lord and do good; dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture. Take delight in the LORD, and he will give you the desires of your heart." Psalm 37:3-4

God has planned a perfect time for everything. "There is a time for everything,

and a season for every activity under the heavens: a time to be born and a time to die, a time to plant and a time to uproot, a time to kill and a time to heal, a time to tear down and a time to build, a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance, a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them, a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing, a time to search and a time to give up, a time to keep and a time to throw away, a time to tear and a time to mend, a time to be silent and a time to speak, a time to love and a time to hate, a time for war and a time for peace." Ecclesiastes 3:1-8 I plan on slowing down and being patient. It's going to be a tough road ahead. I can do it. Keep me in your prayers.