Lately I have felt different. I feel like I am wandering through life just to get through it. I am not on fire for the Lord anymore even though I want to be. I have no desire to read the word, I don't get anything out of church services. It's just not the same.
I think that the common denominator or the time frame once when I felt the change has to do with my dad. I can't recall how long ago it was but I had found out that my father was telling people less of the truth of what happened to my sisters and I growing up. I think the reason it affects me so much, Is that it makes me feel unimportant or that The pain that I went through isn't being validated. It hurts me because it makes me feel like he actually has no remorse for what he put us through. So once I heard he was telling people these lies I decided I didn't need to allow him to hurt me anymore. I decided that I didn't owe him anything. I still feel that way but I guess deep down it's eating at me. I don't think it's fair, that he should cause so much pain and I'm still suffering from it.
I have never really understood forgiveness. Well I thought that I had forgiven him a long time ago and let go of all of those things., but I guess I've held onto it. I've held onto the pain, I've held onto terrible memories, I've let it fester in my brain. It's not fair what did I do to deserve this.
I know in the Bible it says that we should forgive others so that God forgive us. I just can't wrap my head around the concept of forgiveness. I mean I could forgive someone if they were sincere about their apology. But if they show no remorse if they belittle your feelings, how? I don't know, it's really difficult for me to understand. I know that they say not forgiving someone does more harm to you than it does them and I believe that I've seen it in my own life. It's not something that I can comprehend. It doesn't make sense for me to forgive someone and have them a lie to people that you love, and then go on allowing them to be a part of your life.
I suppose maybe my father was so high on drugs that he doesn't remember anything that happened when we were children. Not an excuse. We were his children. He was the only father we knew. We were supposed to feel protected and safe but he took that from us and used our trust to manipulate us into his sick twisted plans. That is not the definition of a father. No one should ever take advantage of a child ever. He disgusts me.
Why should I feel guilty for not talking to him, calling him, giving him birthday or Christmas gifts and for ignoring his phone calls. Why do I care. It is not fair that this is tearing me up so much. He doesn't deserve the anger and shouldn't get a rise out of me.
Sadly it is affecting my walk with God. I recently discovered that I didn't feel like I deserve to be loved. That I was not worthy that no one could ever love me and yes that was because of my father. Eventually I was able to see that I was worthy and that there was hope for me for a future and a life, For some reason my lack of forgiveness has me at a stand still when it comes to my walk with the Lord. I can't seem to get past this and don't understand why.
Sometimes I think that writing my father a letter would be healing. I did write them a letter when he was in prison and it was very truthful saying that I was mad at him for what he had done to us and all kinds of things but recently someone told me that he might of not actually got that letter that most of it would've been blacked out by the prison staff. Maybe they had to protect him from committing suicide or something I'm not sure. That really makes me mad, he needed to hear those words. Maybe he didn't need to hear those words but I needed him to. It was all things that I think were valid. So when I think about writing him a letter again I do feel guilty like perhaps maybe if he reads it, he might try to kill himself. Sometimes I think that somebody needs to stop letting him live in this lie.
We can't just pretend it never happened and not talk about it. That's how cycles remain. We have to break the chain.
I'm not sure how I want to end this blog. I'm seriously annoyed and lost. Why can't forgiveness be easy.
