Sometimes I wonder

If you have read any of my blogs before or know me personally, then you know that I was abused as a child. Mostly I don't think about it, mostly it doesn't haunt me. There are times where I think about something and a memory will flashback. It's not a traumatic memory or flashback but just something small and then I get angry.

Today, I have felt a little bit depressed by an unrelated subject and somehow it came back to the same thing. I asked myself, am I depressed because of my childhood? Did he know that what he would do to me would be with me for the rest of my life? Did he even care?

It surprises me how much from my childhood is carried with me. It is intwined into every part of me.  One example is how my family grew up with very little money. For me that meant I never wanted to go without. I've always had a job, I work hard, I try to help others when I can... Those are the positives. The negatives are; I don't like taking a hand up, I can't humble myself to allow others to help even when I need it the most. I let money control my life as I rely on it so heavily. I have a really hard time spending money on myself. I love buying gifts for people maybe even surprising them, but if it's something that I want or need I won't buy it. I wear all of my clothes until they are no good. Currently I'm too big for all of my pants but I see it as wasting money. There is something that I will allow myself to spend money on , and that's food.  It doesn't really matter to me if it's junk food snacks coffee or even just grocery shopping I always buy the best of the best. Somehow I've Justified that I need food and if I feel like splurging and eating a little bit more or snacking on something that's sweet and delicious than I do it. I never restrict myself in that area. Hence why my pants don't fit. It's a vicious cycle.

Does he know that what he did to me has made me so shy, ashamed and embarrassed? Did he intend to steal my self-confidence? He not only took it away but he caused me a physical deformity. I don't know if I've ever had good posture but all those years of hunching over to hide my body has been hard to reverse. When I look at myself in the mirror, I see the Hunchback of Notre Dame.

Did he not know how important it is for a young girl to have a man to look up to? Did he want all men to treat her like dirt? If a girl is not taught how worthy and wonderful she is she will continue to run into the arms of people who hurt her. She will let them trample on her and you use her so that she can feel any sort of something. She will just want to feel any emotion to know that she's alive.

Sometimes I wonder if he knew that his actions would have consequences. Sometimes I wonder if he cared.

It's just another struggle I must overcome

I've been having a rough year. I feel lost. I'm not sure if I know my purpose.

Don't get me wrong, my brain know my purpose on this earth. I've heard it so often in church. The problem is my heart has clogged ears or something. It's almost if it doesn't care what my purpose is, like a teenager tuning out what it doesn't want to hear. Even though I know my purpose is to spread the love of Christ my heart desires more. I feel like I should have a more purposeful career, that I should be a mother and raising happy healthy children.

Perhaps I feel like God can't fulfil my desires because I've become annoyingly good at choosing things over reading my Bible and praying. I have found it so easy to do everything and anything else first. Going to work and going to church and helping out when I can isn't enough. I feel ineffective. 

Mostly I do things to avoid emotions. I keep my mind either extremely busy with work or I distract myself with endless hours of TV or Games on my phone. 

I'm not even sure what emotions I'm suppressing, or where it started. 

Currently I feel extremely depressed. I've gained weight and don't fit any of the clothes I own. If you've ever put on your favourite pair of jeans and realised they were a bit more snug than they normally were, maybe you can relate. It's really a frustrating cycle. I know I am loved by a great and mighty God, (This might be a brain thing and not a heart knowing) and that I should love myself no matter what my appearance, but I can't seem to do that when I feel so uncomfortable.

Weight is my biggest frustration, for as long as I could remember weight didn't bother me. I was happy with who I was even if I gained a few. I cannot pin point when that changed. Perhaps it was when I was rejected by a guy that I liked. The very thought that I put so much worry into what a guy, who probably wasn't worth it anyways, thought about me makes me mad. I hate when young girls say, "I'm fat" It breaks my heart. I felt so shattered when my niece at the age of 9 said to me, "I'm Fat!" When I told her she was not fat that she was a beautiful healthy girl I also asked who told her she was. Her response shocked me. She had said that I did, when I told her I couldn't give her a piggy back ride anymore because she was too big. I meant she was too tall and that I wasn't strong enough. I immediately explained that to her of course. It is frustrating that we live in a society that has made 9 year old kids insecure about their bodies or anyone for that matter. I pray that one day that changes, but I know that is wishful thinking.  

Early this morning I was awoken by another nightmare, I don't remember my dreams often but I hate them when I do. It sucks that such painful memories can haunt and have such a hold on me. It makes me frustrated that my sisters and I were stuck in that nightmare of a reality. It also makes it extremely difficult to forgive and let go. My nightmares are all along the same theme though. Being fooled into trusting and then finding out he hurt my sisters again. It feels like a never ending cycle. I just want to run far from all of these emotions. 

Being and feeling depressed is odd to me. It's at times I feel fine, and others I feel sad. I now find myself thinking of ways to be more alone. I occasionally will not go out and do things that take effort. It's not always like that. I try reaching out to old friends to see if they are available but nothing seems to work out. Eventually I give up. I always put so much effort into friendships, yet they never contact me. I wonder if that means I'm a terrible person and people don't want to be around that. That's why I find it easier to be alone. I only have to be around me then.  When I'm alone, I like me. Other times when I'm alone I feel very alone.

All these things frustrate me. Why can't I be okay with being alone? Why do I desire friendships? Can't I be satisfied with just me? I do understand that people get busy with their own lives and friendships end. It just sucks. 

It's just another struggle I must overcome.

Someone dear to me posted something on social media about fake photos and only showing the happy moments in life. I thought it was about time for some raw truth.

Smiles are nice but mine is hiding my pain.