Sometimes I wonder

If you have read any of my blogs before or know me personally, then you know that I was abused as a child. Mostly I don't think about it, mostly it doesn't haunt me. There are times where I think about something and a memory will flashback. It's not a traumatic memory or flashback but just something small and then I get angry.

Today, I have felt a little bit depressed by an unrelated subject and somehow it came back to the same thing. I asked myself, am I depressed because of my childhood? Did he know that what he would do to me would be with me for the rest of my life? Did he even care?

It surprises me how much from my childhood is carried with me. It is intwined into every part of me.  One example is how my family grew up with very little money. For me that meant I never wanted to go without. I've always had a job, I work hard, I try to help others when I can... Those are the positives. The negatives are; I don't like taking a hand up, I can't humble myself to allow others to help even when I need it the most. I let money control my life as I rely on it so heavily. I have a really hard time spending money on myself. I love buying gifts for people maybe even surprising them, but if it's something that I want or need I won't buy it. I wear all of my clothes until they are no good. Currently I'm too big for all of my pants but I see it as wasting money. There is something that I will allow myself to spend money on , and that's food.  It doesn't really matter to me if it's junk food snacks coffee or even just grocery shopping I always buy the best of the best. Somehow I've Justified that I need food and if I feel like splurging and eating a little bit more or snacking on something that's sweet and delicious than I do it. I never restrict myself in that area. Hence why my pants don't fit. It's a vicious cycle.

Does he know that what he did to me has made me so shy, ashamed and embarrassed? Did he intend to steal my self-confidence? He not only took it away but he caused me a physical deformity. I don't know if I've ever had good posture but all those years of hunching over to hide my body has been hard to reverse. When I look at myself in the mirror, I see the Hunchback of Notre Dame.

Did he not know how important it is for a young girl to have a man to look up to? Did he want all men to treat her like dirt? If a girl is not taught how worthy and wonderful she is she will continue to run into the arms of people who hurt her. She will let them trample on her and you use her so that she can feel any sort of something. She will just want to feel any emotion to know that she's alive.

Sometimes I wonder if he knew that his actions would have consequences. Sometimes I wonder if he cared.