This is me.

Still making mistakes, but learning from them.

2012-02-13T17:58:00.000-08:00

I watched a porn video today. I felt completely unclean after watching it. It wasn't my intentions to watch porn as I searched the Internet. I was looking for a funny video that my friend had posted online. Once the video popped up I tried to push the temptation away by skipping over to the next page. When I couldn't find the video I was looking for, I went back to it.

I once prayed that God Would help me to hate sexual sin. In my personal opinion sex outside of marriage is sin. I also believe that thinking or imagining sex is a sin. "I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart." Matthew 5:28

A verse that is locked into my memory is "No temptation^[c] has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted^[d] beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted,^[e] he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it." 1 Corinthians 10:13 God gave me several ways out of this situation. I should have ended the video many times.

Why do I give in so easily? I could use the excuse that I am so messed up from my childhood. That's all i would see it as though, an excuse. I hate excuses. People need to own up to their decisions. If I was so corrupted from my past, I would have watched my first pornographic video years ago. I made these choices on my own.

"This is the verdict: Light has come into the world, but people loved darkness instead of light because their deeds were evil. Everyone who does evil hates the light, and will not come into the light for fear that their deeds will be exposed. Whoever lives by the truth comes into the light, so that it may be seen plainly that what they have done has been done in the sight of God." John 3:19-21 I don't want to hide, ever! I don't see the point of keeping my sins secret from anyone. The only one I care about knowing, the one I want to impress and do good things for, He already knows I have sinned.

Not telling people about this sin is me letting myself commit this sin again. I can tell myself that I wont do this again. Lord help me, is what I ask. Unfortunately, I need to see the repercussions of my actions. Think of it like this.... a pup chews your shoe, if you wait ten minutes to scold him he is not going to understand you were trying to correct his shoe munching habits. If you were to teach him immediately, he will have a better chance of learning. I tend to not think of the consequences of my actions until after I have slipped into sin. That is why I need accountability partners. These people can remind me of why It's a sin. They can grab me and give me a good shake if needed. They help me live in the light.

Sometimes I think to myself, God can perform miracles, he can cause me to never make that mistake again, he can break this for me. In deed he can, but Jesus said to the adulteress woman, “Then neither do I condemn you,” Jesus declared. “Go now and leave your life of sin.” John 8:11 We need to put in some work, we can't just wait. The Lord cleansed us of our sins but we have to turn from that sin. Making choices and putting plans into place to prevent ourselves from committing this sin again shows faith and dedication.

I do hate this sin, it makes me feel dirty and unworthy of God's love. I then let the devil feed me off those thoughts. He tells me I am never going to be good enough. He says I will never be free of this sin. He tells me I am disgusting.

I need to remind myself that I am not disgusting. I am human, these desires are natural, God given even. God wants us to enjoy these things. God know the healthiest ways to enjoy these desires. We need to trust that when it is time we will experience these joys and please him at the same time.

Still I pray, Lord help me to hate this sin, take this image out of my head so that it doesn't haunt me or infect my thoughts again. Purify my heart, mind, body and soul. May my mind be filled with thoughts that please you. Lord be my strength when I am tempted. You know what is right, fill my heart with the desire of those things. In Jesus' name, Amen

Sin is like a horrible computer virus, it comes unexpectedly and can take over everything. God is the ultimate anti-virus protection.

All this computer lingo reminds me that I need to find a program that blocks pornographic sites on my computer.

I am stepping out in faith, showing God that I am dedicated. I want to so the work it takes to clean my life of this filth. I believe I will be able to experience the desires of my heart, if I just trust in him. "Trust in the Lord and do good; dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture. Take delight in the LORD, and he will give you the desires of your heart." Psalm 37:3-4

God has planned a perfect time for everything. "There is a time for everything,

and a season for every activity under the heavens: a time to be born and a time to die, a time to plant and a time to uproot, a time to kill and a time to heal, a time to tear down and a time to build, a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance, a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them, a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing, a time to search and a time to give up, a time to keep and a time to throw away, a time to tear and a time to mend, a time to be silent and a time to speak, a time to love and a time to hate, a time for war and a time for peace." Ecclesiastes 3:1-8 I plan on slowing down and being patient. It's going to be a tough road ahead. I can do it. Keep me in your prayers.

You Are Not Alone

2011-10-01T07:52:00.000-07:00

Psalm 23:4 "Even when I walk through the dark valley of death, I will not be afraid, for you are close beside me." NLT

If we know that he is beside us, why do we feel alone?
We as a people have alienated ourselves. We can stay connected with others from the comfort of our own homes. Texting, Facebook and other social networking sites have made saying hello a whole lot easier, but are we really connecting?

The best way to connect to someone is face to face followed by Skype, calling someone, text and lastly Facebook and other social networks.

Personally I know that I don't tell everybody everything over text. Why would I broadcast my struggles with sin over Twitter for the whole world to know? When people ask how you are doing over text the easy quick answer is good. Is this connecting? I have had text conversations about what I should eat with people. There's no depth to that. If Facebook and text are the most disconnected forms of communication, why is it our first choice in communication? We aren't being honest with ourselves, others or God when we alienate ourselves like that.

What can we do to change this?
Ecclesiastes 4:9-12 "Two people can accomplish more than twice as much as one; they get a better return for their labor. If one falls the other can reach out and help, but people who are alone when they fall are in real trouble. Two under the same blanket can gain warmth from each other but how can one get warm alone? A person standing alone can be attacked and defeated, but two can stand back-to-back and conquer. Three are even better, for a triple braided cord is not easily broken." NLT

We need to start really connecting. Find a group of people you can trust. Don't hold back. They have your back. They care about you. They are people going through some of the same struggles you are. When we alienate ourselves we trick ourselves into thinking that we are the only ones with this problem. You also need to be someone who is trustworthy. It's not gossip hour, gossip is very uncool. Just be a friend and listen.

Jesus is the third person in the braided cord. He needs to be the center of these groups, in any relationship. He will bind us together. He will give you words of encouragement for your friend. He will give you answers to your problems using these people and through his word. We need to dig into his word and go deeper. The Bible has the answers to life; we just have to find them. The Lord will also speak to you, we just need to spend time in prayer, and listen for him.

We can do this thing called life. We just can't do it alone. So get to know God, with some Christian friends as your support system.

Everyday I get deeper in confusion

2011-05-04T18:36:00.000-07:00

I don't know what I want. My problem is I crush really hard. It seems that every guy I like doesn't want a relationship, or doesn't want to date me. I like the fun flirtatiousness and everything that leads to, but I know that this will only set me up for heartache. I keep giving my whole self in these situations. I don't know why I cling to it. Is it because I like being told I'm beautiful? I know I'm attractive. What is it about hearing it from someone else? I keep changing my mind. Saying I want these things and then I say that I don't. These guys... some of them are amazing and so understanding. Frustrates me even more that they don't want to date me. Some guys are nice guys, but will try tempting me. Frustrates me that they don't respect me but it's attention. I like not feeling invisible. I really don't know what I want. I want to have fun, I feel like at the end of the day I will just be alone. I just don't get it. I'm told I'm pretty and funny and that any guy would be lucky to have me. None of these guys want to be that lucky guy. Are they lying to me? Am I repulsive? I am happy being single. I just would feel better about the choices I was making if I knew these people actually cared about me.

to top it off i have this battle going on. I know I shouldn't be making these choices. I keep doing so. Then i try not to but then I fall again. Wish I knew what I wanted

Life, how I love mine.

2011-03-05T10:04:00.000-08:00

I went on a missions trip to Dominican at the beginning of February. It was something out of character for me. I have a comfort zone. I don't leave that comfort zone. I'm comfortable there.

When the thought of going first entered my mind I felt I needed to be broken to the things of this world. I like the nice things that I have and I like buying new nice things. I have become very materialistic.

Weeks before my trip I was questioning why I had decided to go. Was it because I wanted to escape the brutal Winnipeg winters? Hey, you can't blame me. I did find myself trying to think of reasons why I couldn't go. I felt that I didn't have anything to offer to these people. I couldn't teach a Sunday school class. I don't know the bible stories. I can't sing or play an instrument. I felt like sending a more rounded person was a better option. However, I did spend so much money on this trip already. Growing up my family didn't have much money, so I do not waste it now. So I went, not knowing what to expect. Not knowing what I had to offer.

I had only been on a small plane once when we flew over Swan Valley. I was nervous about this new experience. At first everything was okay, but then I looked out the window. Was I an idiot? I hate heights, I almost get sick on Ferris Wheels. Luckily the Dickison's had something that would help me sleep. I got a few hours of sleep in. Which was great because I was up pretty late bbming and woke up at 3:30am that morning.

That brings me to one of my favorite people. Alex!!!! I love him. he drove me and his parents to the Airport. So nice of him to wake up so early. Ya right, he did it so he could have the car. We had a great time at the airport just saying extremely random things. He and I need to hangout more on lack of sleep days.

When we landed I wanted to die the heat was so intense. I love warm weather but I get very nauseous in intense temperatures. We got to the hotel and signed up for our rooms. The lady at the desk thought that I was Sherrell and Terry's daughter, and Ashley's sister. We got settled in and met for supper. I'm not sure why Pastor Grant had to go to the front desk but he returned to our table and told us that Pastor Christian was waiting for us. They had already started church and were waiting for us.

I had never been to a church like this. I have attended quiet churches, where you sing hymns from the hymn book and you all say the Lord's prayer every service, and I have been to the new age ones where all you sing is Christian Rock or Hillsong. Our church is in between, we sing up beat songs and some of the lovely oldies, and our Pastors tell jokes in Sermons, we have skits and many more fun things like this. The worship at this Service was amazing. They all had an intense love for God. Their music was 2 beats faster than ours. My wrist got so sore form clapping. You couldn't help but clap along and get excited about the Lord, even when you didn't have a clue what they were singing about. Everyone was so happy to have us there. They barely knew us and loved us immediately. That is what Christianity is suppose to be like.

The next day we went to schools. The kids were so amazing. They ran up to us with drawings and cards, with their names on them. We took a couple Polaroid cameras and were able to give each kid a picture of themselves, they loved this. It did distract kids for the lessons being taught though. Ashley had got some tooth brushes Donated and was able to give them out. lots of kids came back for seconds even though we told them only one. It was so cute to see how happy they were. Later we went to another school and we did crafts with the children. Carol and Sherrell had prepared a puppet show for the children in Spanish, they loved it. There were a few kids who were not in school who came to watch from the windows. We gave them toothbrushes as well. Paul and Jodi even brought them out some crafts.

We had another night Service to attend. This one was even more different than any I had experienced. It was in the middle of the street. This was the Ghetto as they called it. If I had been there by myself at this hour I would have been really scared, but we had all these wonderful Christians around us. It also helped that one of the Church members was an ex drug lord so people knew not to mess with him. The Church had brought out their instruments, speakers and microphones. Motorcyclist would wheel their bikes around us to get through. People stood on their doorsteps and on the roofs to listen. There was even a Rottweiler on the roof behind the band going crazy. We sang two songs that were translated and written down phonetically so that we wouldn't sound too horrible. It even started to rain a bit but the band kept playing, The keyboardist put something over the keys and tried to keep playing Sherrell lifted it slightly so he could see the keys.

wow i forgot about this blog. i will post it cuz there are fun stories but if you need to know more just ask

My Struggles

2010-11-09T20:06:00.000-08:00

Lately I have been falling. I wish that I could say it was in love or even on my face, but it has been into sin. It is exactly like the Casting Crowns song "Slow Fade." Slowly I did one tiny thing I wasn't suppose to and then it got worse and all of a sudden I made a huge mistake. The devil was able to trick me. Which is no surprise, he has been Satan for many years, so he has a lot of practice. Why would I be astounded at the thought of the devil tempting me when in Matthew 4 he attempted to lure Jesus away from making the right choice.

One Compromise led to another and I found myself lost... in a place I told myself I was never going to go. It happened so gradually I was able to justify every small sin along the way. Suddenly, I kept running away from everything that pointed me in the right direction. I would hear this song come on my playlist, and think stop fading. The lyrics rang in my head... "It's a slow fade, when you give yourself away." Yet I continued to give into the temptations.

1 Corinthians 10:13 It says that when tempted God will provide a way out so that you can stand under it. I believe this with every fiber of my being. I have seen the way out far too many times. Regretfully, I have always looked away or found a way around it, so that I could continue sinning.

Sin was starting to take over every area of my life. I found it hard to worship in church services, I stopped praying and reading my bible. I knew what I was doing was wrong, and didn't need the reminder. I didn't plan on stopping. I didn't want to make these terrible choices, but I knew I was going to. I couldn't ask the Lord to forgive my sins, when I knew later that afternoon I was going to commit them again. I didn't want to be the kitchen counter that begged to be cleaned, when I knew I was going to have some fine Chicken over later, to muck me up.

I started going to the wrong people for advice, knowing they wouldn't tell me to stop. In fact they encouraged me to continue, and even go further. I was letting the things around me, the things of this world, infect my everything. I wasn't being careful in what I saw, heard or where I let my feet lead me. I was trying to get as close to the edge as I could, but I fell off the cliff and into the jagged rocks that sin is.

I went to a Seventh Day Slumber concert this past weekend. My eyes were opened finally to my mistakes. I had a good cry. I was reminded of who I am and who I want to be. I want to be a strong Christian woman. I love reading my Bible. I love praising the Lord. I love going to church. Living this life of sin was getting in the way of things I loved. I was allowing this sin to drive a wedge between myself and God. I know that I will sin again. I am human and it doesn't mean that just because I am Christian that I am sinless. Only Jesus was and he will be the only one who will ever be completely pure.

I am so glad that I have a graceful God, who forgives. I am forgiven. He has forgotten my sin and I am free to live a new life. I just need to forgive myself and let go of the sin. I don't think this will be an easy road, I know it won't be. I will have to have some accountability partners, wise people who will remind me of who I am. I will have to fill my mind with things of God, rather than all the filth that is out there.

I want my own Jesus. I will not stop fighting until I have a personal relationship with him. I need to be persistent. I don't want to backslide. Pray for me....

I'm a home owner.

2010-06-30T19:46:00.000-07:00

I did it, I bought a house. I am a home owner at 23. I think that's bizarre. I'm loving every minute of it. I come home from work to find mail in my mail box addressed to me. I even love having to wash my own floors. Andrea can tell you that they get insanely dirty, we had to get on our hands and knees once already. I have a roommate, we get along well. We even eat the same foods. I'm lucky she decided to move in with me. She started this prayer wall thing, it's a lovely idea. I love that I can have a good Christian friend close by. Thank the lord. I wanted to post pictures but I think I left the cord for my camera at my moms house. I will jump on that asap. I am Lucky that everything fell together so well. I was able to find this cute little house and buy it within less than a month. Pierre and Lisa did great work. They had many bumps in the road but they got it done.

The first night I slept in my house I woke up feeling so refreshed. I had this great sense of peace. God has really blessed me.

Wow It seems I forgot about my blog. I have been up to a lot since I bought my house. I have bought a new washer and dryer, they look pretty and work so much better than my old ones. My roommate and I installed them ourselves. Who needs a man? LOL j/k we had help from Alex and Sarah, for the heavy lifting and some taping. I also installed some drain pipes for my rain gutters. Luckily my dad helped, but this time I did some of the work. I am very skilled at getting out of doing work. It's a skill I have perfected over many years. :P

I built a pantry, okay Sarah and Benji helped... Getting this pantry was nearly impossible! I saw it online when I first moved in to my house, and thought it would be perfect for our towels. It was measured to be just the right size for a certain spot. I finally had some money to go and get it so Paul drove me to Jysk and it was not in stock! Paul had a bright Idea to have them call when they got one in, and when he let me know they had it I had no money so I waited. Finally pay day arrived... I began calling locations to be sure they had the KARL 1 DOOR PANTRY. Two locations were out of stock, I was on hold at the third location for almost 5 minutes, just as I was ready to hang up, I was happy to hear they did have some in stock. Guess what! It ended up being 20% off! How much more perfectly planned could that have been?!

It has been getting chilly, I suppose it makes sense seeing as it's October. I had to turn the heat on a few times already. On one of these days I had to grab something from my basement and I found out that it was really hot down there. I had to shut the vent a bit more down there and open the valves of a few vents. Jacey was telling Chrissy and I about how he put plastic on his windows, how it saves him a bunch of money on bills. I really need to get on that train. This might be another fun project, blow dryer and double sided tape, sounds like a party. LOL

I have started a VLOG! I have only made 3 so far, kind of took a break from my computer days. I guess my blackberry is to blame for that! I just tweet and facebook from there. I will try harder to keep up with this stuff. I Love this kind of thing. That's All I can think of to say right now. GOOD NIGHT

I don't like this feeling...

2010-05-10T16:01:00.000-07:00

My stomach is all twisted and I wanna vomit. I didn't know someone could make me feel like this.

I hate feeling bad about myself. Was I not pretty enough? Smart enough? Fun enough? Was I too mean? Not tall enough? Young enough? Did I smell?

I really don't get it. I think I hate him. I don't want to, but he really screwed with my emotions. Kept telling me we couldn't date, cuz he wasn't ready that he had a day picked out. Well he sucks!!!!!!! Now he's already gone on dates with this new girl and it's only been a month and he's "in a relationship". I must be completely unattractive and when he showed interest in me he must have been just settling.

I regret ever giving him a piece of my heart. He didn't deserve any of the feelings I had for him. I wish I could go back in time and erase the moment I told him I liked him.

I'm glad I could keep him entertained until something better came around.

What I hate most of all is that I don't like these thoughts I'm having. I still like him. I still think he's a great guy. I still want him to be happy and blessed.

Apparently It's been two months since he's had feelings for me. I'm offended by that. We had a pretty interesting conversation on easter. Glad I was so easy to forget.

I was the best thing for him. I didn't wanna take anything from him. I only wanted to be there for him. He just wouldn't talk to me about the things he was going through. Apparently I wasn't good enough of a shoulder to cry on.

I hate that I just keep feeling worse about myself. I hate that someone could do this to me. I think being single is the only way to live. Then only you can disappoint yourself.

2010-04-20T18:25:00.000-07:00

I want to be this complete and utterly strong woman. I may seem like this type of person, but that's just because that's what I want you to see. Only people really close to me know how tiny and weak I feel. Recently it has gotten worse. I didn't know how much I wanted and needed someone to rely on until they were gone.

I have heard people tell me I am strong and kind, for being so young and supporting my mom. I am weak, and the only reason I am able to wake up every morning is because I have God on my side. He is the firm rock beneath my feet. I would much rather crawl back under the covers than go to a job to make money and to watch it disappear.

I finally decided to do something for myself. I am buying a house and moving out. I believe it's a wise choice. How can I really be sure though? Is this the road I am suppose to be headed down? I like the thought of not having my mom call me at 11:50 to see if I needed to be picked up because it's late. I LOVE the thought of not having my sister come home after I have fallen asleep only to have loud conversations and wake me up. It's scary though, owning my own house so much responsibility. I will be alone, I will come home to no one.

I have a terrible addiction

2010-04-06T19:16:00.000-07:00

Recently I have fallen back to my old ways. I had tried to give up this habit a few times. I had cut down for awhile there but it has gotten bad again. This one addiction doesn't go along with my love affair very well. I need to work harder on new habits if this one intensifies any, or even remains at this level. It isn't really that harmful, but it, isn't the best thing for me.

I could be doing more important things with my time like, reading the bible, praying, hanging out with friends, blogging. I could be trying to learn a language. Note to self: learn Spanish or French and Sign language. I could improve my cooking skills or start writing again, or drawing. I use to love these things. This addiction is sucking the fun and life out of me.

My addiction is Television. I could sit there for hours and just watch Television. This new creation called the pvr is going to ruin me. My other two loves in life are food and sleep. I have found since I have gotten this new pvr, I do a lot of sleeping and I continue to eat the same as before but, I skip the gym.

I am lazy!

How can this be? How could things have changed so quickly? I remember telling Alex that I couldn't sit around watching television that I needed to be with people because it was boring and I got anxious. I now record lots of tv shows and just come home to watch them.

I record Friends, Scrubs, Grey's Anatomy, Ten things i hate about you, veronica mars, the big bang theory, seinfeld, criminal minds, how I met your mother, and many more that are just mind numbing shows.

I need to cut back on this addiction or I will become this sloth like character.

I feel so vain right now!!!!!

2010-03-19T20:46:00.000-07:00

First of all I have this lovely friend who needs a kidney and of course I told her I would donate mine. I'm praying to God were a match. I am not just making an impulsive decision. I want to donate my organs when I die and I don't see the difference of donating one now if it's something I don't need. I have been asking people about it and I want to pray about it until I am sure that it's what God wants and not just my hearts desire. I think it's what God wants. I really want to donate my kidney to her.

I finally got a hold of someone to set up an appointment for me. I had to fax her my blood donor card and she said she would send me a letter with the date of my appointment soon. It will be for the last weekend of April. Then I will be asked more heath questions. She asked me a bunch of medical questions today, things like; Do you have a family history of diabetes?, Have you been sexually active?, Have you ever had kidney cancer?, Do you drink?, smoke? When I said no to all these and others she tells me I sound pretty healthy. I was like I'm glad you think so. Does she really think if I was unhealthy I would be trying to donate my kidney?

Anyways I was researching kidney donations today and saw a picture of where the incision was made and it was a curved arc on the left side of the lower abdomen. I cringed at the thought of having my tattoo sliced open. I know I recently said that I don't like tattoos and don't think I should have gotten one. I don't think there is any good reason to get a tattoo. So don't do it!!! I know you think this makes me a hypocrite but it doesn't I got one without really thinking about it and if I could go back in time I would. My reasoning, now that I reflect upon it was pretty dumb. I may or may not have told you why I got my tattoo. It's a cement cross by the way with a thorn crown above it. I wanted my tattoo as a purity ring, to remind myself that I am saving myself for marriage. Which I am. So, I'm against getting tattoos. I will have mine removed, nor do I hate it. I think it's tasteful. Anyways back to the kidney, I don't wanna slice my tattoo open and have a broken cross on my body, that would look bad! LOL

Who's to say it will be my right kidney that they will take anyways. Luckily I did read something else that is said they go through the back to remove kidneys' I'm down with that. Let's hope that's the case.

My other fer is going through all this testing and finding out I am not a healthy candidate. I guess it's better to know that there is something wrong so we can tackle it before it's too late but it's still a scary thought. One thing that I don't like is that the healing time is so long, six to eight weeks. My sister and I can barely afford the bills on both our incomes. I suppose I should trust that God will provide. Plus my job isn't that strenuous, I'm sure I can go back a bit sooner.

I will you keep you posted. Let me know if you think it's vain if I tell the doctors I will do anything to not have them mess up my tattoo.

Trying to understand my own thoughts

2010-02-27T15:41:00.000-08:00

This has been an interesting week.

I have felt so many emotions in such a short period of time. Utter happiness to ultimate hurt, followed by anger and confusion, followed by grief and hurt then appreciation.

I felt so much love early this week. Then I went into shock as my heart was ripped out. I am no longer angry. Just hurt why can't I just have ultimate happiness for a change? None of these downer moments.

I hate being torn, I want this, I can't have it, feelings don't go away. I can't seem to let go. I'm not sure if I want to, but I feel like second chances shouldn't be available. Hurt me once, shame on you, twice, shame on me. I suppose if it's God's will it will happen, I will open my heart again. Maybe third times the charm.

I'm frustrated that God has all these plans for me and I'm not aloud to know what they are. I need to stop needing control. I am becoming self righteous and that just isn't right. He is the only righteous one. I am very good at manipulating things with my words to make them my way. I don't want this ability anymore. I do not want to become proud. I have to stop and ask for guidance. Let him take control for he is the reason I have everything. It's better to have the things he wants for me and the only way I can get those things is if I listen to him.

I can't have a real relationship with God if I keep this wall of protection up. If I don't let him in I will fall hard when there is a problem I can't fix. If I don't ask for his help with the small things I will never be able to get help with the big things because I will try to fix it and make it into a even bigger mess.

I need to remember that I am righteous. By the grace of God. I am free of sin. I don't have to listen to the devil anymore. He can tell me I am a sinner and that going to church makes me a hypocrite, but Jesus died for the sins I have committed and the ones I will commit. So yes, I'm human and I sin. God has forgiven me and as a thanks all I can do is live my life for him.

I like my job and I thought for a moment that I would try to find a new job if I felt like I was being taken advantage of. I began to think of trying to find a new job. It would suck because where would I go? Would I find a place that would give me full time hours? Sundays off? I would definitely be bumped down to minimum wage. I however do feel that they do appreciate me as a cashier. Luckily. I now feel like I may be an employee for life though. How can I ever find a new job if it pays less and for less hours I would rather stay. I suppose I could try some schooling for something, but what? Will it be worth it? I guess can find a part time job where I can do something I'm passionate about. Where I can do some work for God and never have to leave my job.

I have been seriously thinking of moving out. I told my mom and sister I would be moving out if they didn't have jobs by March. I may have been bluffing and my mom may have tried calling my bluff. She doesn't have a job yet. The reason I am considering moving out is that I don't want to live at home anymore. I need freedom and independence. My uncle said something like seven days he could have me a house and only 500 dollars mortgage payments per month. I do have two friends who want to move out too so maybe freedom is closer than I thought.

Every time I look at my credit card I want to smack past Amber who made the Dane Cook mistake. I hate debt. How could I have let myself throw away money like that? ugh!!!!!

anyways this was me trying to crack open the twistedness of my head. stay tuned for more craziness

Welcome to my life or lack there of.

2010-02-08T14:55:00.000-08:00

I haven't blogged in awhile. guess I got too busy with the good things going on in my life followed by all the stressful things.

I have met the guy of my dreams. So that's the lovely good thing in my life. Work seems to be going good, I'm getting forty hours and I still love everyone I work with. I also decided to start saving for my future by opening an RSP account.

All these great things were followed by the fact that my sister lost her job and I am now the only one supporting my mom, her and myself. Since when was it okay to have your daughter support you? I didn't mind it at first because I assumed it would only be for awhile. That was the case but then my mom lost her job again. I asked my sister to get a job to help out with the bills her reply was, " you didn't have to get a job while you were in school." So I waited. She got a job after school. and everything seemed fine. Now I'm the main supporter of our household. Does this make sense to you. I'm done I think. It's too stressful. I told them to land a job before March or I'm gone. I would feel terrible for leaving them tho. Really, should I have to pay for someone's loan or credit card. Ugh! I feel like my mom has gotten comfortable. She doesn't want a job. The only way to get her out of this faze is to force her. Shake her comfortable world. She use to be this strong woman who could take anything. I need her to be that mother again. I need to feel secure. I don't like this pressure.

I'm 23 I should be out enjoying life.

Meanwhile, I found out I need glasses. That I cannot afford. My eyes keep getting worse too.

because I'm too nice i will stay here let it eat me alive.

Stay tuned....

That really Curdles My Cream!

2010-01-07T16:50:00.000-08:00

So, Alex came into my work today to get a toque. Why is it that on a day when I basically roll out of bed and pull my hair back he has to come into my work. That really Curdles My Cream. Even more so is the fact that I tell this to Benji and Neil and they say who cares! just be happy he came to see you. And, Guys don't even notice. WHAT?! I put effort into looking nice for a guy and he doesn't even notice? I like dressing nicely for him and looking hot. Never again will I wear a dress and heels so my legs look sexy. I told Neil the one time I wouldn't wear makeup would be the one day he would say are you feeling okay you look like death. lol

I wanna move some place warm I hate the cold. maybe I'm a bit of a baby but I like warm weather. Taking off layers is easy but putting them on not so much. I was wearing five shirts today then I bought some gloves to work in. I think I'll have to wear some leggings tomorrow.

Well i gotta go not much to talk about. Now you know what Curdles my Cream. I love that Jacey came up with that saying. :)

Night!

I'm just a teddy bear.

2009-11-26T19:47:00.000-08:00

So, Recently I have learned a lot about myself. I am more needy than I thought. I want to be in a relationship so badly. There goes the Mrs. Independent front I had up. I'm just a girl, who wants to be cared for. I tell people I hate hugs but I secretly I can't wait to cuddle up to the perfect man. I'm a teddy bear on the inside. I set up this wall to protect myself from some of the evil I have encountered in the past. I wish I could just learn to let God take care if everything. How do you teach yourself to do that? I really like control. I am taking control of this now. I will give it all to God and be filled with the holy ghost, soon. No more being lazy. Gotta, read my Bible pray every day...lol He is the true secret to happiness.

I have never known so much Happiness before in my life. I have to thank the Lord and live everyday for him so that I can keep this joy.

more another time.

ARG!

2009-11-20T12:06:00.000-08:00

So, why do people take advantage of me? I try to be nice and do things for people and then in spite of my niceness they ask for more. Even when they see me in a sticky situation and I offer free tickets to them, they want more. Can't they see that I am not made of money, that Dane cost me a fortune? Why would you ask for a free ticket for someone else. Stop being a mooch and grow up! I do appreciate the people who understand these things and are actually grateful I gave them the tickets and even tried to sell some for me. Why can't there be more people like them?

I have tons of great people around me though. I'm so proud of them. Chrissy for becoming a Paramedic. Andrea working with kids and helping out the autistic boy. I know so many awesome people that work with kids and people struggling with disabilities. Jaclyn, Benji, Alex, Marie, Katherine, Tessa. Keep up the good work. Kids need good influences, and I'm glad these are the people who have decided to make a difference in the world.

So, I think I want to work at Sport Chek for a really long time. I'm not sure if it's because it's comfortable for me, or if I think I can go far there. I love the people I work with. I find myself wanting to be the boss. Not the manager, but when I see employees standing around for too long when there is something more productive they could be doing I get frustrated. I find the urge to find a task for them and tell them to do it. I desire for our store to run successfully, and I think we need to work as a team for that to happen. I hate when I see someone wasting time. It drives me insane when people think they get paid to stand around. I've had employees say their job is so easy. If they were the people who I knew were hard workers this sentence wouldn't bug me so much, but they aren't. There is always something to be done. I'm not trying to sound like the man whipping his horse to get him to move. I believe work is a place to have fun but I think you should finish your tasks as well. So you make it a game to see who can answer the phone and have a chuckle over that, but you get back to work. Standing around and having 20 minute conversations is not necessary, task while talking. I think that I want to a have a more important position at Sport Chek because It annoys me to see customers who have not been helped when the employee is off tasking. I am not sure how I could change things. Maybe since I'm on the floor always I know what each employee needs to work on. Don't get me wrong we have tons of people who are awesome at their jobs. And I'm not saying that I'm the best employee I sometimes stop and talk I realize these moments and then I feel guilty and try to find something to do. I'm tired of people thinking being a cashier would be a breeze. Maybe I'm biased but we have a tough job. We deal with all the difficult customers. Say each sales associate has one dumb customer, that makes three for us. We have to remember numbers and which customer an SA called up to say is theirs. We clean, hang clothes, grab fitting rooms and even sometimes sell to customers. Don''t think we have it easy. We work hard and are under paid!!!!!!!

well i gotta shower and get ready good night!

I'm a little less crazy.

2009-10-26T13:51:00.000-07:00

I was reading some of my old notes from High School and Facebook. Wow was I obsessive. I would talk about how I would make myself noticeable to my crushes by finding out their classes and walking by. I went out of my way to do my hair for them and choose the cutest outfits. I’m really glad I have decided I don’t care about men anymore. I’m dressing for myself and doing everything for myself. It’s a better more healthy way to live. Someday I will meet the man God has hand picked out for me. Since he’s already been chosen there is no need for me to search for him. This new outlook has made it way easier to be friendlier with guys. I now can smile and chat with hot guys without getting all flustered. I am a confident and strong girl now. I also find myself attracted to all types of guys since my I don’t care attitude. I’m more about the personality. Which is great because I hated how Judgemental I was becoming.

I am now on a new quest in life. I want to find out what I want to be in life or rather what God wants me to be. How can I make a difference in the world? I went out for supper with some great people awhile back. One was a teachers assistant and one who worked at the boys and girls club, one a future teacher, the other who works for Manitoba’s Youth in Care Network. They all are doing great things in this world.

I’m also going to live vicariously through others. I want to become a cop but cannot because of my neck injury. I know a couple people who are on that path and I will mooch off their interesting lives. I had a love for cooking but lost interest in that. Someday I will have my dream home with a huge kitchen and large dining room to have the whole family over for Christmas. We will all cook together and not get in each others way. Dishes will be a breeze once I have a giant dishwasher like in restaurants that you rinse and push through the washer and they come out steaming hot and clean. Maybe a walk-in Fridge? L.O.L. doubt it. I will still get to cook so that dream is not lost. I was thinking about the brief love affair I had with drawing. I wasn’t the best artist but I enjoyed drawing. I’m sure if I took courses I could improve my skills. It’s hard for me to sit and draw these days I feel like there are more important things to do. Drawing just takes so much time, I’m not a speed artist. I’m lucky I know a really talented artist. I can look at his art and hear about the class. I love looking at art and hearing the theme and analyzing how they came up with the picture. I love really good art. Stuff that makes you think. I love photography that is the type of artist I want to be. I want to take a really good picture that conveys an awesome message. If only I had an interesting mind and could be that creative. I enjoy singing but I miss a lot of notes and sound like a dying canary.

So, what will I be if those are all the dreams I cannot do? How do I go about finding this amazing course I’m suppose to take without wasting money? When will I discover this amazing thing I will do to change the world? Sport Chek cannot be the answer, how can I affect peoples lives there?

A Bit Of Everything.

2009-09-29T20:59:00.000-07:00

So, I haven't blogged in a while. But if you follow me on twitter, are friends with me on facebook or see me a lot, you have heard me complain about my wisdom tooth being pulled. I know, I'm a baby. I have been floored by the pain. On Friday my Uncle Pierre called to let me know he heard on CHVN that it was Shine Dental's "Free Day" Free Day meaning they do free work for people with no insurance. So, my mom and i hopped out of bed and went there. The secretary told us you had to make appointments, but could fit us in because of a cancellation. I was thinking to myself It's our lucky day (this was before I had gotten the news that they planned on pulling my wisdom tooth.) Had I known this was the case I would have stayed in bed. Yes, I love sleep that much. If you have ever spent a day with me you would know that I am obsessive about brushing my teeth. I have to brush my teeth after every meal. This means carrying my tooth brush and sometimes mouth wash with me. Needless to say hearing I could get a free cleaning was reason enough to pull me out of bed.

The Dental assistant asked me if I had anything that was bothering me, so I mentioned how food got stuck between my teeth in the back. She quickly took an X-ray and informed me my wisdom tooth would have to be pulled because it was wearing out my other tooth. The X-Ray was bizarre my wisdom tooth was jamming horizontally into my teeth. I was completely comfortable when he numbed my mouth. Once he told me he had to break some bones and slice some of my gum my heart began to race. This was a feeling way too familiar to me it was the "OMG what am I doing?" heart pounding I had when I got my tattoo.

Dr. Wong kept telling me I was doing Great he must have read my emotions easily. I was freaking out on the inside but staying calm and quiet in the real world. I felt like a test subject, All the dental Assistants had to come look at my X-ray and stop by to see how things were going. Dr. Wong also kept saying things like "now it should come right out" or "this should do the trick, nope" and "Let's try this" He had to take it out in 7 pieces. So not fun! Now, I'm suffering through some pain and can't wait for these stitches to dissolve. A few days have passed and my stitches have tore open and I have a gaping hole in my gum. Real fun!

I saw the man of my dreams the other day. I'm gonna call him Sport Chek guy because I only see him when he shops there. He doesn't come in too often but every time he does I want to run to him and never let go. It's too bad He's unavailable. Maybe he will leave his girlfriend because of the amazing small talk he and I have lol j/k Seriously, He's like this dreamy model type. Perhaps he isn't as hot as I make him out to be because I told Chrissy about him when he left and she said I didn't really look. He's the kind of attractive that you can't help but look. Also he's not some air head jock or dumb blonde model he uses intelligent words. Where do men like that hang out? I wanna go there. lol I'm not shallow, I would totally date any guy. He just has to have an amazing sense of humor and a brain. No dense boys for me!

I finally bought the last season of How I Met Your Mother. I love the show. For next weeks work schedule Jacey asked me if I preferred 40 hrs or Monday nights off so I can watch my show. Of course I said How................................................................ about the 40 hours.

I caught something that I find interesting. In the episode where Ted has his first day as professor he mentions how his wife is in that class. Will we meet her? I'm not sure because he's in the wrong room. I heard a rumor that Rachel Bilson will play the mother. Is Perez Hilton wrong?

I have missed bible study and youth for a few weeks now. I'm totally losing touch. I don't read my bible as nearly as I should and that pexting idea isn't working I'm the last on the list and never get the message. I wonder if my number is correct?! I wish they could work my shifts so that I can have Wed. and Friday nights off. at least I still have Sundays.

I still really miss Twyla I want to send her a message to say hi and see how she is doing but I don't wanna upset her. Why does life have to suck?

I have missed the gym so much lately totally not in the mood. I need it though. I have been so tired since I don't go as often. It's okay for a bit but I have to get back into the routine. Summer aka swimsuit time will be here sooner than you think. Especially if i keep skipping the gym.

So, I wonder about people why we do what we do. I don't understand why or how we can hurt people and not mean it. When I was a kid I told my cousin my best friend liked him when she told me not to. Why do we always think we know what's best for people. What qualifies us to be the know it all with all the right answers. I'm completely talking about myself. I'm extremely judgmental I always make comments like "when I'm a parent I won't do that" or "They need to discipline them better" or "That kid deserves a good smack" (all kids need a good beating to set them right) (I turned out fine) I also tell people what they do wrong in relationships; Like don't date someone you think you can change cuz you can't, or he doesn't respect you if he fooled around with you when he knew you were in a serious relationship.

I still think these are valid comments. I do think that since I have not experienced raising children or a relationship that I shouldn't judge. Somehow I still feel I know best. I have observed these situations and I can learn from seeing these things. I know everyone hates that I judge them for these things but it's something I have to work on. I'm glad I am like this in a way. I can use these things I judge people with to do the right things in my life. It won't make me an expert but it will save me from some problems. I'm sure I will mess up in some areas but then you can judge me and tell me what I'm doing wrong. I like healthy criticism.

I love being random. I was watching, I may have mentioned this before, Scrubs. The Janitor and JD are whispering and then JD asks why are we whispering. The Janitor says, I wanted to see if you would whisper too. I have tried that a few times. SO much fun. THe other day I walked up to Jacey with my hand in High 5 mode not telling him I wanted a High 5, I got one though. I haven't gotten left hanging by this test but we'll see how it goes. If you have any ideas on other random things I can do let me know.

I was talking with my parents about how sneaky of a kid I was. I was funny. I may have talked about these before but I find them entertaining. My older sister and I had my youngest sister fall asleep on the pile of toys in my room so I wouldn't have to clean and could go play. I use to fall asleep with my face in the vegetables so I wouldn't have to eat them. I also take the blame for broken dishes because I know people like me best and don't get mad at me. I also had this ingenious plan to fake that I'm asleep when the parents came into the room to yell at us for talking. I would have a certain position that I would sleep in and every time I heard them coming I would lye the same way. I wanna hear everyones stories. How sneaky were you?

well i gotta go get ready. Later <3

Warning: You are about to encounter some faith talk!

2009-09-13T21:36:00.000-07:00

So I was watching a Youtube video of a Kirk Cameron interview and there was the funniest comments on the page.

Non Christians have the funniest thoughts. Well I'm sure Christians have said some weird things before too. It is good that they ask these questions but they aren't really seeking answers, they are bashing our beliefs.

Here is one about Micheal J. Fox because he was mentioned in the interview: (I wonder why he wasn't asked "So why do you think God gave MJF Parkinson's?" what a Hack!)

In my personal opinion and from what I have learned in my few years as a Christian; God doesn't curse people. If he did "give" Micheal Parkinson's you should know that God doesn't give anyone things they cannot handle. If God did punish people by giving them Illnesses wouldn't he give; Murders and Rapists diseases like this? I think that Micheal got this disease so that he could make a difference. His fame and riches has made him the perfect person to spear head Parkinson's research. I don't know Micheal J. Fox's Religious beliefs, but I know that God will use believers and no believers to do his work. So far Micheal has been doing a good job.

Another one; (there are many people dying, hungry poor and God couldn't give two shits about them and Kirk has money a beautiful wife, God answers his prayers. What a load of shit!)

Well, this ones a toughie. Yes, Kirk is blessed. God gives to those who have given. When you give money you get money, when you give love you get love, and when you give help you receive help. God is using Kirk to spread his word. These homeless/ hungry people are also doing God's work. With the love and kindness they show people and stray animals. They have nothing and are humble and loving. People give them shelter and food and God smiles. Know that these people aren't doomed to live lives of hunger and lack of shelter. They too can have money and rich, full lives. They just need to trust in God. I'm not saying that these people are all non believers. Even; every Sunday, front row, church attendees do not have enough faith to believe that God can pull them out of their pain. The homeless may have more faith than some church regulars. We also have to know that not everything is handed to you on a platter. You have to search for work or help. If you are homeless and hungry but won't get up and walk to the soup kitchen, how do you expect to be fed?

Now, people are going to think I am harsh and cruel. Sorry but I'm a tough love kind of girl. If you want something work for it. Maybe your dreams are bigger than you think possible. Know that nothing is impossible with God. You just have to be willing to do anything for God and believe with all your heart it is possible.

One thing I find Highly entertaining is how atheists love to slam our beliefs. They feel they have a right to tell us we are insane. I as a Christian would never tell you, you were wrong to your face, although I know you are wrong. I would Pray for you and hope you would come to know how amazing God is. I would only tell you of my beliefs if you had some interest. If you had questions I would try to answer them to the best of my knowledge. I will also be honest to tell you I don't have all the answers because I am still learning. Even my Pastor who I find to be extremely wise, would tell you he doesn't have every answer to every question. A wise person is humble enough to know this.

All the answers any human has is in the Bible, so I recommend reading it. You may tell me you have read it from start to finish and didn't get what you were looking for. My answer is that you are asking the wrong questions and to try again. Many times a passage has a different meaning when read the second time. Something different speaks to you and what you are going through now.

I am so annoyed by the crazy people who call themselves Christians. The people who say the are on America's Next Top Model because God told them to do it. People who have murdered and said God told me to do it is insane. People who don't drink and dance because God says it's wrong. At the last supper Jesus says he will drink wine with the disciples in his Father's kingdom. So, It's not a sin to drink. I know this because Jesus was and is the only man to live a life free of sin. Drunkenness is another story. If it was a sin to Dance would the bible tell us to praise him through dance in Psalm 149:3?

I have really enjoyed this blog. Forced me crack open the bible a couple of times and to stick up for my beliefs. Perhaps I would not be strong enough to take a bullet for my faith but maybe someday. I've grown this much so who knows what God can and will continue to do in my life.

I love him.

I really don't care if you are reading this and think I am crazy. I warned you it got intense. This is what I believe. Maybe someday through my studies of the bible my belief will change but I will always Love Jesus, and follow what I have read in the Bible.

Good Night and God Bless!

Superstar!

2009-09-07T16:17:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I Forgot to bring my runners with me to church so I had to wear my flats I'm so glad I didn't have an 8 hour shift or my feet would have been killing me. I had to take my shoes off somewhere in the middle of my shift and stand on my tip toes so they wouldn't hurt. Never again will I forget my shoes. I remember how Jason was telling me to buy shoes comfort over looks and I disagreed. I soon regretted it. I then bought some comfortable asics and he got to say I told you so. lol

I was trying to find out the air date of the how I met your mother season 5 and saw a preview but it wouldn't let me watch it because I am not an American citizen. BOO!!!

So, I usually am so envious of all the happy couples around me but not lately. Everyone has become single. I think single might just be so much easier. No need to worry about other peoples feelings, and freedom. Not that I need freedom. A boy wouldn't and shouldn't take away from personal time and girlfriend time. And if you are with the right person you wont hurt them and they wont hurt your feelings. I do see the appeal of a relationship but, I don't think i can be in one. I'm too independent. I like to do things for myself and by myself. I've seen too many of the women around me rely on men for income, to foot the bill, to buy them pretty things. I have a job, I can do all that myself. Heck I have supported my mom and my sister on my measly Subway paycheck. If I were in a relationship I may fight over the bill and never let him buy me things.

That should be in a personal add, men would love never paying or wasting money on things that he can't wear. lol

So, I'm doomed to be single because of my independence. I think I'm okay with that sure I'd love to have a guy around but I can live alone.

I'm probably just saying this because I'm sick of being single. I think I may really want a relationship so I tell myself I love being single. Does that make any sense? Probably the smartest thing I've said.

I don't mind being single though. I have gotten comfortable. It's what I know, Safe.

It's terrible of me to judge people but when I look at these people who have been in relationships, I wonder why and how they could hurt someone they supposedly love. I then wonder is it just because they are human? Will I be doomed to hurt someone too? Let's hope not. Let's hope my observing these other peoples mistakes will help me get it right.

I found a book that has all my prayers in it, I haven't written my prayers down in a long time. I'm going to try that again. It seemed to keep me closer to God. It made me think of who I am and realize all my mistakes and improve on those qualities.

Maybe I have changed since a year ago. Hope I can become a better person.

That reminds me my friend Twyla, Can I still call her my friend if she doesn't want to be my friend? I would still call her my friend because I still want to be her friend. That would be like that movie Beyonce is in, Obsessed. The other woman was insane and claimed they were a happy item, when really she made it all up in her head. SO, I will now refer to Twyla as my greatest old friend. It sounds better than ex best friend. Ex best friend makes it seem like we are not friends, my choice. I do want to be her friend but she chose not to be mine. What I wanted to say about Twyla is that I really miss her I keep relating things to "Friends" and no one gets the comparison. She would. I miss hearing about her daily life. Her work day, even when it was something dull she made it exciting. I guess that's why she is a reporter. She tells a great story. I would even tell her stories (about how she lost her cell phone, or how she wrote to Robert Munsch for a school project) to people around me. I'm sad that she has these negative feelings and thoughts towards me. I'm sad that I'm not the friend she wants to keep around. I hope I was a good enough friend for her, one that she deserved. She is a great person and deserves true happiness.

I've come up with a new pose for pictures. We went to the forks and Sarah wanted her picture taken so I told her to do the superstar pose. While I said this I put my fingers under my armpits and then sniffed them. While not meaning to I made a random stranger laugh. I'm going to pose like that always so I can remember that day :)

I really want to go to bed so I can wake up and get my cell phone back. I am so mad that I left it in Jacey's office. I put it down on the golf set box and thought to myself don't forget it there. Of course I do :( Since it's a long weekend I've had to wait a hole day. If you have ever forgotten your cell at home you will agree with me that you feel naked without it. I keep hearing vibrations and ring tones from other peoples cell phones and I look around like a lost puppy, searching for it's mother.

Of course when I thought I had left it in Kelsey's car I facebook messaged every single person to try get Kelsey's number. The only person to reply was Dinuldy. She's so awesome :)

Well I gotta do somethings before I sleep. Good Night

2009-09-04T20:42:00.000-07:00

While in swan I learned how to light a fire. We needed to know how since we were going camping over the weekend. I am a city girl, most of the time. I don't get dirty if I don't have to. Growing up, whenever my dad had to fix a car or something electrical, I would be the one bringing drinks or something. I would never help. I didn't learn anything from Camp, even though I took the wilderness course. So, we attempted to get the fire started and had no success the paper would burst into flames and then quickly burn out. Every time we tried. The next day we tried using these amazing things called fire starters. They ignite immediately, all you have to do is surround it with kindling and some wood and you are set. They should have mentioned that when I was at camp. lol

Houses are so expensive. we have to shell out some money for a duct cleaning. I would rather rub a balloon on a cat and throw it down there. That would have the humane on my case, so how about putting my niece in a fuzzy tutu and sending her in there to collect the dust. Then Child and Family Services would hunt me down. I guess since I fit through a tennis racket I could shimmy my way through there. lol

Speaking of CFS. I was reading in the Free Press about the kid getting their head smashed onto the curb. How can anyone do that? I cannot remember, did they say the lady was drunk? another reason why I don't like booze. Perhaps she was mentally unaware. If that's the case. I'm sad. I am not sure of my thoughts on this subject. If some one suffers from a mental disability and murders someone should they just go to a facility for help? I'm thinking they should still be in prison and get the help they need there. Dangerous people shouldn't be free to roam the streets. that would be a controversial topic. agree or disagree with me on the subject??

I went to the gym with Jen the other day. She is one dedicated girl. I usually go for an hour she kept me there for two. Needless to say my body hurts. :(

lame blog but i'm tired and i open tomorrow g'night!

my vacation so far has been bitter sweet.

2009-08-26T12:55:00.000-07:00

I have enjoyed catching up with my relatives at the wedding. I have missed them terribly. Rick and I talked video games, music. Sadly as the fun began my ride decided they wanted to leave. My auntie Val made a joke about how she use to take us to movies but now that were of age we can drink together.
I don't really understand the appeal of drinking. Sure, I'll have one Drink but any more than that I do not see the point. Why do you want to lose your inhibitions? I like to have full control over my mind. If people use it, so they can have fun they really need to become more fun. I have a blast and never drink. If you need it because you can't bear the people you are with, stop hanging out with them. I don't mind drinking, it's just that I believe you should not get drunk. I don't think I'm going to drink again. I don't like the taste and what is the point of liquor? To get drunk or to relax. I can find other ways to relax that are ten times more fun.
The wedding was beautiful. I'm so happy for my cousin Jay. He looks like the happiest man in the world. I'm glad the wedding turned out so lovely on a nice day. Even with the wind.
I had a nice visit with my Great Aunties. They are lovely. I also got time to read my bible go for a walk and go to church. It was weird I ran into someone who knew Zach. Small world, who would think I would meet someone who knew him in Norquay.
I Finally arrived in swan Monday night. I love seeing Melissa. I truly missed her. I haven't hung out with her in so long. Since I moved our visits were always over dinner. Needless to say I am enjoying this catch up time. Hope I'm not intruding. I'm not sure how I would feel having someone staying at my house for a week. They seem okay with it so far.
I wish I knew more people in swan. I am so bored during the day. I'm so jealous though, that Melissa and Jeff have full time day jobs. Lucky small town people.
I came to Swan with a mission. I really want to keep Twyla as a friend but she just doesn't care anymore. I gave her a book that I thought was perfect. It was called "I'll Love You Forever" by Robert Munsch. I thought it would be perfect because she loves the author and it was read by Joey on Friends, her favorite t.v. show. Sadly that would the most thought I put into a gift for any person. I saw it and had to get it for her. Anyways, I dropped it off in between her doors and then texted her to tell her I was in Swan if she wanted to talk. Then, she replied saying I'm mean and Vindictive lately. I don't know what she means perhaps I was a bit harsh sometimes, but really when someone tells you, have changed into someone they don't like you are hurt. Doesn't she understand that? Am I suppose to sit back while she tells me I'm a terrible person? I felt I needed to defend myself. I'm not a bad person. I am not a crazy bar star, and I gossip, yes, It's my one bad habit. Sue me. I am not even sure what she thinks I have said that is vindictive, but if I'm some kind of evil that she needs to stay away from then okay. I shouldn't infect other people.

DEPRESSED!!!!!!

arg!

2009-08-14T22:57:00.000-07:00

well, I was having a good day shared a few jokes at work spent time with my sister and her kids. then I came home had a freak out because, I hate money. Sorry Tanya, I really don't mind lending money. I am just frustrated.

How do families survive on one income? I find it hard to live on 2. It seems every time I get paid, my check is immediately gone to bills and food. I really wish I could move out and only had myself to support. Andrea offered me a sweet deal. I think she said 290 a month plus hydro. I would love that. If only I had no obligations at home. It would be so good for me to move out. I would find independence, and freedom. How can I grow up if I still live at home. I suppose that I have been forced to grow up already. No kid should support their parents. Once, I was supporting three people on my minimum wage, not quite full time job.

How do single teen mothers do it? I do not believe in abortions but I would definitely give a kid up for adoption if I had gotten pregnant at a young age. I could not imagine raising a family on my own. Glad I kept my legs together. :P

I know this girl who I don't understand. She gets so upset, often over little things. They aren't anything to worry about. I would let them roll off my back had they happened to me. You did something I wanted to do and I wasn't included (I tell you I hate you, jokingly of course) I'm not invited to your party (Slightly hurt but still love you) A guy doesn't like me and has a girlfriend (tell him she is a lucky girl and know that he's missing out on a prize like me) Why do people react like preteens. Grow up please! I can't cater to peoples every emotion. So far I do things and don't say things to her because I think it may upset her. In the case of her calling one of our friends gay who gets called that all the time at school (he isn't by the way) I should have told her to apologize but didn't because I thought she may cry. Not anymore! I will not walk on egg shells around you. I'm gonna set her right. Be ready for me world, I'm not a push over anymore.

Let's hope work goes well tomorrow. Much like today if not more fun. :)

Oh what a day!

2009-08-12T17:14:00.000-07:00

I woke early to shower and shave my legs. It was a cool shower, because I couldn't use my usual steaming hot water with my burn. Hot sprinkling water on your burn is like poking yourself with tons of needles. I have the worst skin. I do not remember burning this much when I was a kid, and I spent tons of hours at the beach for my summers. Now, every single time I spend a day under the suns streaming rays I will undoubtedly get burned. I wouldn't mind it so much if it was an even burn. I keep getting the craziest burns, as I have mentioned before. This one, fills my white spots in but my back is whiter than milk. When I got off work today I was so glad I worked in an air conditioned building today. It was deathly hot out. But, those are the summers I remember growing up. It was never hard for me to get into the water as a kid, now it takes me forever. On a day like today I would jump in immediately for a much needed cool down.

I left for work not forgetting anything for once. Caught my bus, which sadly isn't a regular occurrence for me. I was glad everything was going so well. I would work, eat my homemade lunch, (I also rarely have time to make one of those) go to the gym after work and head to Bible study. When I soon arrived at work my good day quickly vanished. I opened my bag to find I had not closed my pasta and tomatoe sauce container completely. Tomatoe sauce everywhere, including my new really expensive camera a.k.a. my baby. I was glad to have Chrissy there to take care of my camera. She got the gunk out of every nook and cranny. Meanwhile I tried to clean up the huge mess by putting all my belongings into garbage bags. Needless to say I'm never bringing any type of sauce for lunch again.

So, I could not go to the gym today unless I wanted to attract all the skinny girls who do not eat. I would have smelled yummy.

Oh, so since I had no more lunch I had to buy it. When I told my sister of the sauce catastrophe she reminded me she had my debit card. Luckily I had my Visa. I hate using a Visa for small transactions so I had to go big or go home. So, I ordered 2 pizzas and cinna sticks and a 2L coke. Perhaps people think I eat a lot because I order lots. I tried so hard to share it with everyone but only a few people would help me out. I then realized I had to carry them home. I was bound to look like a homeless person with my clothes in garbage bags dogs following me because of the scent. Observers would surely think I picked up the pizza from the garbage bin of Dominoes. Silliness. Why such bad luck?

I got on bus after work and, remembered the good old school days, when I took hour long bus rides. I enjoyed them. I remember napping in the back seat in grade nine as the "big kid" and getting dibs on the seats in grade ten because we were the first stop. We had a variety when it came to bus drivers. Some everyone loved others everyone hated. Back in grade 3 my bus driver was the coolest he took us to his place at the end of June for ice cream and Gave us chocolate at Christmas. We even chipped in, to get him a gift. I remember there was this huge bump in the road that allowed us to pretend we could fly, he saw this and sped up for us. Sadly my older cousins came and made him into a bitter old man. They were rebels who loved to stir up trouble. The next few years were filled with; seating arrangements, not being able to leave your seat until you arrived home, him picking one of my cousins up by the collar and tossing him into his rightful seat. Oh, I can't forget when he closed Gemma's head in the door. The day he quit he was probably just as happy to be gone as we were to have him gone. We then had this lovely woman who was the mother of one of our friends. Needless to say everyone liked her. Can you believe, we celebrated the day we got a tape player on the bus no more silent bus rides? Now I bet you could pass your Ipod to your bus driver out in Benito. Sweet memories!

well I will leave it at that. at least my day ended on happy memories.

I love how I say when I was a kid and I remember when. I'm only 23, these things were just yesterday. LOL

Single and okay with it.

2009-08-09T20:30:00.000-07:00

So, I have been very okay with my singlism lately. oops that makes it sound like a religion or something. LOL

Peoples relationship problems made me see that I like the drama free life I'm living. I'm going to enjoy myself and if some guy comes along that's worth my time Great. No more crushing for me, the guys I like will simply know that I like them. No chasing for me either. If they like me back they can do the work. None of the 'why hasn't he called?' tears or "does he like me?' panic for me.

I believe the guy who is worth the tears would never make me cry intentionally. It drives me insane when I see people in messed up relationships. Why let your significant other hit our verbally abuse you? That's not love or even like. If a dude ever hit me, adrenaline would kick in and I would knock him back into his mommas womb. I don't need drama I have been surrounded by it for way too long. I guess it has made me who I am, a girl who won't waste her time in any of these situations.

I think people shouldn't take dating so seriously until they are at the ready for marriage phase. I'd say 27 to 35 is a safe time. I agree with what Neil said today. This isn't how he put it but I interpreted it this way. Girls 18 to 23 aren't sure what the want and are drama seeking crazy people. (sadly I'm still 23. I'm so over the drama though. I know what I want.) I can't say that's a fact or anything. There are some exceptions. like me! LOL. I have met some boys (16 to 20) who are extremely mature and I have met some men (let's say 27 to 40) who are utterly immature. (hence a lot of immature ones)

I really want everyone to evaluate who they are and what they want out of a relationship before entering one. If you want a one night stand, a Church is not a good place to find one. LOL If you want something serious don't go to the clubs, no one has their right mind when they are there, drunk or not. Also be honest with the person, tell them what you are looking for. Save yourself the trouble, with any luck they may only want a "sleeping buddy" too. LOL I just thought of Joey using these quotations wrong on Friends. What a great Show! (Hope I used them correctly) LOL

In conclusion, I like being single for now. I love flirting and will continue to do so.

Later everyone!

Fun in the sun!

2009-08-03T23:50:00.000-07:00

I finally got my much needed break from work. Sadly I don't go back to work until Thursday and will be bored the next two days. I'll deal.

My vacation began Friday. I packed up my stuff and headed to Gimli for the Islendingadagurinn.

We arrived and set up our tent. It was a lot easier than I thought, I will definitely be able to pitch it myself at the end of August. Can't wait! That night we went into town for the rock the dock event, but it was moved to the pavilion. Once we arrived there we saw people leaving and the music wasn't playing any more. So we went on our quest for a big rock to put under my collapsible BBQ. We found this great rocky area and ran into some drunk lady. She told us how she lost her cell phone the other night because she was so wasted that she woke up in the water. As we just about escaped this silly girl the cops pulled up. They approach us, flash their light on Benji's drink asking, "What do we have here?" It was just a Coffee Crisp flavored milk. They then asked what we were doing there, Andrea being the honest lovely person she is explains. I was wary about admitting we were there for a rock, is that not stealing public property? I guess it was nothing to worry about because once we explained what it was for they let us search. Benji had a nice chat with them while we found it. I wonder what drunk girl was doing while this was going on. We began heading to our car and she followed us as the cops left she told us she was pretending to be with us because there was a warrant out for her arrest. We quickly jumped into the car and locked our doors. Why do cops stop to talk to people like us and let the bad guys go under the radar? When we got back to my grandparents (willow creek) we began our bonfire. I like hot dogs!!

It is weird how times have changed so drastically. How my grandparents grew up to now. My Amma was upset that I didn't have two tents like I had originally said I would. (one for the boys and one for the girls.) It's not my fault they couldn't bring another tent. It just irks me that they don't see me as a responsible adult. There would be no way I would bring a bunch of people in their yard so they could have sex, and drink. It annoys me that they don't know me well enough. I'm a good girl. I hate that people from previous years have ruined it for me.

I hate guilt by association. Just because my cousins are like that they assume I am. Just because most teenagers are like that they assume I am. Prejudice is a funny thing. Once a Jehovah's witness approached me at the bus stop, to get her to leave I told her how I go to church on Sunday, Wednesday, and Friday's and she was shocked. She said, "You don't see that too often." I see it all the time. It's because I'm in that life. I see tons of young people in churches. Were not all crazy teens who need to be saved.

Saturday was a lovely day. I got to see Fred Penner. I was reminded of how cool he was. I really want to continue singing those songs with Naomi, they are fun. It was on again, off again rain that day. I got to see all my family. I miss them. We headed to the rides. Where Sarah and Chris went on the Zipper. I totally would have had a freak out on that. Never mind, I went on the Ferris wheel with Chris to use up the tickets Sarah had to buy and got so nervous from being so high. Looking around was not fun! That night we went to rock the dock for a second and sat on the beach for the fireworks. They could have been better.

The next day was gorgeous. So sunny and delightful. Hence my burn. I really didn't feel like I was burning on the beach. Then again I left the beach soon after arriving and went to see some frisnok with Jaclyn and Sean. It's a really cool game. Jaclyn says she has some poles set up in her back yard we should have a frisnok party dear! That would be barrels of fun. We headed back home and stopped at a beach on Willow Island road to take a quick swim. So nice. I like the seclusion. We then played some Frisbee with Noami and had a BBQ with Tanya and family. We took our tent down because Afi said it would rain tonight and could sleep in the camper. Next was the Alternative Folk Festival. We missed our chance to see Fred Penner again. I wonder if he does music for the older crowd? There was some good tunes. The last group played some rave music had some flashy lights, smoke, wore masks and beaks. We quickly got up out of there. Weird!

The next morning we woke up and slowly got ready, made it to Gimli just in time to see the parade while ordering some Subway. I felt bad eating while they drove by, they all wanted a bite. lol I said bye to my relatives, Benji and I headed home leaving Sarah and Mom there for the week.

On our way home Benji's parents asked if he wanted to go to Lower Fort Garry. So we joined our big church group. They are such lovely people. I had fun and it was cool to see Meghan in her work setting. I saw Neil there. I was too lazy to say hi and was contemplating just snapping a photo of him to have proof that I saw him there. Instead of being creepy, I sucked it up and said who cares if you haven't showered in four days and look like crap, It's just Neil. I poked fun at him for being at this kind of concert. Definitely would not peg him as a fan of this kind of music. lol. He was there with his sister and family. Very cute!

We then went for some ice cream at half moon. I ordered some fries and a burger. People always comment how I eat so much and have this great metabolism. But I don't! The times I eat lots it's because I'm hungry. Sometimes I order lots and don't eat it all. My gut is coming back too. I gotta start eating three meals again and eat some yogurt and apples. no more chips and fast food! *slowly drops handful of "munchies snack mix"* LOL

I was so glad to come home and shower. I'm clean now! yay! Now it's almost three i should go to bed. Why did I fall asleep for six hours after I got home a six thirty?

I'm So Sad

2009-07-28T20:52:00.000-07:00

I haven't blogged in awhile because I haven't known what to write on the subject that has been on my mind.

My birthday is coming up in two days and I don't know what to do with myself. It will break my heart when my birthday ends and I don't hear from Twyla. It may be selfish of me to want to know she is thinking of me on my birthday, but I just do.

I am beside myself, when I think of not being her friend anymore. I told her everything. My deepest darkest secrets well maybe not. I only tell God those, but the ones right under those, the secrets you don't tell the world. She knew them. She gave me advice on guys. I'm totally going to make an ass of myself the next time I find a boy of interest. Not that I listened to all the advice. I have no will power what so ever. Give me a bag of chips, no matter how big it is, it will be gone in one sitting.

Why is she no longer my best friend you ask. Well it's her decision not mine. Apparently I have changed in the last year. I don't see it. I asked many people if I have changed and they all said yes. With that reply my eyes jumped out of my head. They soon explained it was in a good way. Example, I'm less shy now. She says I now go to bars and gossip. I have gone to 8 bars since I turned 18, I'm such a bar star! I have already discussed my gossiping issue. I know that I have a problem and I am dealing with it. So I really don't understand this. I'm still the same me. I have always been a part of gossip, I wrote the "juicy details" to Twyla, Melissa, Joyce and Tracey in letters so they never bit me in the bum before.

So, I haven't changed. But she thinks I have. Twyla also said that she could not be my friend at this time because she doesn't like the person I have become she said maybe in the future but not now. I don't know what to think of this. So I told her not to worry about it that if she wasn't willing to stick by my side through the hard times (my gossip faze) then I didn't need her in the future. I don't know what to do she's irreplaceable. So I will never have a best friend again.

I'm confused as to why she is so angry at me. Perhaps she feels she has out grown me like Ted thought he did Barney, on "How I Met Your Mother." Doesn't she know I too would walk until I reached her if she needed me, I would definitely get hit by a bus for her.

She was more than a sister to me and I will miss her dearly. I don't know if she knew how much I cared. It didn't seem like I ever gave her advice for anything and she never really cried on my shoulder. Was I a terrible friend? Did she just never need my advice because she was too smart and solved her own problems? Did she not think of me as a friend and never felt the need to tell me her fears and thoughts? I probably was too self involved and never gave her a chance to let it all out.

If by some chance Twyla you still care enough about me to check my blog, know that I am deeply sorry that I sucked as a Best Friend. You deserve better. I love and miss you.

BOo to Boston Pizza! I want to be a robot! Vanity!

2009-07-19T14:41:00.000-07:00

So, I had fun at Boston Pizza but I hate that every time I go there it's with a big crowd. I end up not getting to converse with the people on the other end of the table. It was nice hanging out with everyone outside of work, but I'm a small group kind of person. I have great one on one conversations. Camille and I had some fun conversations about sports and other things.

Jacey was nice to point out that I wasn't saying much. I just don't do well with big groups. It was funny when Jacey said I don't shut up at work. I do talk a lot at work. I love telling people about my most embarrassing moments. You've all heard them. :) Awhile back I asked Jacey if I talk too much and he said he has gotten good at tuning people out. I felt completely unignored. :) lol

I do talk too much I need to listen more. It seems though that I ask people what's new and they say not much so if I don't talk about how I once flashed a teacher we would stand there in silence. I really try to listen to people so that at a later time I can ask them how certain things went but I really suck at it. I'm such a dude sometimes and my mind wanders. I need to work on so many things. Why couldn't we all just be born as wonderful caring people who were automatically built to do everything right. I want to be a robot so bad! LOL

Sadly I have to buy a car I don't want. Since I have no credit, I can't get one on my own I need my sisters income toward it. She won't help me pay for a truck that uses so much gas. Guess I'm buying my mom a car now and mine will have to come someday in a the far future. :( I have wanted the Sport Trac for a really long time. Sarah's so cruel.

Dudes with long nails is so nasty and creepy. I know this one guy who needs to cut them but he plays some kind of guitar and likes using his nails rather than a pick. Yes, it's just the one hand with long nails. People sure are different. He's a cool guy so I suppose his nail length doesn't really matter.

Why have I become this person of appearance? I never use to care about my looks. I didn't wear make up until 2005. Yes, all through high school I didn't care that I didn't look fabulous. I didn't even notice my weight until I was in grade 11. Not that I was sumo size or anything, I just had a bit of flub. Now I can't leave the house without putting on at least eyeliner and mascara. I go to the gym now but just to keep fit. I hated running up the stairs and feeling tired. Oh and my hair. In school was it grade 6? I was made fun of because I had knots in my hair. I was forced to have long hair and my mom would make me sit there as she would yank my hair out trying to get the knots out. I hated it, so sometimes I would pull it into a pony tail and leave for school. Now I have to wash, blow dry and straighten my hair before I leave the house. Even on a bad hair day I don't look that bad. Vanity is a silly thing.

Well I'm going to research a car that I like that's good on gas gotta go and try buy it tomorrow. Later

Bum floss, Laughter and Friends.

2009-07-16T21:54:00.000-07:00

Bum Floss? I do not understand why girls wear thongs. They must be amazingly comfortable. For me to wear one it would have to be as amazing as a hot tub after a day on the ski hill. I saw some girl on the bus today, well maybe I just saw her thong, because that's where my eye was immediately drawn. When I tried to look away all I could see was her reflection in the window. Why blind a poor soul!? Her pants were so low when she sat that all you saw was crack. Don't people know cracks are not exciting and sexy? If you think about it what comes form there? Nasty! Hide your Cracks Girls! Modest is hottest! If you are finding it hard to find pants that aren't made to ride low, get a belt. That's what they were invented for.

I simply love How I Met Your Mother. I find myself laughing at jokes I have seen a million times. I simply love to laugh, and this show makes me laugh. I was watching Just For Laughs the other day some of the things they do on that show are hilarious. I love pranks that are done in tasteful ways. Even Punk'd was a fave for me. If you can get someone and they are able to laugh with you about it, it's priceless! I'm going to miss Jason jumping out of the darkness. He got a great jump out of me when I came down the stairs the other day. Neil will have to step up to the plate! I think what I like about being scared by Jason is his reaction he gets such a big kick out of it, really entertains him.

I'm trying to make camping plans with two of my friends from Swan. I think it will be fun. Sadly Twyla says she is all booked up. So I'm guessing she can't come. It's a go though the three of us will book it off. I haven't really hung out with Melissa and Tracey since the day I moved. Every time I come visit it's just dinner and catch up talk. We will get to actually fool around and be ourselves. I always get crazy around my high school friends. Nothing like Lily Aldren where she becomes this black woman in a white woman's body, on How I Met Your Mother, but I can be myself around them. They know everything about me, from the most embarrassing story to the most bragged about moment. They knew me before I was pretty. They know what makes me who I am and they care about me. The feeling is mutual, I would do anything for these girls.

Now Twyla if you are reading this, know that I love you just as much maybe more. You actually know me better than they, for you know me now as well. You know everything that I have gone through since high school. I have become a better person because of you and your wisdom. I love and miss you so much and am deeply saddened that I have to wait to visit you. Perhaps in Sept. or Oct. Jan. even, we can go to Assessippi or something. Love You!

I was watching the Hour today. George Stroumboulopoulos (what a name!) ( I thought Chornawka was long) is probably my new favorite person. He's funny and smart. On my new found quest to learn and be more interesting I have stumbled across him. It was easy seeing as this week is Comedy week on the hour. Tonight's guests, Howie Mandel and Carol Burnett were so funny! go to http://www.cbc.ca/thehour/ to see episodes of Russell Peters, Pauly Shore, Billy Connolly an much more.

well I better go to bed. Good night! God Bless!

Craziness!

2009-07-15T21:59:00.000-07:00

I just read this really cool article from following Matt Damon on twitter. you can read it here and watch a video. http://gizmodo.com/5277456/stem-cell-contact-lenses-cure-blindness-in-less-than-a-month I copied a bit of it here:

Here's something that people with poor or no vision will be excited about: three patients had their sight restored in less than a month by contact lenses cultured with stem cells.

All three patients were blind in one eye. The researchers extracted stem cells from their working eyes, cultured them in contact lenses for 10 days, and gave them to the patients. Within 10 to 14 days of use, the stem cells began recolonizing and repairing the cornea.

Of the three patients, two were legally blind but can now read the big letters on an eye chart, while the third, who could previously read the top few rows of the chart, is now able to pass the vision test for a driver's license. The research team isn't getting over excited, still remaining unsure as to whether the correction will remain stable, but the fact that the three test patients have been enjoying restored sight for the last 18 months is definitely encouraging. The simplicity and low cost of the technique also means that it could be carried out in poorer countries.

Isn't that so cool and exciting. If people can use stem cells from eyes to correct eyes. There is no limit to the possibilities. Perhaps they will not need to get them from fertilized eggs for the Parkinson's cure. It's amazing what scientist discover. Can you imagine being completely blind and being able to see for the first time? Like in the movie Blind Dating he gets these glasses that allows him to see shadows, pretty cool go see the scene here. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U_u4ZAVslu8&feature=related Really good movie by the way, funny, there is lots of sex jokes in it though. It also starrs a lovely Indian actress. You should watch it!

Matt Damon is awesome. Smart, talented actor and funny check out his impersonation of Matthew McConaughey. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RqWbxDlMo9Q&NR=1 jump to 3:59 tho hear Matt Damon.

Well. I'm a terrible person. My biggest vice has been revealed to me. I'm a gossiper. And I will not take that crap anymore. I will not get sucked in by it's evilness. I don't even mean the things that come out of my mouth I came clean to the person I talked about and apologized for my part in it. I feel terrible that it hurt her so much, she's a good person. I'm sad that it affected others, they should deal with their stuff when they are ready. Sorry. I will not say another word. If I get the urge to say anything negative about someone I'm going to stop myself, think of something I love about them and say that instead. I will out grow this childishness. Gossip eats away at your soul. I don't even understand why I do it. I didn't gossip in high school. Is it the environment? Am I trying to fit in? It's frustrating and I'm not going to let it take me over any longer.

I enjoyed the Bible study today. It goes something like this. Our Physical selves need food so we feed it whatever is around. We sometimes chose to feed it healthily. Our spiritual selves need to be fed too but it is always feeding, On everything in life that we take in; movies, pictures, songs etc. We can chose to feed our spiritual hunger with healthy things like the bible and prayer. Deep stuff!!!

I chatted with one of my oldest friends today, Tracey, I miss her. Glad she helped me decide to be real.

Well I wrote a lot of thoughtful stuff. I wonder if anyone still reads this? Am I even a bit interesting? Oh well It's my way of venting.

Good Night!

la de da da

2009-07-13T14:23:00.000-07:00

Should we destroy someones way of life and history to keep ours the way it is? So, there's metals, gold, diamonds, and oil and gas, beneath the Arctic Ice. Should we go get it? Is it right to melt all the ice and take away everything these people know? They shouldn't have to adapt to accommodate us. We can live with out these things. Gold and Diamonds are materialistic, there's no need for them. Gas and oil, If we run out we can find other ways to run our automobiles. We're smart enough, have some patience. Gees.

I have been sick lately and so bored. The fever kept me busy, having to wash my hair with ice cold water and jump in ice cold showers but once that was gone I was bound to my bed. I really wish I hadn't cancelled most of my tv channels. I just felt I was never home and there was no need for them. Until of course the day you get the flu and have nothing to do. LOL Sarah just gave me season 2 of Scrubs and brought back How I met your mother but after four episodes you get bored quickly. I get to bring them to work for everyone tomorrow. I hate when I get colds. I seem to have a never ending fountain nose. I keep blowing it and it never ends. At least my sore throat has disappeared.

My birthday is soon, I hope I work the morning otherwise I will be so bored, waiting for the weekend. I wonder if I can get a few people to go out to dinner with me. some sport chekers perhaps. The weekend will be fun. The Islendingadagurinn, I'm camping in my grandparents yard with some friends. We'll enjoy ourselves. I have so many things to buy; chicken, a volleyball, frisbee, football, coals, matches. so much to do.

I got to go find some other entertianment oh so bored!!! later

High school!

2009-07-09T18:46:00.000-07:00

High School...

I hated High School. The cliques. I can't say I was in one. I was the loner. Not quite a nerd and not popular. I never got picked on I think people were scared of me, and how I would react. I was once given the nick name Carrie. Marcel said I was the quiet girl who would one day go insane. I had a few friends and a lot of people knew me.

I couldn't imagine going back to High School. Why would anyone want to face that again. I would do it differently if I had to, study harder, be nicer to people.

Big Brother 11 has done that sent everyone back to high school. Of course they chose people who haven't changed at all. Popular people who are still snobby and full of themselves. Jocks, need I say more. Geeks, as to why they got the label is oh so obvious. The Off Beat crowd aka the sore thumbs.

It will be an interesting season. But why, why Jessie? Do we really need to see his nasty muscles? Do we need to hear his air head replies?

oh well, guess I'll be okay.

chat another time.

I am domesticated!

2009-07-08T04:41:00.000-07:00

Or almost anyhow. So, My mom is visiting her parents and my aunt in Gimli so I have had to fend for myself. LOL It sounds like I'm a Little kid, yet I'm twenty three and still live at home. When will I move out? I have had to pay bills this week, not that I haven't payed bills, it's just that I usually give my mom the money and have her do it. I also had to go grocery shopping luckily Sarah is here because I didn't get around to it and probably wouldn't have. Who likes to bus with multiple bags of groceries?! She found a ride.

I have cleaned house this week as my facebook status stated. I wouldn't call it Desperate Housewives clean or even baby safe clean but I cleaned. I now look around the house and see that I didn't really clean. My cleaning job kind of looks like a red neck's back yard with random appliances and couches spread around. Only my couches are high heels, gym bags, a Karaoke machine, toys and tools. Can I be any more of a slob? I did just Clean the toilet and throw some towels in the laundry but that's not much, before that there was a huge pile of wet towels on the bathroom floor. I'm sure I mentioned in an earlier blog that I have a tiny bathroom so the clutter makes it look smaller.

It gives me hope that I'm not a complete moron and that if and when I do move out I will clean. Perhaps if I had someone coming over to my house more often I would feel the need to clean. I'm gonna say that if I had my own place perhaps I would bring people over. You don't want to bring a dude over and have your mom sitting right there. That was awkward! LOL

Well I must work harder to be a Stepford. Off to finish that load of laundry and to get ready for work. I suppose if I were a Stepford wife I wouldn't have a job. I'm not sure which appeals to me. Would I rather stay at home all day and make a lovely home and make delicious meals for my family? I love going to work and making a living. Maybe I will have a part-time job when I get married. I know I will love home life caring for my husband but I would need to get out of the house. I would go insane otherwise.

I wounder if I will still blog then or spend as much time on the computer as I do now. So many questions about the future and who's to say I will live that long or get married. The unknown....

Later

Silliness

2009-07-06T20:39:00.000-07:00

Today at work some funny things happened;

Jason scared the crap out of me. I was sitting in the cash office counting my till and he burst in and yelled hey. My reaction was priceless, ask Jason. I love being scared. I get a jolt of excitement. I like the quick pulse and surprise. Also because in these situations I'm immediately assured every things okay. That's why I like scary movies, they give me the thrill but it's not happening to me.

I made a comment about Nicole S from the P.C.D and Jamie over heard me, so I had to explain myself. I mentioned how I didn't like pretty, skinny people. He said your pretty skinny yourself. I found it funny how he didn't catch the comma that was there. I know I paused when I said it. Apparently I am not pretty and skinny just pretty skinny. LOL

Dale told me one of our customers were creepy. Apparently the old guy was watching my every move and then watched another dude punch in his pin. The funny part is how Dale was being the creeper and watching the creepy customer's every move. j/k your not creepy Dale! lol

I'm a wee bit annoyed with some family members, they basically told me my church was no good. The reason they left was because they needed more. It's too bad they spent the last two years at my church wanting out that they have missed how amazing our church has grown and become. It's sad that they think I feel lost and distant because I'm stuck at Bethel. Glad they found something that works for them.

I'm still lost. Why do I believe what I do? I no longer question if I believe it. I catch myself saying praying or talking to God. It's subconscious. I do it without thinking it comes so naturally. Is it because I was told this was the answer? I always find myself working so hard to pray or talk to God. I don't like that it's so hard for me. I look at others and it seems so easy and natural. They don't doubt for a second that God can do anything in their lives. Example: a parking spot. I have heard people say they need a parking spot that's close so they ask the Lord and get it. I don't see this as important. I wouldn't waste time praying for silly things. I see so many people break into prayer every moment, because they have complete faith. Perhaps that's the key, asking him for the small things in life reassures your beliefs and makes it easier to ask for anything anytime. How do you know it's him though. It could just be a coincidence that you got the parking spot. If you don't get the spot you would say God knew someone else needed it more. Or, it just wasn't your lucky day. Something to ponder.

Why is Micheal Jackson's death such a big thing? He died big whoop! No need to get tickets to his memorial. Why?! Is there going to be some big circus show or something? He's dead get over it! I hope I die in a fire so there is nothing of me to mourn. Anyone who lives longer than I should note that you shall not mourn me. I'm in heaven, hopefully! A far better place than earth, so be happy for me. And if not, I'm in hell and not worthy of the tears.

I was reading a magazine while on the treadmill at shapes today and came across a dessert called Coca-Cola cake. I had to look this up, I, a huge fan of Coca-Cola. So apparently there are tons of recipes for Coca-cola check them out. http://www.thecoca-colacompany.com/heritage/recipes.html I want to try some. yum!

I'm kind of shocked at how Hot some of the older women celebrities are. I watched a movie called Spring Breakdown, and Amy Poehler and Parker Posey are Hot and slim! I wanna look like that in my late thirties early forties. Faith Hill has a gorgeous body! Drew Barrymore is looking hotter than ever! Sadly they all look hotter than I and I'm ten years or more younger than they. Oh well. I like myself so who cares.

There was this hot guy on the bus that wouldn't stop looking at me from the moment I got on. It kinda makes you think Do I got ketchup and mustard all over my face? LOL I'm really enjoying all the summer eye candy. I think hot guys are pansies though. Do they hide all winter? Afraid of the cold? I suppose they are all bundled up and I can't see their full hotness. LOL

I'm surrounded by hotties everyday at work. I'm so terrible, I'm hypocritical. I was complaining how dudes whistle at me and how disrespectful it is, and then at the beach I make tons of comments to my friends about how hot these guys were. I'm sure guys are less likely to take it negatively if someone chick were to whistle at them, but i still feel bad. I will try to control my hormones.

Oh so I was thinking about this today. If a guy were to stop me and inform me that I dropped this paper only to have me find the paper is not mine and has his digits on it I would melt. Is that no super cute?! Yes, boys feel free to steal that for any of your future endeavours.

Bed time now sweet dreams!

Day at the zoo, work, new hobbies, and career choice maybe.

2009-07-03T18:33:00.000-07:00

Is glad to have good managers! I was having a bad day, and Doug encouraged me to let it out. I love my managers. They actually care about their employees. I'm greatful they encourage me to talk. They are level headed and smart! Glad I talked to Doug.

I really don't want to lose any managers. They are all simply the best. I'm glad Neil is staying but it will suck when the others leave. Lets hope the new managers will be just as great.

I need my days to go better at work hopefully this chat I had will help. If I keep getting frustrated and I don't find my job challenging enough I may have to quit. I really don't want to.

I took my sister and her two kids to the zoo today. I enjoyed myself. My niece is cute. Naomi has this tiny Hannah Montana Camera she enjoyed snapping photos. She used mine too. Messed up my pixels though. oh well. She didn't like the loud birds. Loved Nemo and Dora. Liked the Leopard. Nicholas, although he cannot talk was very intrigued by the animals. When we were about to leave Naomi asked if we could go see the bears again. Tanya said it was okay and we got to see the other bear walk around while his mate was napping. Taking shifts! On our ride home Naomi thanked me for taking them to the zoo and no one told her to. Usually I have to tell her to say thank you or please. I was so proud! As I was getting out of the car she said thank you for taking me to see the bears. I love her!

The development of the child's mind is so interesting to me. I am so intrigued by baby sign and baby can read. These are incredible advances in human nature. I love that we now know kids can learn at such a young age. I believe we should be teaching them right from the womb. Kids take in so much and are intrigued by everything. Ooh, maybe that should be my career choice. Something to think about!!!!

I enjoyed taking pictures at the zoo! I want to get a camera. Photography is such a great hobby.

Hummmmmm...... so much to learn about myself.

sigh

2009-07-01T09:26:00.000-07:00

I'm in a rut. I don't know what to do. I love work, and my church life. I just feel like my life is pointless. I go to work just to pass time. I told Camille the other day that I kind of just wanted to work til close after my 8 hr shift. I said it was because it was in between the laziness of just going home and sleeping and the energy waster the gym would be. Really it would be just to keep myself busy.

Sadly I go to church and feel nothing, numbness. I just sit through the service waiting for it to be over. I use to text to make time pass during the service but lately I have been trying to pay attention. I even just sing along to the worship songs, not getting into it. What is wrong with me? I made some posts about my beliefs. How can I say these things when my heart isn't in it?

I hope I can get over this slump before my birthday. I don't want to live everyday having bad days.

I like work because everyone is so funny and amazing, but because I don't know what is wrong with me I have bad days.

What is wrong with me? How come church is routine for me? Why can't I read my Bible everyday? Why don't I completely trust in God for the little things? Why don't I pray more often? Why do I continue to sin? I'm not worthy of God's love but he loves all his children. Why can't I fathom how much he loves me? Why do I push him away? I wish I could give over control to him.

I wish I could have this crazy epiphany, and suddenly know my beliefs were correct. I want to all of sudden not have any reason not to pray and read. I want to hunger to know the Lord more.

Sorry my blogs have been less entertaining lately. I'm just not in the mood lately.

If you have any answers for my post them on my facebook page or talk to me in person. I appreciate your knowledge.

2009-06-27T08:39:00.000-07:00

Work hurt! Jason kept laughing at me cuz on my break I took off my sock and rolled up my pant leg so my burn wouldn't hurt. Why is other peoples pain so entertaining. I have to admit my splotchy burn is pretty funny! I asked Neil if I had showed him my burn and he replied "You're burnt? That explains why you are walking funny." I cannot believe It's affecting my walk that's embarrassing.

Youth night was fun, the game I planned is not for summer it makes you too hot and sweaty. I enjoyed our discussion, I want that book. I can't believe people are still having to die for their faith in our times. I was astonished when I heard that one girl was shot at Columbine because, when asked if she believed in God she said yes. I'm not sure how I would react in that situation. I would hope that my humanly desires wouldn't get in the way of my love for God. The fear would be overwhelming, I may just deny him to feel safe again. The other story Andrea addressed from the book was about a man in the army who had different beliefs than everyone else there. They tried to break him. They made him stand out in the winter day and night in summer clothing, for many days. Every time they passed him they asked if he was going to change his beliefs yet. Each time he said no. He didn't find it cold at all, the Lord was with him. They ended up killing him we only know these from letters he wrote to his father. I am amazed by people with faith like that. Trusting in God to keep you safe. I really need to trust in him instead of being so independent. I love to control everything. That way if something goes wrong I only have myself to blame.

I guess that's why I still live at home I have to take care of everyone. I can't do it myself though. I don't need to take care of anyone. I have spent my childhood worrying about how to protect myself and my sisters. Although I failed miserably, it was stress I should never had to take on. I want to live for myself now. Have fun, be a 22 year old almost 23, not a provider for my family.

Lord give me strength in everyday things. Help me to remember that you are with me and that you are my prize after death. Protect my family and friends and I, that we may never face intense situations like these in the book. I am grateful for your love and grace. Thank you Heavenly Father. Amen.

I bought Tommy Boy, such a funny movie! and Hot Chick love that one! and How I Met Your Mother season 3 . I will bring it to work for you girls Monday. They were so upset when Dale took his copy home.

July Big Brother is coming back I cannot wait. It's the only reality show I enjoy! Veto, food comps, HOH, luxury comps, twists! SWEEEEEET!

better get ready for work later!

Ouch!

2009-06-25T19:58:00.000-07:00

It hurts so much! I got the worst burn today, the funny thing is I was so worried about getting burnt and put tons of sunscreen on. Its splotchy. I look like I was making out in the bushes. (Jimmy if you tell anyone what we did with that plant I will kill you...hey what kinda plant was that.. I'm so itchy! lol) Anyways I was so careful to put sun block on my tattoo with a qtip before leaving the house and didn't get burnt there, there is a nice ring around it. I didn't know 15spf worked so well. I sprayed my body and thought I rubbed it to every necessary place. Jen then did my back, I told her she was putting too much on me. My back is not burnt at all. I have some places on my knee foot and stomach that are burnt. It's the worst burn ever. I know you will agree steph mine is worse!

So, I went and saw Hangover. I apologize. I was saying how I wanted to hear it was a good movie from someone who had saw it rather than a friend of a friend. It was -to quote a Simpsons character " the best movie ever!" lol Totally hilarious! I would definitely go see it again and pay full price ANYONE WANNA GO SEE IT WITH ME?

Technology has made me look like an idiot

2009-06-23T22:17:00.000-07:00

I had a crazy day today. Decided I have to move out get my independence before It's too late. Maybe sometime round September.

Today Andrea took me out to get my mind off things! Love her! anyways. She pointed that some guy was checking me out. I knew that, but I tend to ignore guys when they do that. I don't know why. I suppose if I ever want a relationship I gotta stop doing that. I suppose I don't know how to react in that situation so I avoid it totally. Helps keep me a virgin longer! LOL. j/k I plan on staying a virgin til marriage. We watched "17 Again" tonight when Zach's character was talking about abstinence until marriage I was giving him thumbs up. I just totally made a lot of guys less interested in me. Who really gives a shit! I'm deeper than that, I want more than sex. If you can't wait til marriage why should I waste my time on you. Patience gets you everything.

Technology has made me look like an idiot tonight. At moxie's I stood in front of the bathroom door for 2minutes searching for a sensor I would swipe my hand in front of to make it open. I then realized it was a regular door. I then went to wash my hands but what I though was a automatic soap dispenser wouldn't work. I then found a plain old jane soap container and lathered up my hands under a faucet thinking this sensor was broken. I then touched the nob that I had originally thought was a soap dispenser and water began to flow. I also found myself dancing in the stall at the movie theater thinking the toilet would soon flush. Apparently not until you pushed the button. I have been cohered into thinking everything should be high tech. and top notch. I'm so silly!

Jason told me the sickest thing the other day. Supposedly Scientologist believe in eating the placenta after you have a baby. Imagine sitting down with your wife after she just pushed a baby out of her and munching down on the placenta and umbilical cord. I don't mean to bash other beliefs but if someone told me I had to do this I would switch beliefs in a flash. That's so nasty thinking of it makes me gag!

Now I better go to bed and dream of sweet placenta. Good night!

Oh, what a weekend!

2009-06-21T20:34:00.000-07:00

Friday night we went to a fun Kristjana Concert.

I then went and did some Trivial Pursuit questions at Meghan's. Those people are too smart for me. I didn't get a single question. I'm gonna study up! Raise my IQ! Look out, here I come!

We did one 20 questions round. It was a toughie we used up way more than 20 questions and still didn't get it! Jason said he was really good at these so I gave him a shot at it. He got it in less than 20 questions. Now I've gotta think of a harder one.

Saturday I went to the car show with Andrea because lovely Dinuldy was nice enough to work for me on her time off. Thanks Again!

I got a minor burn. That 15 SPF is sweet! If I would have reapplied it I would have only tanned! I'm happy with the results seeing as I was in the sun for 5 hours.

They had a sound competition. The one car I saw had a bunch of crazy stuff going on in it's trunk. No need for a massage lazyboy, just turn up the tunes! lol

I enjoyed viewing all the pretty cars, too bad I don't have a camera. My favorite was the yellow Thunderbird followed by the yellow camaro. I see a theme. Next, was the green car but

I can't remember the name. Then the H3 was it? the orange Hummer anyhow. Then the old style one cant remember what it's called.

I ate so much! I love me them yummy hot dogs!

I got to see Tamara, love her!

My uncle one of the sound men, Is silly. He dedicated "My Girl" to my aunt. It's cute and wonderful that they still love each other after 27 years but I couldn't help but text him "Cheesy!" from across the parking lot! Love you two!

Sadly my aunt and uncle wanted to leave at 2. I was enjoying the eye candy and wanted to stay.

I can't wait for my birthday weekend! Hot Dogs, Chicken and Sunshine! ooh, That reminds me I still have to call and ask if it's okay with my grandparents if I use their yard again. I'm sure they will say yes because they absolutely adore me and Sarah. Fun, Fun!

Today at church there was this ultra yummy guy who was forced to come to church. Why can't hot guys be willing to go to church? I didn't see a ring....next Father's Day I guess. lol He drove a motorcycle I want to ride one! He reminded me of Pink's ex husband.

I got to work early and immediately began helping customers on cash. I arrived just in time to give Rhys and Katherine my discount. Jason was nice enough to let me finish my sub after one, and I went to work. Yesterday when Doug asked me to come in, he didn't say I would be in clothing. It wasn't too bad this time. Perhaps I feel more comfortable. I am always overwhelmed by the mess I find when no one is in clothing. I felt like I was cleaning all day! I rehung those Burton and DC shorts 4 times! Arg! Luckily for me Jodi and Kelsey could see the mess stressed me out and helped me hang, fold and put away. You guys rock! I always complain about rude customers who leave things in piles, Kelsey pointed out that they do so because we hang things in difficult ways. Silly us for making things look nice.

I have the worst luck! I got off at six and made Jason rush to check my bag. I then sat at the bus stop for five minutes only to realize I had lent my mom my bus pass, which she forgot to return. I then, began frantically searching for change and found none. As the bus approaches, I cringe as I pull out the bag of All Dressed chips I bought before leaving work. I should have suggested tradesies with the driver! lol I then have to walk back to work to use the phone because I forgot my cell phone on my bed this morning. While there, I realize I only know the number of two people who can come get me and the rest are in my cell phones phone book. Stupid technology for ruining my memory. I use to be able to memorize so many digits! No luck at those numbers so I decide to walk home. Jason suggests I ask for a ride or he would drive me. Thank Heavens for Kelsey, not that exercise would kill me. LOL She once again gave me a ride home. I approached my house and freak out as I search for my house key....I did have it this time.

Something silly and ironic. You think Scarlett Johansson is so hot and I think Ryan Reynolds is so hot. The ironic part is they are married. Can't they share the pretty!? lol

night all!

I'm such a slut!

2009-06-18T22:36:00.000-07:00

I enjoyed today.

So, I called Jodi at work yesterday to see if she could take my shift on Saturday and she asked me if I took Claude home. I didn't. We both had a freak out! He's our little mascot! I thought maybe he got thrown away. Luckily Doug just put him safely in Jacey's office.

Why do guys get possession of all the cool things? I was discussing this with Kelsey. Just because they are associated with it it becomes theirs? I think not! So, I told Lisa I was going to the Car Show at Springs to spend the day with my aunt and uncle. Lisa was like "Oh , Like Dale's car show." Just because he wants to show off his car doesn't make it his! I have more claim to it seeing as my family goes to the church and my cousin is dating the pastors daughter. Does that make it mine? Come to Amber's car show! LOL. No hard feelings Dale, I'm just bitter that men get all the cool shit like cars, Nintendo, guns, belching, peeing standing up. LOL

I had an Ice Capp Supreme Chocolate Brownie. It was oh so delicious! Totally worth spending 5 minutes searching for Doug to see if he wanted anything from Tim Horton's, only to find out from Jason he was already at Tims.

Ooh, I finally watched the end of Blood Diamond. I really enjoyed it. I told Doug that if I didn't finish it today I might cry so he nicely started it from the last part I saw. Jason, sweet Jason, ruined it for me telling me who dies. Then he keeps going on about it after Doug points out how I haven't seen it before. Jason came over to me and asked if I really hadn't seen it before. Do I joke around that often that people don't believe me? Perhaps it was that Jason didn't believe Doug. lol I love my managers.

I had the best workout today. I was sweating like a horse! Sexy Sweaty though! When I sweat it's always Sexy. Even when sweat from a flu and I've got snot hanging from my nose, leaky eyes. NASTY! lol

I have one more complaint about dudes.

Why can't they keep their horniness and rudeness to themselves? Why whistle at a random stranger? I was walking to work and some jerk whistled at me. When I didn't look back at him he whistled louder then howled at me. If I wanted you to whistle at me I would have been scantily clad. Can you guess what I was wearing? Can you believe the only skin that was showing was my hands, neck, face and feet? I'm such a slut! lol Apparently dressing modestly doesn't even keep the horny pervs at bay. I understand sexual desires and thoughts, and I don't mind tasteful sex jokes, but seriously if you gotta be vulgar you might as well just keep your thoughts to yourself. I won't even acknowledge a dude who whistles at me, they aren't worth my time. Disrespecting pricks!

So, the hottest guy came into work today. We need to clone him! I don't even care if they haven't gotten the kinks out of cloning yet. They must clone this dude. I'll even take him if he had one eye! lol

See that's how you tell someone they are attractive. A nice compliment, or could that be used as a really bad pick up line? lol I'd say pick up line. Something like...... can I get my cloning machine because you have enough hotness for two. lol!

If you find some girl to be alluring, tell her she is very attractive and just walk away. You would totally brighten up our day and most definitely peak our interest in this mysterious, polite man. LOL me giving dudes advice. I have no experience in the dude department. I do know what I like though.

I like Italian! yum, getting hungry! lol

That be my cue to finish my blog. lol

night all!

Why so Mad?

2009-06-17T22:18:00.000-07:00

Seriously what did I do?

I had a few people yell at me today.

One being a frustrated customer who I was lucky enough to not have to deal with. Otherwise I would have been so frustrated. Jodi politely explained to a woman twice why she could only get 50% of the $79.99 pair of shoes and not off the $59.99 price she originally paid. Do people really not understand that sales end, prices change and ads can't overlap? Why has everyone become so cheap? You come to adjust your bill for the bogo 50 and you still want more money off! Gees!

My sister yelled at me twice. What did I do? I told her I was going to the gym and she told me not to for some crazy reason. Then, she told me to run to the bus. Attitude issues.

and Twyla. I don't get it! I can't believe she missed my apologies. I specifically remember texting sorry. I said something like I don't know what else I can do other than say I'm sorry. I can't believe she would think I would not apologize. I said I felt terrible for making her so upset. She also yelled (in a text by the way) that she is mad that I would avoid her until the bitterness rolled over. I meant on my part. I really don't agree with her frustration on this matter. I was being wise and not saying anything so that I wouldn't make nasty hurtful comments. Twyla hun, if you are reading this and have missed all my apologies. I am so very sorry! I don't want to hurt your feelings in anyway but I tend to hurt the people I care about unintentionally. You are an amazing friend and I don't want to lose you. If you for some reason still hate me, then fine. Thanks for the many great years. You are a wonderful person, may you and Ryan live happily ever after. God Bless.

Then me, I'm frustrated with all this. I hate being angry!

Yesterday I had a conversation with my dad he began talking about how what provoked him to harm his children. How he wanted to ruin my mom's life, how he wanted to die in jail. Firstly dieing in prison would have been too easy.

Well, he succeeded, my mom's life as she knew it, ruined. He tore her to pieces along with three innocent children. She is not confident in anything she does, even though she is amazing at everything she does. She blames herself for everything. She has no blame and is completely forgiven of any sin she has committed.

Anger is an ugly thing that can consume a person. I can't believe the things it drives people to do. That's why I wait for my bitter feelings to pass.

I use to think I was a tough cookie. If something happy doesn't happen soon in my life and someone I love is hurt again, I might crash and burn. Lord Help Me!

You tell me to smile.... I hate it. It's hard to smile when you have suffered from so much pain. Tell me a joke... I will laugh. It takes my mind off of life.

Welcome to my torture chamber.

Interesting thoughts and things of the day.

2009-06-16T21:28:00.000-07:00

Today was oh so long! I had some nice customers today no angry bitter ones. Yay! One lady asked for my advice on crocs sandals and bought six different styles. I didn't know I could sell something I found to be so ugly!

Yes, I know I just broke down and bought a pair, but it was because of my laziness. I wanted a shoe I could wear at work that was just a slip on. I was looking for ultimate comfort and everyone told me I would find it in crocs. Sadly they are no good! My heels were killing me after an 8 hour shift! So, I wasted money because I will not wear them in public. Which is kind of funny because my slip on wool shoes are probably considered, by some people to be equally as ugly as crocs. I love them though. They scream "I'm comfortable!" (not too sure how they would feel after 8 hours of being on my feet) People always think they are slippers. They are shoes, the soles have rubbed off after many years of being worn. Gotta find me some new ones!

I was telling Camille how a test I did on facebook said I was 77% lazy. I said I thought it was accurate. Now that I think of it, it's not that I'm lazy it's just that I love sleep so much.

I missed the gym again today. Neil told me he heard it takes 3 years for something to become routine. I'm not sure if I can force myself to go for that long, too bad a routine couldn't happen more quickly. I do like the gym when I go about 4 times a week I feel so energized. If I don't I ache for days!

The weather is so pleasant. I love Summer! What is the point of other seasons? I could run around all day in my bikini. oh, that reminds me I'm the coolest person in he world. I changed three times today in the pop room and didn't get caught! lol lucky me!

I have been so bored lately! I need someone to spend time with. Even if we did absolutely nothing together. It's better than doing absolutely nothing alone. I really screwed up every chance I had with guys who liked me. I'm really good at making them go away. I would totally date any of them now if they were interested. Now I sound desperate! lol I meant because they are all good and amazing guys. Too bad I had a need to push good things away and couldn't just enjoy the moment. I'm ready now though, to be real with someone. I'm no longer trying to impress anyone but God. I want to give the best of me in everything I do. I want to truly open myself to life.

well sleep is calling me yay! I'm coming! lol

My First visit to the Zoo!

2009-06-14T19:11:00.000-07:00

I enjoyed seeing the Lords artwork in the flesh.

The birds were stinky! Some were really pretty. I love monkey's they are the coolest of all animals especially the tiny ones. Super Cute! Owls were adorable too.

The zoo is definatley something I would do with my niece.

One thing I wondered when came across the camel was if they stayed outside during the winter. So here is my research. The Bactrian camel grows a thick coat of hair each winter. That coat of hair falls off every spring. This is to deal with the extreme variation of temperature in the Gobi desert where summer highs often top 100 degrees Fahrenheit, and winter months can see significant amounts of snow. I got this information here: http://www.thehatchreport.com/information/camel-one-two-hump.html There is 2 types of camels the other do no have long coats.

my other camel question is about it's hump. I know it its full of fat but why is it fallen over? i guess this sort of answers it. So, what is the role of the camel's hump? Unfortunately the answer is relatively dull - it appears that the humps are merely food reserves, and the fat and flesh contained within are absorbed as nutrition when food is scarce. I found this here: http://www.djur.cob.lu.se/Djurartiklar/Kamel.html Apparently the camels there are well fed! lol

Next flamingos, Why are some white and why do they stand on one leg. This is stuff I should have researched as a kid! Maybe I would have been smarter! LOL Flamingos often stand on one leg. The reason for this behavior is not fully known. A leg is tucked beneath the body, because the flamingo like some other animals has the ability to have half of its body go into a state of sleep, and when one side is rested, the flamingo will swap leg and then let the other half sleep,^[4] but this has not been proven. It is often suggested that this is done in part to keep the legs from getting wet, in addition to conserving energy. As well as standing in the water, flamingos may stamp their webbed feet in the mud to stir up food from the bottom.

Young flamingos hatch with grey plumage, but adults range from light pink to bright red due to aqueous bacteria and beta carotene obtained from their food supply. A well-fed, healthy flamingo is more vibrantly coloured and thus a more desirable mate. A white or pale flamingo, however, is usually unhealthy or malnourished. Captive flamingos are a notable exception; many turn a pale pink as they are not fed carotene at levels comparable to the wild. This is changing as more zoos begin to add prawns and other supplements to the diets of their flamingos

Found here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Flamingo#Appearance

I Love all of the big Cats Lions, Tigers, Cheetahs and Jaguars they are so pretty! I only saw a cheetah and a tiger by the way!

It was a nice way to spend the day. Thanks Andrea for the Idea and all that you do and all that you did for me and my family today. I love you! You deserve to be Blessed with Eternal Happiness! Thank the Lord for you!

The cool kid?

2009-06-12T21:51:00.000-07:00

Tonight we were laughing at some guy who was randomly dancing to the music at the Ex while walking.

Really I say, "You do your thing." If you are having fun who cares what you look like. DORK! lol

I like to grove to the music every now and then. Tonight I was jiving in my chair. Not a single human can resist the urge to move along to the sound of "Celebration" by Kool and the gang.

I'm annoyed of feeling I have to do things this way or act like this to be normal. I want to be easy to spot like Chris was tonight in his "Kobe Bryant" Lakers jersey. Carnies were trying to get him to come play some games.

Oh, after we laughed about that guy Alex, lovely Alex, who doesn't care what anyone thinks of him walks up and gets his grove on. It's really hard trying to pretend you don't know him when you can't help cracking up. He is a different case though, he likes to be the center of attention. Ryan's girlfriend just met him and said he should be in musicals. Good thing he thought of that ages ago.

I'm going to try and be more comfortable with myself. I'm in it for a good time. Dorkiness is cool!

If you like something wear it!

ooh, yay me! I looked like an odd ball tonight! I had on my celery green crocs to go with my red coke belt and my yellow umbrella. I love my new umbrella, dang How I Met Your Mother and that yellow umbrella. LOL

So, Lesson, Be the cool kid! The one that you know is having fun! Get comfortable we will love you more.

The mind is incredible

2009-06-11T21:07:00.000-07:00

The mind is an incredible thing. I have always been in awe of how the brain works. I find it amazing that your mind is always thinking. Well mine is anyhow. I've heard that men can literally sit and not think of a single thing. That would come in handy sometimes. LOL. I always find my mind wandering somewhere.

I like how we can concentrate on one thing but be conscious of another. I can read a book while singing along to the radio. God was a smart cookie to make us capable of that.

It's too bad that I can't ever concentrate on the important things in life, like reading the Bible and worshiping. I find it easy to concentrate on a good movie. We were watching The Heart Break Kid on lunch yesterday and I was so engulfed in the movie that when and a tomato fell out of my sub it made me jump about a half a mile. (or at least that is what it felt like to me, no one around me seemed to react so it probably was 2 centimeters.)

The other day Dale was saying how he couldn't sleep the night before how he was just thinking of things. Moments later while helping a customer I was thinking about this and how I think the mind works most efficiently just before bed. Back to helping the customer, because I was thinking of sleeping I told the lady to have a nice night it wasn't even lunch yet. LOL.

I do think the mind works its hardest just before bed, that's why you should read your Bible or study before bed so that you remember it.

SCRATCH THAT!

Well, I just researched it, and I no longer think the mind is working its ass off before bed. I now believe that on days when you want to sleep and can't its because you ate heavy foods, listened to loud music, watched a horror movie or something like that, before bed. These things keep your mind alert and intrigued.

Don't over think things! The mind will make you get carried away.

Getting over things 101

This morning I was saying how I was upset about my over reacting friend, so I'll tell you how I got over it.

First: I poured my thoughts out to everyone so I could hear their point of view. By the way, they all agree with me that she was being silly. Venting helped!

Second: Don't be alone, you tend to dwell on things then. I was working in golf today and I was getting so bummed. I constantly find myself dwelling on the fact that I'm still single. When this does happen I have decided to tell myself this: "You are a catch the guys that you have showed interest in are just blind." So, change your thought pattern. People also help lighten the mood. It was easy to joke around with people today.

Thirdly: Remember that everyone is human and they make mistakes, not everyone can bite their tongue.

Now my mind is saying it's bed time.

Good Night!

I wonder what my incredible mind will have me blog about next.

stay tuned. lol

I'm a terrible person.

2009-06-11T07:14:00.000-07:00

Apparently my best friend is mad at me. I don't even know how to react. I'm a people pleaser so I usually do what other people want. I've never hurt anyone like this before. It's breaking my heart!

How did I hurt this friend you ask? Well, I opted not to join her for her birthday. She throws a party every year. First was pirate themed followed by carnival and was the last one under the sea?

Anyhow they were always fun.

This year I decided I did not want to go, seeing as I can't afford to. I plan on buying a truck and bus fair would subtract from my fund. I also wanted to stick around for the car wash at my church that I have missed every year for her. I guess It's selfish wanting to go bowling with my co-workers. She actually said, "I can't believe you chose people you may only know for five years over me who you will know for the rest of your life."

Apparently she couldn't tell me these thoughts before her birthday when I told her I couldn't come. If she truly knew me she would know I prefer honesty, we could have discussed it. Had I known this was her big final bash and that she only planned it and spent so much money on it for me, I would have went. I only went the previous years to enjoy her company. The parties were okay but I enjoyed going swimming with her and camping, the stuff before and after the party. We had great conversations, and the quiet times, I enjoyed getting to see her everyday for a week. That's why I went. Sadly I missed the best out of all her parties.

I'm such a mean friend. I haven't even bought her a gift yet. She's hard to buy for.

So I don't know what to say to her, I love her to death. I don't like hurting her feelings. Why have I become so selfish? This will bug me until I figure out what to say to her. Hopefully she can forgive me.

If you have any thoughts please comment. Perhaps you can give me the words to say.

Inside my tiny head.

2009-06-09T21:22:00.000-07:00

Why does everything have to be a battle in life?

I can't decide anything.

I have all these things I like and dislike at the same time.

I like dogs they are cute and great companions, but I don't like their stench and that they slobber or bark. I want a dog but not the responsibility. What am I twelve? LOL I guess having been scared of Dogs for most of my childhood forced me to skip the responsibility test all children should receive.

I like kids, they are cute. I enjoy seeing a mind grow into an intelligent being. It's fun seeing the light bulb go on when Naomi learns something I just taught her. I dislike that kids are such handfuls. Personally I think all children deserve a firm hand when they get out of line. I turned out just fine. Kids these days are so spoiled and don't respect their parents. What I hate most about kids is the thought of me bring one into the world and not being able to protect them from the things of this world.

I like to eat (as I mentioned a few times already! LOL) Food is so satisfying. The weight you gain, not so pleasant.

I'm a terrible person thinking of myself and these tiny matters, when people are facing mountainous ones.

Addictions, Hunger, War, Death.

I have never really faced any of these first hand.

People around me have had addictions and their lives were ruined by these habits. These addictions have harmed me, but now I am much stronger because of them.

There were a few times growing up when there wasn't much food around the house but we still ate. I'm sure the addictions expense helped subtract from you grocery budget.

I know some people in the military. They have been blessed to still be alive.

Death, how can I have lived 22 years and have not had someone I love die? Now that my family may be reading this, they think, "What about Grandpa?" The truth is I didn't shed a tear for him. I saw my dad cry and it broke my heart to see him in anguish so I cried for him. I guess I never really loved my grandpa something kept me at bay, unable to connect to him. I now know that it was because he was a bad man. The only other funeral I remember crying for was my uncle Virgil's. I never knew him well. I once again cried because I could see my cousins falling to pieces. I feel like saying that I never want to cry at someones funeral, but I do. I want to know that I opened myself to love enough and truly cared about someone.

My whole life I have been protecting myself in fear of being hurt. How else are you suppose to move on, when at a young age someone you trust with all you heart hurts you? I find myself pushing my mom away because I know she loves me so much. Why is this? I know she will never hurt me. Is it that I don't want to hurt her? Sometimes I fear the evil that haunted me as a kid will return. After all, everyone is human, addictions can haunt a person again. I will not be able to trust this person again. I need strength to forgive and to trust people again.

I have not faced some of the large battles in life that are out there but for me being a victim of child molestation is a battle I will be fighting for the rest of my life. I pray that any victims out there know that they are not alone, and that there is a way out. May the Lord provide them with the escape from their hell.

I know some of you are thinking, "I can't believe she put this online for millions to read!" That is exactly why I posted it online. Hopefully it helps someone going through the same struggles or helps a child get out of their situation.

Why?!

2009-06-08T16:32:00.000-07:00

I keep having discussions with my cousin and others about Christianity. They say things like "The Bible is just a story". They ask me if I believe in evolution, or how do I know what I believe is the truth. I am going to talk it out for my benefit because when asked these questions I draw a blank. I want to be sure and confident about my beliefs.

Why do I believe.

Is it just that I was told this in church and since my family said it was true I believed them?

I hope not! I don't think I could believe in anything else. Christianity just makes the most sense. Do you really think we evolved from apes? Sure some days I look dirty and ape like but seriously! It's a beautiful thing being one of God's children created uniquely for his purpose. It would be insane to say that I am just a smart version of the monkey.

Perhaps I believe because it makes me feel good knowing I will not just die, that there is an afterlife. I do like KNOWING this! I must believe. I couldn't type the word thinking, because in my heart I know. Did you know that everyone who uses the calendar is admitting that the Bible is factual!? Every day is because of Jesus. How do they say it? A.D. and B.C. that stands for after death and before Christ.

In the Bible where Jesus' tomb is found empty a woman tells everyone the news. If it were a story and they were trying to make it believable to their key audience they would have wrote a man found the tomb empty. In that time women were not respected so what they would say would be unreliable. Because the books of the bible were written by people who experienced these incidences they wrote them as factual.

To me Christianity is real. There are so many miracles that prove his love and existence. I go to church and when I am surround in his Jesus' presence there is no denying the Lord is real. He is there to help you with everything in life and will always be there when you need him even if you don't want him around he is waiting for you to accept his love. With a love like that how can I say "No, I don't accept your love." I love the joy that washes over me when I hear of something amazing God does. Like people having huge tumors that look mountainous and after prayer and a return to the doctor the tumor is completely gone! How can that be? Only someone truly great can make that possible! OR when a couple is told their child is going to be born with many complications and possibly die soon after birth and because they knew God was bigger than any problem, they had the child, who is now 14 and has been healthy since the moment of birth.

The Lord's love is amazing how can I deny the truth?

I'm glad I reassured myself!

I love Sport Chek! 347 anyways!

2009-06-07T21:22:00.000-07:00

We seriously have the coolest employees!

Tonight we went bowling. I think Dale wiped the floor clean with everyone. I use to think that bowling was all luck, but with a score of 180 there must be skills involved. Lisa showed her stuff winning the first round. We enjoyed the silly ways to bowl, but I personally love regular bowling so much more. I want to go bowling more often to improve my skills. There is only one move I can always plan and that's when the right handed pin is the only one standing. I always get it, even when I held Camille's hand. LOL those were silly! I found the push the ball with your foot one to be easy, backwards between the leg was alright but hopping was hard even harder was laying on the stomach.

I'm glad we do Fun Squad events. No other job could be more fun! I can't wait for baseball! I should join Jodi at the batting cage, bring my batting abilities from a 1 to at least a 3.

That reminds me! I want to take up rock climbing, and go to car shows, and take dance lessons. Make my life a bit more interesting!

I hope I work with all these people for sometime to come. They are all barrels of fun! I missed the people who couldn't come too. Too bad!

I love BP's great atmosphere but everyone was so far away form each other. My side of the table was so tired. They all looked to be having so much fun over there. I was ready to crash upon arrival, luckily Chrissy gave me a ride home pretty early. Hope everyone had just as much fun if not more than I did.

Sport Chek 347 Rocks!

Jodi Buller

2009-06-06T17:29:00.000-07:00

I usually write bitter comments here but I just have to rave about Jodi!

She is so great. Jodi is a kind, loving, one of a kind girl.

The other day I was bummed at work because everyone was being so negative and in a bad mood. I was being sucked into the wormhole of bad moods. Jodi being the awesome person she is said, "I'm not in a bad mood, I will have in you a good mood by the end of the day!" She kept cracking jokes and was cheery. Sure enough five 'o clock rolls around and I cracked jokes with Jason as he left.

We need more Jodi's around. There is no point in going around sulking and complaining. Enjoy every moment in life and try to lift peoples spirits.

Thank you for the new out look on life. I love ya Jodi!

There is good t.v. out there.

2009-06-04T20:31:00.000-07:00

In the last while I have introduced my co-workers to two of the greatest t.v. shows around. They literally have never seen them before. "How I Met Your Mother" and "Scrubs" If you have not heard of these 2 shows watch them now! Well, not until after you read this!

"How I Met Your Mother" is the story of how Ted Moseby meets his wife. Well we haven't met her yet. Personally I hope he tells this story for at least 10 seasons! We also get to explore the lives of Ted's closest friends. We see the highs and lows of Lily and Marshal's relationship. Robin always talks "aboot" Canada and her adventures growing up there. Then there is Barney, lovely Barney (played by Neil Patrick Harris) who is the ultimate Ladies Man. We get to see all his crazy ways to impress a chick and how he gets out of these situations.

Were you the lost person standing around the water cooler, clueless when people made references to "Friends"? Don't be that person again by missing this generations version of the show "How I Met Your Mother". It is laugh out loud funny. With Barney's "legendary" moments you are guaranteed a good half hour of comedy. The cast has such great chemistry you will fall in love with each character. Tune in ASAP. If you know me well I own the 1st and 2nd season, and will lend it out.

"Scrubs" Is the best hospital comedy ever! JD is the center of the show. We get to experience his Bromance with Turk "...It's Guy love between two guys..." lol. We get to see his Mentor Doctor Cox (the hard ass) push him to be his best while calling him girl names. JD tackles his relationship with Elliot. JD also gets tormented but the Janitor, It's all because of that penny! We also meet characters like Todd the high fiving banana hammock man. This is not the best review but once you see one episode you will be hooked! Seriously! I have the 1st season too!

I am sick of reality t.v. shows. I don't want to see someone frying a rat because it's the only thing the could find to eat on "Survivor". I don't care that an actor is learning how to dance. Seriously go back to the old way of creating stars. Stop forcing them into the lime light when they are so amateur. I don't need to hear bad versions of "She Bangs" or see people slaughter the tango on "So You Think You Can Dance".

Bring back the wholesome family shows like "Full House", "7th Heaven", "Family Matters", "The Cosby Show" Give us some more pee your self laughing shows like "Friends", "Frasier", "Cheers", "The Class" Let us experience some more Drama's like "Grey's Anatomy", "C.S.I.", "Superman", "Supernatural"

NO MORE REALITY!

A Very Healthy Appetite

2009-06-03T21:21:00.000-07:00

Tonight we were discussing how much I eat. I'm a girl who likes to eat. Now you all think my profile pic is fake and that I weigh 300 lbs. No, that's me. I just have a good metabolism. I love food, it's God's gift to us! I ordered way to much food tonight. I got an order of wings (10) and some poutine and 2 smoothies. Yummy! I wasn't able to finish it because I had eaten 2 short hours ago.

I don't see this as a problem. If some dude is turned off by how much I eat it's their loss! Better than starving myself or forcing myself to puke. My sister says I am an expensive date. Hopefully she keeps bringing that one day up because she has nothing else to bug me about. I cost her 50 dollars when she paid for me once. Hey we were at Tony Roma's its not really a cheap date kind of place. Besides, I ordered a meal for the next days lunch.

It shouldn't be a problem anyhow because I am extremely independent. If a guy doesn't want to pay for my meal because I actually eat then I will foot the bill.

Be ready for me boys, I'm a girl and I like to eat!

Thieves

2009-06-03T11:31:00.000-07:00

Is it me or have crooks gotten to be less smart? I always watch these shows where the criminals are masterminds, and almost get away with their offences.

Recently some Lady tried to steal from my work and walked out with $300 dollars worth of stuff. She wasn't skilled enough to get all the security tags off and spent at least an hour walking in our store. Luckily we were suspicious having offered to put the clothes up at cash. She said "No, that, her brothers were coming to try these on." We had a guy follow her around and when she strolled out of our store and the alarms went off. One of our sales guys asked her if she was going to pay for these items. She began to speed walk out our lobby and he picked up his pace standing right behind her. She than bolted. Meanwhile one of my managers who was about to check the price of the bat dropped the item and ran outside as well. It was like a cartoon watching them run around the parking lot. Finally she gave up realizing she was no Donovan Bailey and handed them the clothes. Then she stuck around our parking lot. I guess her get away car was suppose to come. Eventually she ran across the street to the mall.

If your going to choose thievery as a career then make sure you can get in and out without seeming suspicious. Get all the security tags off and don't be a slow runner.

At a gas station my sisters boyfriend works at two kids came in wearing ski masks and asked for money and smokes. They were told that he didn't have access to the cash but he would give them cigarettes. First of all everyone knows you need an employee who can at least access the cash register at all times working. How else do customers pay?! They said that was fine. Once they were asked which brands they would like they slowly named some off, pausing looking at each other. They walked off with 16 packs of smokes.

Can you seriously be that dense and unprepared. Know what you want. gees.

From all this talk it makes me sound like a criminal. I could never steal. That's one of the commandments in the Bible.

I'm sick of this world. Do people not have respect for anyone or anything anymore? Stop stealing from people. Do on to others as you want done on to you!

This sounds fun!

2009-06-02T21:59:00.000-07:00

So I stumbled upon this blogging idea and thought, this would be a great way to get my frustrations out. I know a paper and pen are more private but I thought that if someone stumbled across my page they could maybe learn from my mistakes or relate to my heartaches. I love writing so this will be fun.

So I recently cut my hair. Finally! My loving sister got around to it. It was such a hassle to get it done though. She had to stay a half hour after her shift for me to get there. I took a shorter break, gave someone my pin number so they could get me taxi money and still got there late. Now it's done and I can wait 2 months at least before I start to look dingy again.

I'm a Christian girl which until recently to me meant that I went to church three times a week, loved Jesus, didn't drink or do drugs. Well thanks to God that all changed, I now have this desire to know him. We had this youth retreat and the Lord's presence filled the room, everyone felt him. I was almost filled with the Holy Ghost but I got distracted. I'm easily distracted. There was this warm feeling that came over me but soon my arms got sore and I wanted to listen to people worshiping around me. The second day I tried to get to this point again but I got frustrated, and gave up. I still don't understand why it's such hard work. If it's a free gift why am I not receiving it? Am I not ready? A week later on Sunday our Pastor spoke again on the subject and we had an amazing altar call that could have gone on forever. (for Steph at least) Did I forget to mention that the night at the Youth Retreat our speaker spoke for 15 minutes and we stood there in Jesus' presence for 3 hours. We didn't even notice that time flew by so quickly. How amazing is that?! During this altar call I once again let my human side get in the way of me receiving the Holy Ghost. I could tell you every single person who came to pray with me. Can you say easily distracted! So I gave up in frustration. Then for once I didn't work Sunday night and could attend waves with my friends, and what would you guess he's speaking about. You guessed it. I once again got rapped up in me and have not received the Holy Ghost yet. What is wrong with me? I hate this! In due time I guess.

Guys I don't understand them. You like them they like you back yet they run to the hills. Why are the good guys taken or gay? I did say good, I don't even care if they are hot. I just want a respectful good guy. I have some creepers who wont leave me alone. Sure they are nice but they think I like them and I don't even flirt with them. oh I guess the guy I want can't only be a respectful guy he's gotta be equal to or smarter than I. I dislike having to fill someone in or correct them. I'm not too bright so I ain't asking for much. Ooh! A sense of humor need one of those. I like to joke around and listen to comedians and watch sitcoms. Is that too much to ask for?

I have many more topics to talk about, but I should save them for another time. I was right this is a fun way to get all my thoughts out. Can't wait until my next blog!